Infertility sucks

[Viletta]

Hi,
Age 31, ttc almost 2 years, recently found its male factor, precisely azoospermia, no swimmers at all. My tests are all good so far. Right after DH 🍆💦NHS wrote me a letter that despite him being a U.K. Citizen and me working full time (I'm from a non-EU country), paying my taxes and NHS surcharges for foreigners, they will not fund our infertility treatment. All further tests to get to the bottom of the issue are self funded. Well guess what, I'm no longer resident in my home country and not eligible for government fertility treatment there either. This means that all the money we saved for the mortgage deposit will go into trying to find DH swimmers. On top of this he's trying to give up smoking and is so irritable and stressed all the time. And every time we are intimate (I can't call it ttc or BD any longer as nothing will come out of this activity for us) it reminds us about our failures to become parents or to get a house. His younger sister is pregnant, classic. Infertility sucks. I am trying to to accept the idea that nobody owns me anything, I don't have as many rights as other people due to my relocation. Trying to return my thoughts to positive things, I love DH, the place I live in and my job. It is a long lonely way and I need to stay strong. Infertility sucks.

Feel free to let go and complain here, I find it useful sometimes to let go of your worse case scenarios and be prepared for worse. I am happy to listen and acknowledge everyone's struggles as big or small they are instead of saying that all is going to be well just relax.

I was pretty bitter about not getting any help from the NHS despite us paying tons of taxes. Unfortunately, the funding is a complete joke: a post code lottery + every area has a list of sometimes ridiculous criteria, e.g. in some areas the woman needs to be under 35, in others over 35 etc.

Having said that, private clinic can be amazing whereas IVF on the NHS can be shocking due to low finding (too few scans, not enough tests, low success rates). So after the initial bitterness, at least we know that we've been getting better care by going private.

We had our NHS ivf cancelled the day BEFORE I was due to start stimming because it took Guys Hospital that long to realise I have POF (we'd been getting investigations there for eight months)

I was bitter, traumatised and depressed for months. I'm still not over it tbh. However as JoJo says there is a bright side. NHS treatment seems pretty woeful on the whole anyway. Going private will get you further forward a lot faster. Would you consider treatment abroad? Cheaper than UK.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and I can totally relate to the shitness of all your money having to go on treatment. I've just come into an inheritance which will now go on egg donor ivf rather than towards a house deposit. It sucks balls in hell and is very unfair. I just keep having to tell myself that we won't care if it actually gets us a baby!

@JoJoSM2 @isthismummy
These are really good points actually! I feel so sorry for the last minute cancellation @isthismummy and for the house deposit. I also feel like having a child at this point of life is more important. Money can be earned and it's not the most important thing in life. I hope it would turn great for you both and we'll get our piece of luck soon enough!
Thank you sharing this with me, it's great to feel you are not alone!

Viletta, that's the spirit ;) And you never know - some couples really struggle or never manage to have a baby even with a gazillion rounds of IVF. But others get lucky quickly - some even go on to have 2-3 children having had a single round of egg collection.

As you're so young, you could also consider an egg sharing programme. Half your eggs would go to a couple who need donor eggs and you'd keep the other half for your own treatment. If you do that, you'll pay nothing or a very discounted price for your own IVF. However, it obviously means that you could have some biological children that you don't know out there so it's a lot to think about.

@JoJoSM2 I actually like the idea of egg donation. Knowing you help other people and also actually knowing that the child will be in good hands as when parent(s) go through ivf they really want their children.

viletta that is really unfair of the NHS. I’m also from a non-EU country and DH is an UK citizen but we got funding for IVF. Only one cycle in our area and it didn’t work, but I don’t see why they can deny you based on you immigrating. That is awful.

@bluebird3
I am sorry to hear first ivf didn't work for you. This new rule started on 21 August 2017. I'm gutted as we started our journey in June and then had a holiday and though we'd continue after and got our referral in September as a result. If we knew we'd pass all the tests right there in June and got funding. The clinic we were referred to initially has low success rates and bad reviews. I hope now going private would be worth the money.

OP, its definitely not fair.

A woman I knew going through IVF the same tine as me, her husband has azoospermia too. They got finding and their consultant said, with no swimmers to work with, it would be donor sperm.

You could always find your own sperm donor and do the syringe/turkey baster method as people say.
Or go privately. You've had all initial tests done. Thing is if u go privately, you will need IVF as with donor sperm there's only one sample to work with and you need the best chance.
Id personally try to find a donor myself or give it a go.

Well, sometimes surgical sperm retrieval works and they find a few swimmers so worth exploring before moving onto a donor.