Hope this is appropriate - I wanted advice and knew I'd get insensitive rubbish from the rest of Mumsnet but some actually appropriate advice here.
DH and I are very, very close friends with another couple. I lived with the male partner in the couple in my early 20s, and have known him since school. He was going out with his now-wife now, and I was with DH, so all four of us have been friends for years - he was best man at our wedding, DH was best man at his.
We're now all 31, and we both started trying for a baby at the same time, around 18 months ago. We've both had bad journeys, in different ways - I get pregnant with reasonable ease but then have had trouble staying that way: three early miscarriages in the last year. Meanwhile they've been diagnosed with both male and female factors and been told that IVF is their only realistic option. It's been a bad time for all of us, but we've been talking about it quite openly (especially me and the husband - we work nearby and so sometimes have lunch and tend to talk about it then) and have all said that, while we wouldn't wish this on the other couple, it's nice to have someone else in a similar 'this isn't easy' boat - not many of our other friends have had children, and everyone who has has had no problems at all.
You can see where this is going... I'm pregnant again. 9 weeks, and have had two good scans confirming heartbeat and appropriate growth, so - while we're still absolutely terrified, and still very aware that things could go wrong - we're starting to feel a bit more confident in this one. Obviously we won't be telling people for quite a while, though - I was going to try and hold off until about 16 weeks, if we get there.
The problem is: do we tell them before that? We see them at least once a week, often more, and I've noticed the female friend, in particular, looking to see what I'm drinking (we do a pub quiz together), so I'm worried that they suspect anyway. More importantly, it means that I'm avoiding the topic of fertility with them - the husband mentioned in a text the other day that his wife is taking 'drugs from the fertility people' so I think they may have started the IVF process, and I think that may have been a hint that he wants to talk about it - but I know if we do he'll ask how things are with us. I really don't want to lie, and think he might find that hurtful.
DH says if they are doing IVF now then that's a reason to hold off telling them as that means by the time we tell everyone else they might have their own happy news - but I know the stats, particularly for a first round, and my fear is that we'll accidentally leave it until they've had really, really crappy news, and that we won't have been there for them through the process.
Sorry for this hugely long post! I'd just be grateful for any thoughts - I really, really don't want to hurt them. My plan is to tell them, whenever we do it, by text so that they don't have to do a face-to-face reaction, by the way.