Not sure what I'm posting for

[Feeluseless1]

I have name changed for this.

I am late 30s. My long term partner left me about 5 years ago and married the ow he was cheating with.

We had names picked out for our future dc and planned on marrying ourselves.

I have no idea if I can get pregnant as I've never tried. But I do have pcos and other issues.

I keep buying things like this though. I have a few items and a couple of blankets.

I dont know why I do it as I'm single and have been pretty much since my last relationship.

I'd never tell anyone irl.

I'm not even sure what I'm posting for. Does anyone else do weird stuff like this? I dont know if it is a weird way of trying to keep hope alive.

That sounds so tough, and I'm so sorry.

For myself, I always thought I'd have a baby by the time I was thirty. Then I revised that upwards to thirty-five. Then it became 'there's still time'. And then when I was about thirty-seven I suddenly realised that even if Mr Right fell from the sky right that minute, I'd still presumably need some time before knowing I wanted to have a baby with him, and, well, tick tick tick. I also realised I wasn't super fussed about this theoretical Mr Right anyway. And I realised I could just get on with it without him, and started having fertility treatment.

That was a few years ago now, and my fertility has proven to be not great, so I have not, in fact, had a baby thus far. I may never have one. But I guess I'm just asking the question of whether going it alone would ever be something you'd want to do? I know some people wouldn't dream of it; for me, it just didn't occur to me, until it did.
The other, bigger thing I'd say is, maybe this is something you could find someone to talk to about, like a counsellor if you don't want to share it with your friends, in real life? You're carrying this great big complicated sadness around with you - about your relationship ending, about your past and present and future - and it's bothering you enough to post about in the middle of the night. How you're feeling is real and valid and you deserve for it to be recognised and worked through in whatever way will help you feel most at home in your life, and I'd encourage you to focus on self-care that will help with that, whatever that looks like for you.

One book you might one day decide to take a look at is 'The Next Happy' by Tracey Cleantis - it's basically a book about 'giving up on your dreams', but in a really positive way; with the focus on building happiness for yourself.

I hope that helps, a little bit. It's not just you. Look after yourself, and I wish you every good thing.

Sorry to hear of your sadness and longing OP. FWIW two of my friends had baby’s via sperm donation after finding themselves in a similar place to you. Both wanted children and just didn’t meet the right guy in time. They got to a point where they felt that it was now or never so both went the sperm donor IVF route, long story short, they are both now mums. Neither of them have any regrets, even though it didn’t happen quite as they’d always imagined. One of them is very open about how her child was conceived and the other has kept it private and only a handful of friends know. I guess what I’m saying is, whatever happens, you can have a child if you wish. And if that doesn’t feel right for you, that’s ok too. Perhaps book a fertility MOT test (any private clinic will do this for you) to find out what your egg reserve is like. It might help you feel empowered, like you are taking some control in the situation. Once you know this, it could help you plan your next move (if you choose for there to be). Persipan is absolutely right, perhaps find a decent counsellor or psychotherapist to talk it through with and help you think about things. I wish you much luck and happiness, whatever your next step is

So sorry op

Would u not consider going through a sperm donor?

Hi

Thanks for your kindness.

I was made redundant a while ago and now only doing contract roles.

I have no entitlement to matentity pay and my savings exceed the limits for claiming benefits.

If I had a child I would get no financial support at all other than child benefit.

I can't afford a child alone.