What point do you stop trying & start living

[bridgetjones1]

Basically what it says, at what point to you take the breaks off your life that you put on when starting you infertility journey? When the plan hasn’t worked and you’ve run out of energy? When do you decide you to release the breaks and start living the life you have rather than the life you’re dreaming of?

Ideally, you wouldn't put your life on hold in the first place to avoid living and breathing IVF and feeling miserable. What things are you considering doing?

I think its a fine balance.

We spent so many years ttc and sometimes we'd go for months and months with strict eating, scheduled / unenjoyable sex, living and breathing having a baby. I decided that it wasn't worth the misery and would relax with all the 'rules' we put in place. We stopped saying 'best not book a holiday next year as we might be pregnant'. I stopped thinking 'best not change job as a new job would impact maternity leave' etc etc.

So I changed job, actually I totally retrained in something totally new and it was actually refreshing to focus on something else. I opened my own business and we booked holidays!

I am now luckily pregnant after 3.5 years of trying. Ok so we'll lose the deposit on the holiday we've booked next year, and it will certainly impact my new business BUT I don't regret finally living life whilst still trying.

I think this is a tricky one as it's so individual. It depends what happens on your "journey" really. We have been trying for 5 years, 3 ivfs and unfortunately had 2 ectopics later as a result of 2 of the ivfs we are both emotionally changed. The sheer "bad luck" of it all has made us both quite depressed as the prospect of further treatment means possibly further ectopics (risk increases with each one). Life has been on hold as I've been off sick a lot due to operations/treatments and just haven't had the physical or emotional energy to make any changes which would be the healthy thing to do in theory.

All I can suggest is try to do things you enjoy and be kind to yourself and eachother (if you are doing this with a partner). I enjoy pancakes for breakfast and watching trashy films preferably with a baileys! As for us I think we won't be able to start living again until we decide to stop completely as and have grieved as i can't plan anything while doing ivf in case I have another ectopic (I threw caution to the wind last time and started a course but had to stop as I had too much time off). Good luck.

How weird, I posted a reply yesterday but it's not appeared. Anyway........

Thank you ladies for your responses.

Foreverhopeful - congratulations on your BFP. I do so admire your attitude. I really agree with having something else to focus on, with me it has been renovating our house that has taken my mind off things.

User148....... I'm so very sorry for your losses. It never gets any easier does it. I can totally relate to you saying that it changes you fundamentally. I hope you take your time to heel before embarking on your next treatment plan.

As for me, I'm coming at it from also having 3 failed IVF's. First round I developed OHSS which was awful which ultimately resulted in a BFN. Second IVF, very faint positive which didn't progress and ultimately ended in a Blighted Ovum. So cruel, my body was preparing for a much longed for baby by producing the sac but no baby inside :-( Third IVF also BFN. My consultant now wants us to seriously consider a donor egg as I have very poor quality eggs. I'm only 37 and all 3 IVF's have seen very low fertilisation even with ICSI. DH is 46 and is absolutely fine.

At first we were up for Donor Egg but the more I thought about it the more I felt like I wasn't ready. We're now taking 4 months out, after reading "It Starts with The Egg" we're now embarking on a period of reducing down all nasty toxins, overhauling diet and taking a multitude of vitamins in order to try and improve egg quality.

At times though I just want to say oh sod it lets just accept that it's going to be the two of us + furbaby who I love more than life itself. I'm currently more excited at the prospect of a new kitchen than I am about a 4th round of IVF. To think when we first started I was so optimistic and was convinced it would work on our first go.

Before we began TTC we bought the big 4 bedroom family home for all the children we were going to have! Ah what a joke! We've lovingly renovated it but now I'm thinking that if we don't end up having a family I don't know whether I want to stay there. The empty bedrooms just seem to mock me on a daily basis.

We’ve got that big house is a family area too If things don’t work out, we might change our lifestyle altogether and have been fantasising about it. We aren’t putting the house on the market just yet, though. I’m planning to start retraining for a different career from Jan and try to live my life without IVF taking centre stage.

Have you had counselling? We’ve found it useful in getting some ideas together and accepting the situation.

I often have the same thoughts. When I'm thinking about holidays, I dare not book for anywhere that might have the zika virus. I feel stuck in my job because the mat leave policy is great. I don't want to see my friends as much as they mostly all have babies or are pregnant now and it upsets me. Infertility has affected every part of my life in a way I'd never have imagined. Lately, we have tried to make an effort go and do more fun and spontaneous things that we couldn't do if we had a child and I really do appreciate the life I have, but it is so hard to live it sometimes. No advice OP but I can completely empathise. x

Hi JoJo

Lol I just thought it was good planning to get all my ducks in a row with the big house in the nice area. We did live in a city and moved out to be closer to work but if things don't work out for us I've always hankered after going back to the city.

No we've not seen a counsellor, I did have a session booked in for just me after a particularly awful period but I chickened out of going.

Might be worth exploring again...............

Counsellors are worth considering. We've been seeing one on a weekly basis and it's made a massive difference to how well we're coping with the whole thing - i.e. we're copying very well.

Do update on how you're getting on It starts with an Egg :) It's quite full on.

catlover your post really resonated with me. I don't have any words of advice, but just wanted to add, I totally empathise with how you're feeling (to the point I once could have written your post).

I'm also sorry because infertility makes life difficult in ways you'd never imagine until you're going through it.