Dealing with secondary infertility and when to let others know

[RachelT15]

My husband and I have a gorgeous son, who we absolutely love to bits, and we have been trying for another for 2 years now.

We have seen a fertility specialist and have discovered that my husband has low sperm mobility and I have a cyst on my ovary (suspected endometriosis). As this would be our second child we would have to pay for any fertility treatment, and our doctor still seems to think that it's possible to have another naturally, so we have decided to try for 1 more year before considering paying for treatment.

I go through waves of feeling so grateful for the son I have and feeling guilty for even wanting another, to feeling so sad that we may never give him a sibling and I may never get to do it all again. I can't help feeling that our family isn't complete.

I am asked a lot by family members and friends when are we going to have another and I shrug it off. I don't really want to speak about it and think I'd get upset if I tried to. Has anyone in the same boat told family members and did you get the support you wanted/needed? I'm worried that everyone will think I'm so ungrateful for feeling the way I do and tell me I should just feel grateful for what I do have (which is probably what I should be doing).

Thanks for reading and sorry it's long!

Hi Rachel

I totally get where you are coming from, I also have been trying to conceive my second child for 2 years and feel very much like you about the sadness and the guilt.

However I have found it really helpful to talk to family and friends about it. Me and my DH are both pretty open and feel comfortable about that. I know fertility is intensely private and sensitive but it is also so all-consuming and so important; I feel the need to acknowledge it.

Everyone has been so supportive. There is nothing wrong with wanting a second child! There is no shame in struggling with fertility - it is a health issue that we often have little control of. The friends I’ve found who get it the most are those that have experienced the pain of loss and the intense yearning for a child - for me that has been friends who have had miscarriages, which as you’ll know are all too common. And I also have friends struggling with infertility too. So I think you’ll find that if you do open up you might find people have some empathy and understanding. I hope so anyway.

How old are you? We are now having IVF as I’m 38 with low AMH so don’t have the luxury of time.

Good luck 💐

Hi rachel - we have been struggling with secondary infertility for nearly 4 years. I would say most of our family and friends know about it. I think maybe a couple of years ago there was sympathy but it's been so long now that no one really understands or thinks that we have 'just got over it' as it has been so long. It hasn't by the way, every month is still as painful as the last.
I personally find it easier when people know. It saves me having to pretend I'm not bothered about having another. I think it may do you some good to share. There may be people who say just be grateful - but they have no idea - it is not that we're not grateful - but also you may get support and find it helpful when people know.

Hi, I've got primary infertility so can't fully relate. But when asked if we want kids we say yes, but unfortunately it's taking longer than we'd like. Seems to shut people up and make them realise it's a sensitive area! X

I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I’ve been with my partner for a long time and we have been ttc for 16 months now with no pregnancies. His SA came back fine and all my hormones are fine. I decided to tell people fairly soon after we started ttc because I knew I wouldn’t cope well with the constant “oh just the one? Not going to have another?” jibes! I often feel guilty for being upset and complaining about not being able to get pregnant because I am very lucky to be a mum already and I know so many women are still yet to achieve that. I also sometimes feel bad for so desperately wanting another baby instead of just being grateful for the child I have. But there’s no rules on this. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad that you are struggling to have another. Infertility is just horrible regardless of whether you have zero or 5 children. Wanting something so badly and knowing you aren’t able to get it is awful. Anyone who thinks you are being ungrateful aren’t the kind of people worth worrying about. If you are comfortable with people knowing, let them know. It does stop the questions and the awkward situations. Lots of luck!

Thank you all for your messages and sorry for the slow response back. It's taken me ages to work out how to find my old message! I think you're all right that it will stop the questions and awkward situations if people know so I think I might start telling them if it comes up. My mum has made quite a few unsubtle hints that she thinks I'm leaving it late to have another one, and that she's desperate to start knitting something in pink, so this might quieten her up!