Does anyone have any experience or insight into using an anonymous donor sperm through IVF overseas?

[lblizard]

We have been TTC for over 7 years and IVF is our only option, we have had 6 failed attempts and are now facing the option of donor sperm.

I am struggling and doubting myself. I want to have a child but I have always wanted my DH’s child. But we are saying this isn’t possible I am feeling very sorry for myself. I just want it to be normal, its hard enough going down the IVF route in general. My hubby has said he has come to terms with using donor sperm, which is amazing and been a hurdle for him but I am not worried what the child may look like or be like trait wise it’s more long term for me. I am worried about my hubby, the child and family.

Hubby – I am scared he may act differently towards them without meaning to (he has 2 biological children already from previous marriage), he will be ashamed, want to keep it a huge secret (not sure I can)

As for our child, if we agree to tell them how they came about - as its anonymous donor (cycling in Greece) how would this make them feel? worry how being a result of donor in general will affect them, think they are not normal? Would they long to know more about their donor which isn’t possible? If we kept their ‘origins’ a secret but they out later in life what would happen? Could they use DNA testing to find father? Worry about what happens if hubby or they were ill?

With regards to our families. We don’t want anyone to feel differently about the child or the child to feel different about the non-bio family side as I have read they can, or about their brothers just cos their dad isn’t biologically the father.

Also the clinc can’t guarantee same donor if we wanted another…
I may just be overthinking it and panicking but if anyone has any experience in this area I would really appreciate some insight.

I have no experience regarding using anonymous sperm or having IVF abroad. However, my husband is infertile and we have decided to use a sperm donor. We picked one from an American sperm bank and tried to ensure he had similar ethnic background and features etc. I'm currently 20 weeks. We have similar worries to you, what if the child is angry with how they've been conceived, angry that they don't know their biological father. What if the child and DH don't bond. There are no answers to this, you can't see the future. We have done a lot of research into how donor conceived people feel and have found their main problem is being lied to about their parentage and not being able to trace their biological parents. You should think very carefully about withholding the truth and/or using an anonymous donor. But it's up to you of course. We plan to talk to our child about the donor from day 1, and they can trace the donor, I even have a photo. I recommend looking into the donor conception network, they do workshops for people thinking about using a donor. We found this massively helpful. Good luck x

Hi Laura7883 I really appreciate your reply, just knowing I am not crazy worrying about the future makes me feel a little better. In Greece it is totally anonymous - we would have no photo or anything to trace the bio father (who knows in the future though). I am speaking to the founder of the DCN too and my husband and I being very open and honest about our fears and I think he is starting to see that we can't keep it a secret. Congrats on your pregnancy ;-)