I'm back and can't bear it

[Iamchanging]

Don't know why I'm posting this really, it's a bit pointless but needed a rant / vent / cry.

After what seemed like forever on the infertility journey we finally got pregnant on the last round of Clomid with a little girl. We felt blessed every day for almost 6 months that we had been so lucky. We were happy with just the one child, she was everything we ever wanted.

On Monday I go into hospital to deliver our precious little girl stillborn. After the 20 week scan we finally let ourselves believe and had a wonderful weekend creating the most beautiful nursery for her. The door is shut now and I can't imagine ever being able to look at it again.

So that's it really. We will grieve and we will endure and then I'll be back on the drugs again praying for another miracle. Life is just shit sometimes.

@Iamchanging I hope it goes as smoothly as it can for you. The first set of pills were fine for me, gave me mild period cramps. I had three rounds of the pills and Eilidh was born after around 11 hours. I went completely into the zone for the last hour or two. DH said I was just completely in myself if that makes sense. I think the only point I spoke was to reel him that my waters had broke.
Take any and all pain relief that is offered if you want it. I didn't want an epidural but I know they have no problem giving you one if you feel you just don't want to feel the pain on top of everything else. I had morphine but it didn't really agree with me - I did find the gas and air really helped though. So I suppose what I am trying to say is if a pain relief option isn't working for you then do ask for another option. The midwife will want to make you as comfortable as they can.
Enjoy her when she comes - I know that sounds completely crazy but you don't get that time back and actually having my baby in my arms is still the most amazing thing just feeling her weight and seeing her in reality was truly awe inspiring.
Top tip from the Internet - have a radio with you in the room. The silence of that room can be hard to bear.
Thinking of you and Beth today and your husband.

So so sorry for you and you DP

For Beth

I am so so sorry

Back at home now, will go back in for more drugs on Wednesday if nothing happens before then. I just miss her kicks so much and feels unbearable that she is floating around dead in my tummy. How are you bearing it Miami? Did you find it easier or harder once you had actually given birth? X

Hi iamchanging I lurk on the Dec and Jan Babies threads (I'm due 30th dec) and recognise you from the Jan board.

I thought I'd share my experience to offer some comfort: after TTC for just over 18 months my DH and I decided to do IVF. Our first round was successful and I was pregnant with a beautiful and healthy baby boy. At 17 and 19 weeks I went in to hospital complaining of bleeding - both times I was sent home and told everything was fine...

At 20 weeks I was in labour. To be told you're going to give birth at some point in the next 24 hours but your baby will either die in the womb or die shortly after the birth was unbearable. The pain of labour and the tears that came with knowing I won't have a living baby at the end of this torture... words cannot describe. I still remember lying in that hospital bed breathing in the gas and air and talking to DH how I just wanted to get it over with so our son could be with the angels (just typing this I am starting to tear up).

He was born alive and we are 'lucky' enough to have a birth and death certificate for him. Legally, he exists. But to be told our son's death was actually preventable if the hospital had spotted complications earlier on in my pregnancy is a pain I carry around with me every.damn.day. I am still angry. I am still bitter. Why me? Why us?

But our journey was just beginning, during our grief we did an FET cycle which failed adding further to our misery. We licked our wounds and came up with the money again for a fresh IVF cycle only to result in an mmc at 6 weeks where I miscarried naturally at 9 weeks. Our second FET has resulted in my current pregnancy where I am now 28 weeks.

I know what you're going through and there IS life on the other side. Hang in there xxx

Hi Again,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story, it made me well up just reading it. Our baby girl was born at 3.00am this morning and the care and support at the hospital has been amazing. We got to cuddle her, and they are taking little casts of her hands and feet.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through a similar experience, and I'm so glad to hear that you are now expecting your super rainbow baby. Hopefully one day we will be in a similar situation once we have had time to grieve and heal x

I'm glad you've had good care, that's a little bit of comfort at this time. Sorry you're going through this

Have been thinking about you today iamchanging And thank you for updating us all. The worst is over and now is the time to grieve and heal. Will you be having a funeral/service for your daughter? We were legally obliged to bury or cremate our son (as per the procedure following the death of a person) but I look back on his funeral as a beautiful day where we sent our son to rest forever in peace and comfort.

On a practical note, have you been offered a pill to stop your breast milk coming in? It doesn’t happen to everyone in our situation but it did to me, my milk came in after 2-3 days of giving birth and they were massive and rock solid, lots of leaking and very very painful. I wasn’t allowed to touch them or express myself as it would trick my body in to thinking my baby would be taking the milk and produce more. I had to go back for a pill to stop any more milk production but if you take it in advance it can stop the milk coming in in the first place.

Keeping posting here if it helps you process everything. We’re all here for you x

Thank you everyone. Yes as she was born at 25 + 4 we have to register her and also have a funeral, but we are going to have the one the hospital organises at the local crem with very close family only invited. For us the bigger thing will be scattering her ashes down in Cornwall.
We slept for 11 hours last night as we were so exhausted, but I've woken up feeling so emotional today. They gave me the pills for my milk but my boobs are still massive and extremely painful so not sure if they have worked. Just feels so wrong not to have our baby here after loving her for so long. We keep looking at all the pictures we took and sobbing our hearts out...