Setbacks and waiting...how do you cope?

[ohbigdaddio]

Hi all, was all pysched up to start IVF in a few weeks (it's taken a lot of looking after my mental health to feel ready!) Had our consultation today and l need a hysteroscopy (think that is the right name!) as l have a fibroid protruding into my womb. I can begin IVF this month but they would freeze any embryos and wait until after the op to put them back in a natural cycle.

This means a wait of at least 2-3 months on the NHS for the procedure. I burst into tears at the fertility clinic as l just cant believe there's more waiting to do. I so wanted to get on with IVF properly right away.

It has struck me along this journey that l cope badly with unexpected setbacks and the waiting takes such a toll on my mental health. I feel like I'm wishing my life away all the time. I can't be the only one and l wondered how you deal with it? We have just been on holiday so that's not an option to fill in time

Sorry you're now having to wait you are definitely not alone in feeling like you're wishing your life away. My DH and I tend to use events as markers, e.g. In January we were invited to a wedding in a November. We were saying at the time that I'd definitely be pregnant by then. We'll do another IVF cycle in the new year so now I'm just wishing away the rest of 2017.

I genuinely don't know how we 'cope', it just kind of happens, doesn't it? I have wondered this myself. I think ultimately I find it easier to just try to forget about setbacks and failures. Easier said than done but I find that burying my head in the sand is the only thing that works for me.

Every year which passes is worse, obviously. We're all very aware of time in this situation, aren't we? One thing I do now (and I really stick to this rule) is that I don't spend time with people who don't make me feel good or don't "get it". Of course that means that I don't see a lot of people but the people I do see bring me my only happiness in life and really lighten the load for DH and I. Hang on in there, I hope time passes quickly for you.

Sorry for lengthy post .

Don't apologise TipsNotHacks It's good to hear from you. I like your rule for trying to make sure you're surrounded by supportive people.

Yes, l'm certainly more aware of time passing than I ever have been in my life. I suppose it's the nature of the beast...

Wishing you lots of luck for the New Year. X

The waiting is without doubt the hardest bit, every appointment and follow up seems to take forever....I was originally referred in November 2015 so it has taken almost two years to complete all my tests, 6 rounds of clomid and all the appointments in between. I never thought it would take this long....

I don't actually know how I cope with it tbh but I had a really rough time at the back end of last year and I really don't want to go back there....so I practice mindfulness and I don't spend too much time thinking of what has been or what is to come.
It's not easy but I generally just don't allow myself to think too much, I allow a little daydreaming about next steps but on the whole I just try to focus day to day.

If nothing else the ttc journey has taught me patience, even if I'm not always able to stick to it!

I'm trying to be flexible with my definition of coping... Some days I think I'm coping because I was productive at work, maybe laughed with colleagues. Some days coping is just the fact that I managed to get out of bed, dress myself and get to work. Sometimes coping is keeping myself fed and watered between crying spells in bed.

Every day you're coping, and you'll carry on coping even when you're sick of it and worry you can't do it anymore. It might look different each day but you will cope. My colleague who is going through something similar though not IVF says the key is to keep going forward. Keep plodding.

When I have the energy to try to be positive we also try to chunk the time, big events like pp have said or something smaller eg. GOT starting or now Strictly.

But there's a lot of just 'existing' if I'm honest and I find myself wishing life away too. Another shitty shitty side effect of this horrible bloody situation.

As for setbacks, I don't handle those 'well' either. My first cycle was cancelled at baseline and I sobbed for days. But I'm currently stimming and nervously taking it scan by scan. I can't bear to imagine having to deal with another set back now... but, if it happens, I'll wake up each day, eat, drink and hug my dog and sometimes that is enough.

I'm so sorry you're suffering too

I don't mean this to sound patronising at all, but does anyone set them self goals or distractions eg starting a new hobby? I read that author of Running Like a Girl Alexandra Heminsley took up swimming to deal with going through IVF... I am thinking of focussing on yoga and starting a beginner's course so that I'm thinking about something else in my life rather than just my current situation. I feel like I need some sort of other goal in my life alongside my real aim of having a family.

I suppose I just remind myself that ivf is only a part of life. I make sure I spend time with family and friends, have time for hobbies, sports and little projects around the house and the garden. There is more to life than (in)fertility so 'distractions' (or just having a life really) are important to keep up.

I think doing a yoga course sounds fun ;)

Hi OP, I feel your pain, we were originally told due to my cancer we couldn't have kids, then a miracle treatment came along & I needed IVF to EC & freeze any embryos resulting for a potential surrogacy. Referred Sep 2016, testing Jan/Feb 2017, EC big rollercoaster over Easter 2017 told eggs rubbish then miraculously grew & got 2 good quality embryos. But for surrogacy they HAVE to be put on ice in quarantine for 6 months. We have a surrogate in my best friend so it's been a waiting game since which will now be up end of Oct for FET.

I agree with others, try & put little goals or "things to look forwards to each week/month" so that means the time goes whilst looking forwards to that. Yeah I cry frequently thinking it's ages. But that won't change it so I try & focus on that.

It helps to have my friend to talk to so if you don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it other than OH, I would tell someone who will be supportive as it is a horrible waiting game.

At the minute I am massively focussing on Xmas, getting shopping done early, busying myself working out what we're eating/what I'm cooking as we're hosting, planning & making decorations as that will be after FET is all over & we will know either way. Ppl can think I'm a Christmas nut but stops me cooing over baby stuff I will pore over Xmas stuff instead! 🎄

In a similar situation here. Was all set to go ahead with FET later this month, but they found a polyp on the scan today which means putting everything back till that can be sorted. I know it's not a major issue in the grand scheme of things, but this is our 5th go (1st & only frozen) and I was feeling so positive this morning, but now I just fell like no matter what we do there is always an issue and was on the pint of abandoning the whole cycle when they told me (I'm blaming the drugs for my drama llama tendencies at the moment )

Sorry you've had to wait, OP If I'm honest, sometimes I don't cope and just feel sad, others I feel more optimistic. I've also shifted from the first months of romanticising the TTC process to feeling completely distraught to now feeling a bit more neutral.

I suppose I've also sort of accepted that not having a biological child is a possibility. A terrible, painful, awful one that I certainly haven't "embraced" but I'm at least acknowledging it. I try not to give that idea too much weight as it feels too pessimistic, but the possibility of embracing hope and imagining a baby is also too frightening for me at this point. I've also found that chatting here is helpful in not feeling so alone, and chatting with a couple of friends IRL who are great support.

As NoImBridgetJones said, this process happens one day at at time and there are loads of setbacks and humps along the way. (That seems more the norm in fact!) It's bloody awful to have the goalposts moving all the time, as it feels we're putting life on hold but the ultimate goal of having a baby is so, so worth it to me. I've tried picking up a hobby or two but ultimately my brain is too distracted with thoughts of IVF, fertility, etc.

Ohbigdaddio thank you

Meadowlark, I just want to say that you've captured this experience so well and have said everything that I feel. One of the biggest challenges for me is wanting people to understand how deeply painful this is. I'm very much someone who is 'half full' and 'happy go lucky' (sounds big headed written down, I know) and I never feel able to be truly honest because I can't actually find the words to convey how I really feel. You have done that in your post. Genuinely had a little cry reading that and I am as hard as nails these days. for you all,

OP I was told I had to have a hysterscopy before IVF. As soon as I was referred for IVF, I was put down for a hysterscopy while I waited for IVF which was approx 3 months. Got my hysterscopy within 2 month and it was all clear for when my top of the waiting list appointment came.

Couldn't your clinic have done that? Seems like they've wasted time.

Sorry you've had to wait, It's a killer

@TipsNotHacks: Doesn't sound big headed at all (at least for me as I think I might be a similar sort of person) so glad I could share some thoughts and feelings that resonate with you. Infertility is absolute shite but I do feel fortunate to have such kind ladies here for support

Minke. How long have you been ttc? After one month?? There's only about a 20% chance each cycle in the best of circumstances...

One month is entirely insignificant in the land of ttc. Many many people without any health issues take up to a year to conceive...

physicskate
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Every step of the whole IVF process feels like it takes bloody ages; hoop after hoop to jump through! But three months in the grand scheme of things is nothing, especially if it means there's more chance of success :)
The evidence for FET is that it's potentially more successful than fresh. And it'll give you a breather after all the stimming, which you might find you want!
We had an enforced break/FET in our 2nd cycle because I got OHSS and it was lush to not have to take meds for a bit. I was in a much better place physically and psychologically when they actually did the FET.
I think focusing on other stuff is a great idea. I used to swim everyday but have had to stop with IVF for huge periods of time because of Crinone and "risk of infection". Yoga seems to be the best idea as they don't worry about you doing it post transfer. Otherwise they seem to want you to treat yourself like a Ming vase when it comes to physical activity 😊
Good luck!