DH wants children but not IVF?

[Viletta]

We started actively TTC about 1,5-2y ago. When this didn’t happen we ran tests and we have a severe MFI. Doctors say our only option is IVF/ICSI. DH finally gave us smoking but feels IVF is too much stress, pressure and he keeps saying he might be not ready for kids just yet.. at the same time he didn’t sent mind at all if they appear naturally. I guess he doesn’t want to bear full responsibility and want the nature to do its thing. We’re both 31 and I feel a lot of pressure related to age and this is why I don’t want to wait. Did anyone else get confused when IVF was on the table? I see so many people here who desperately really want kinds... I do.. but I am so confused sometimes. Any advise would be helpful.

You need to have a proper sit down chat with hubby. You've been trying for 2 years and yet he says he may not be ready for kids. Sounds like any sort of intervention is putting him off but in reality you may face never having children together without intervention.
We also have severe mfi but did manage to conceive naturally, which our doctors have told us was a complete miracle. We've since had icsi for number two and believe me, ivf is actually much less scary than it seems!
You can't go on indefinitely the way you are, the diagnosis has likely hit your hubby hard, but for your own sanity you need to know what options you are both willing to try. Your age for now is fine but with ivf it's best not to wait too long and another few years could make a real difference.
Wishing you good luck for your future. Xx

Don't go into IVF half-heartedly, either of you. It's a really tough process and will put your relationship under huuuuge pressure

It ready for kids? This would be a deal breaker for me. You’ve been trying for two years, it could take you several more to have a baby so best to start straight away? I think you need to have a long chat with him. He may find it all overwhelming...especially the mfi.
But time is not on your side and you don’t want him to rob you of the chance of children.
Sit down and agree a timescale for when you will start IVF. And make sure he sticks to it. Good luck

You need to both be on board for IVF really. We have severe male factor infertility and we decided to look into alternative treatments instead of ivf first which worked luckily. DH had to self inject HCG and took clomid, we conceived with IUI and clomid for me the first three times (also female factor) and naturally the fourth time.

We both felt very mixed as suddenly it's not a matter of natural chance, but you actively trying to do something through an intervention. Its a massive committment and one you feel you can't suddenly back out off once you start on the treadmill. Also after a long time trying, we'd come to a place of acceptance of a life without children and felt happy either way.

Then you have the added layer of guilt because as you said lots of people with infertility issues that you come across are desperate to have children and you feel like you can't admit how mixed up you are about it. Especially if you are fortunate to access NHS funded ivf. There been times during the IVF process that we both felt a bit apathetic. Or even ambivalent about getting a positive result (me more than him). I think it's a protective mechanism but regardless, people just do not talk about this stuff. You read about people doing crazy things to conceive, feeling devastated if they get a BFN or whatever and we didn't feel that way at all. Even when we had lost an early embryo at six weeks, we were philosophical about it and just pleased that another one was hanging in. That doesn't mean we're not totally made up to be having a baby now (worked a couple of cycles along) but I still don't feel super emotional about it. I'm just happy.

31 is still fairly early but it does get a lot harder the older you get. Maybe break it down in to steps so it's not this huge thing to commit to. Like if you haven't already, can you have anymore tests at your local service to rule out issues? Are you a candidate for clomid etc (we weren't). Could you just go and see an IVF clinic and have a consultation to see what would be involved and how you feel about it, etc. But with the idea that you can stop or pause at any point. Like pp said, IVF is a hard process. Physically (for you) and emotionally (for you both). If you're not totally together on it, it's a million times harder, nevermind if one of you actively is resisting it. Good luck x

I have fertility issues and we have been trying for a long time. The possibility of IVF was put on the table for us last year and we did start the process. I found it hugely stressful and after lots of long, heart searching conversations we said we would not go through with it. It isn't because we don't want children or because I'm ambivalent. We do really want a baby, but I don't want the huge amount of medical intervention. It just stresses me out. We are continuing trying without medical intervention, and we have said that it might not happen and if it doesn't then so be it. We'll deal with that bridge when we cross it.

He could also be struggling to come to terms with the difficulties you are facing and be a bit head in sand about it. Approach carefully, he is probably feeling huge responsibility for not being able to give you a child without help. It is a big thing.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for taking time and replying. It’s a huge support hearing opinions and stories of people in similar situation. We can’t get NHS support, but IVF clinic offered egg sharing which I’m very happy about. I feel like all the struggle with egg collection would help not only me but someone else too. However once we commit to this there is no backing up as other people are involved as well. DH keeps mentioning stories where coupled with MFI managed to conceive naturally. He thinks if nature gives us a baby we will have to turn our lives around, however taking a decision to have them now is too much pressure. It is definitely a big issue to deal with in a marriage. Thank you for your great comments, it does really help xxx

Haven’t had time to read whole thread (apologies) but just wanted to throw the idea out there of freezing a few eggs now for possible use later. My eggs were fine in my early thirties but now (38) are pretty shit, I barely ovulate, really wish I had some younger ones on ice! Big hug xxx

I wonder if it’s just a defence mechanism on your DH’s part. Maybe he’s just not coping with the news of his infertility. Have you considered counselling? Perhaps that could help him understand his feelings and he’d be more open to proceeding with the treatment needed.

I felt like your dh does - but was willing to accept not having dc at all if they didn't come naturally. IVF is a rollercoaster which I was not prepared to get on.

In the end they did come naturally - many years later, and after dh and I had made some major life changes (not related to TTC!).

Just bear in mind that you may regret not undergoing IVF while your eggs are young enough for the best chance of success.
Waiting only makes it less likely to happen. For me, I just cooks the key my DH rob me of the chance of having children.. I could cope with IVF not working more than I could having a DH who won’t even try it. Depending on how serious the MFI is, IVF at your age prob holds out much more chance of success than just hoping for a “natural” miracle

I just couldn’t... not cooks key! Sorry for autocorrect

Hi all,

Thanks for you ideas. I think indeed it struggles to cope with his infertility. I decided to let it sit in his head till the end Christmas rush and let him think it through with no pressure.

Is he worried about how much it is going to cost? It's common for men to worry about the cost more than women (in my years of experience on IVF chat rooms).

As a man that has been through 3 cycles of IVF due to MFI, I can say that it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

My sperm count is low along with low morphology, there have been days when I have looked in the mirror and told myself I'm useless and not a man because I can't give my wife something as simple as a baby.

The feeling of helplessness aswell, seeing my wife injecting herself, being in pain from the drugs and all because my sperm don't work. That was tough to accept, I felt it was all my fault. Something I've got over now but it still haunts me.

We were TTC for 3 years before going down the road of IVF, with 2 ICSI cycles and 1 IUI's, none successful and being told our egg and sperm may simply not work together on a DNA level, we have now accepted after a total of 7 years that our life may never be blessed with our own children.

We are instead now certified foster parents and are just waiting on a court decision for 3 under 3's to come and live with us. Very excited!!!!

@Justadh thank you for a male perspective. I’m glad it all worked fine r you in the end one way or another. The older I get the more I realize the influence of my family on my life, genetics do not matter much. I’m sure you are going to be great parents!

I think DH feels a bit overwhelming with costs, stress, guilt, complicity of the matter along with regular job stress.

Children are children and where they come from is irrelevant!!

We tried an IUI with donor sperm aswell but that was unsuccessful.

It's all really difficult to come to terms with for both of you, make sure you have a good support network around you, make sure he discusses it with his close friends and you guys are able to talk openly about it.

Always remember there are many many different options!! IVF, surrogacy, adoption, fostering there are loads of ways to have children in your life.

Good luck

Thank you:) all very valid and valuable advice!

You’ve had some good advice above and sounds like you’ve made a sensible decision to give him some space and raise again gently after Christmas. As others have said, he may be struggling with the guilt of feeling that YOU would have to go through a fairly invasive process due to his fertility issues, and that is only natural. It’s true that IVF is much, much harder than just having regular sex at the right time and I don’t in any way disbelieve those who say they found it extremely physically taxing. However, like with many things, it is often the worst stories that get the most airtime so I just wanted to reassure you both that it is not inevitable that it will be physically hard, especially as you are quite young and may not need high doses of drugs for the egg collection. We had 2 cycles and were very very lucky to conceive our DS on the second. I am quite laid back about medical examinations anyway (I am happy to have smears, give blood, get dental work etc) so that may have helped but I found that the examinations (internal scans with the “dildo-cam ) were fine and the injections easy as the needle is so tiny and thin I barely felt a thing. I did not get mood swings or other hormonal symptoms. The egg collection is OK because you are knocked out and was for me no worse than bad period pains for a day or so afterwards. The embryo transfer was painless. It is time consuming and fiddly and you have to be very organised to do your injections at the right time and go to the clinic at short notice for checks, and the tension of waiting to find out if the eggs have fertilised and how the embryos are doing is pretty all-consuming, but my own personal experience was that physically it was OK.
I’d also add that when you have been through the dispiriting process of TTC naturally for years and never knowing from one month to the next if your egg was even fertilised by a sperm, it’s actually quite a relief to know that that bit has been taken care of in the lab and it’s just a case of whether or not the fertilised egg will implant.

Good luck and have a nice Christmas.

Just wanted to chip in and say that you're doing the right thing giving DH time to process the information. When we were first told after about 12m of trying that we'd have to have IVF/ICSI to conceive it was a huge shock for me and I wasn't ready to go down that route straightaway.

Maybe you could both agree to keep TTC, look at supplements/lifestyle changes etc for a set period, ie 6m and then review the situation if you haven't conceived?

I knew that at some point in the future I would be ready, and about 18m later I was. I sort of understand where he is coming from, I didn't feel "desperate" enough to put myself through IVF at the start.

That said we fortunately conceived on our second cycle and I am now extremely glad that we went through the process and had that success.

I just wanted to second what Jessie has said. The IVF process isn’t that bad at all. I had complications and it got a bit dodgy for me for a few days and I felt rotten. And yes, there was stress over how many eggs we’d get, how many would fertilise, progress etc. However, the whole process lasts only a few weeks and feeling horrid for a few days + a few days’ stress isn’t that bad.

I also hope your DH can come to terms with the situation soon. My DH and I found out on the same day that both of us were infertile and we were in a state of melt down for probably a month. It’s a difficult news to deal with.

Thank you @JoJoSM2 @Winenight and @JessieMcJessie , it’s good to know that IVF might not be as scary. Feeling much more positive now. Have great Christmas and New Year!

We both felt very mixed as suddenly it's not a matter of natural chance, but you actively trying to do something through an intervention. Its a massive committment and one you feel you can't suddenly back out off once you start on the treadmill. Also after a long time trying, we'd come to a place of acceptance of a life without children and felt happy either way.

Exactly this.
For most people they think ‘oh, let’s stop using contraceptives’ and after a few months a baby comes along. With infertility and IVF you have much longer to think about it and the implications. You have to really question if you want to spend this much money and stress.

Oh, and I’ve had three rounds of ivf. It really wasn’t that bad at all.

I think DH feels a bit overwhelming with costs, stress, guilt, complicity of the matter along with regular job stress.

If you need to use donor sperm he might also be worried that the baby won't be 'his'/feel like 'his'. He also may not want to discuss that feeling with you.

It is not uncommon so might be worth discussing it with him.