A place to vent...

[Voni2208]

I'm really sorry if any of this makes no sense, I feel like I really need to get some things off my chest before I implode.
Bit of background first. DD age 2.5. Been ttc for 2 years. I've got PCOS and don't ovulate regularly, tests say DH has good swimmers. On our 2nd cycle of Clomid 50mg. Pretty sure I ovulate this month, dtd every other day as instructed. AF is due tomorrow. I desperately want to be pregnant but at the same time I just feel like giving up. I know people have been ttc for longer and have worse issues than us but depression about it is really creeping in. My DB & SIL are due in January and although I'm very happy for them, I'm incredibly sad for us. I've got to the point where I daren't do a pregnancy test coz I can't cope with it being negative again. I don't know if I can keep trying and feeling the kick in the gut every month that AF turns up. But at the same time I can't give up on something I desperately want.
If you've got to the end of this thank you, think I just needed to get it off my chest to someone other than my poor dh, who does everything he possibly can but doesn't know how to help me any more :(

Your post really resonates with me. It's torture month after month after month. We've been ttc#2 for over 3 years now, with an mmc in 2015 and nothing since. I feel like I've got no energy to be doing this any longer, particularly as it took us 3 years to ttc our dc1, and at the same time I'm not ready to give up either.

Did you have a scan/blood test to confirm ovulation? This is usually done when you're on clomid.

I really hope the clomid works for you and you no longer need to post on here. The whole ttc things takes over our whole life and consumes all our thoughts, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Thank you for replying, it's so nice to know someone knows how it feels but at the same time no one should have to go through this, it's a living hell sometimes.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it, my friends don't understand as they've luckily never had to go through this, and my poor husband doesn't know what to say anymore when I'm in tears coz AF arrived when I thought it could be our month.
I had a blood test during the first round of Clomid which showed I ovulated on 50mg, but the Dr I originally saw has now retired so saw someone else who was very very surprised I'd been prescribed it in the first place, and said basically try again with Clomid, but if I'm not pregnant after the 3rd cycle of 50mg to up it to 100mg but then that would be my lot (As we already have a daughter we can only have a max of 30 tablets). She wasnt bothered about seeing me again, i was just to get on with it. Her words to me - while looking at my notes that say I don't ovulate - "stop worrying and it'll happen"...
As I keep explaining to my in-laws (who are less than subtle about us not having another baby yet) you can have the best pot and fertiliser in the world but if you have no seeds you can't make a flower!!
Sending you happy baby dust

It gives me the bloody rage when people say 'stop worrying', I mean how can we not? And how is that in any way helpful? We don't come with an off switch, sadly, and it's not something we can just stop thinking about. It's not that simple.

Each month I actually say to DH this is our month and obviously it never is! I don't really believe it either but that little voice in my mind that says 'what if' keeps me going. Though I think it's that which will tip me over the edge eventually

It's shocking that you're not being monitored on clomid! How do they even know it's helping you without doing any scans or blood tests? Also, why was she surprised you'd been prescribed clomid? Sorry for the questions but I've seen the incompetence of dr's when it comes to fertility issues and in my experience they just don't take it seriously at all.

She said very few Drs will prescribe it, especially if you have a child already. Think it costs too much? Not sure to be honest. Luckily the first Dr I saw has PCOS herself so understood when I was at breaking point and tried to help me best she could. No further tests were scheduled after the first cycle (to check if I'd ovulated), just told to get on with it really. I think they are reluctant to help as I am overweight (size 18 so not massive but not ideal). I know I am, I also know what I need to do, but sadly it's not that easy with PCOS - which no Dr seems to understand either!!
I wish I could turn it off too, I wish I could stop caring and getting my hopes up every month. I wish I could just forget it for a while but it never goes away. The longing is always there. The reminder your daughter won't have a sibling like her cousins is there every single day. And it breaks my heart sometimes. I want her to have the same lifelong friend I have with my brother, and that my DH has with his sister. I just hope she can have one, even if they aren't as close in age as I hoped they would.
And why is it, every month, you get all the symptoms, AF is later than expected... but as soon as you've done the bloody expensive tests she arrives?!

I feel your pain, me and my partner have been ttc our 1st for almost 2 years now.

I have a big family with 1 niece and 5 nephews (another one due next year). I love them all so much and I'm close with all of them... but I see the way my family all look at me with sad eyes when I'm with them. Like poor her. Makes me feel pathetic tbh.

After a year of trying my brother and my SIL announced they were expecting their 4th baby ... which turned out to be 4th and 5th. 2 gorgeous boys! They were not planned and my brother already was struggling for money in their 2 bed house with 3 kids.

Now after coming off the pill my other SIL has fell straight away. Although I love being and Aunty and I am happy for the new addition, my heart is breaking. I'm not coping too well and have felt the whole "what's the point in trying"

The same month my SIL announced she was pregnant (which she complained to me was much earlier than she wanted) i had the worst sore boobs I have ever experienced and my period was 6 days late. Talk about cruel.

I'm currently on my 4th month of clomid. Ovulating but really don't get what's not working.

Family occasions are getting so hard for me. I don't know how I can keep this brave face up for.

Feels good to see I'm not the only one who feels this.. yet so sad that someone else and so many others feel this way too.

Did you conceive your DD on clomid?? How long did it take you??

Hope your ok!

Voni, tp95 please don't get upset. I know it's hard. I am pcos, all sorts of probs then GP missed something, bad cyst, had ovary, tube & other bits removed. Four sisters busy generating their own private population explosion. It was miserable.
TEN years later, 44, started feeling tired and Ds arrived shortly after 45th birthday. Am still getting over the shock. I know I'm a bit extreme but proves all things are possible even with one knackered ovary well past its sell by date. My oh thinks he's superman