Help me be sensitive

[Twounder]

Long-time poster, name changed.

Background: DH and I were trying for a baby for 5 years with no success. A week before we were due to start IVF (after a diagnosis of unexplained infertility) I discovered I was pregnant. Sadly I lost that baby at 20 weeks however I fell pregnant again about 5 months later and had a DS, who is 11 months.

Because it took us so long to conceive DS, I assumed it would take a long time to have another child, and so we started trying as soon as we could after DS. Amazingly, and happily, it happened quickly and I am now 16 weeks pregnant.

My issue is that, a good friend of mine (part of my best girl-friends group) has also been struggling with infertility and so we used to talk about the struggle and how shit it was seeing other people get pregnant. She was happy for me when I had DS but has distanced herself a lot since (which I completely understand) and we don't talk about DS when we meet as a group. Normally I would like to tell my group of friends that I am pregnant again but I obviously want to save my friend the inevitable hurt it will cause. So my question is, before telling the group, should I tell my friend first so that she has time to absorb my news in private? Or would that be patronising? If you do think I should tell her first, what exactly should I say?

Thanks in advance of any advice. I remember the crushing feeling of despair when others announcing pregnancies when we were struggling and although I know I cannot save my friend from that, I am keen to avoid doing/saying the wrong thing. Also a bit embarrassed at the small age gap given the circumstances.

Congratulations. I personally think it would be best to tell her separately in advance as then it hasn't come as a shock in front of a group and she doesn't have to try and hide how she feels. Also if the group make a big fuss it may feel a tiny bit better for her to already know and be expecting it. I don't know how it is best to tell her as even over the phone it may be awkward. Perhaps a message she can read at her leisure at a time when she would probably be home. But then she may be upset you didn't phone or tell in person. It's a difficult one.

I would def tell her beforehand, I think a msg would be ok and then explain in the msg that you wanted to call or meet but didn't know if that was the right thing but that you are definitely not trying to avoid her, just trying to be sensitive.
I remember when a friend / work colleague got pregnant during the time I was on clomid and various tests....she didn't tell me, I saw it on Facebook. In fairness she didn't have to tell me but I'd spent months giving her updates on my situation (she always asked) and she had got pregnant without really trying straight after her wedding. Perhaps she was embarrassed and felt awkward but I would have found it so much easier if she had told me, even just a txt msg just before posting on fb. The fact that I had shared so much intimate info with her about my struggles and she didn't even think to give me the heads up...I don't hold a grudge but it wasn't nice.
You can't win in this situation so just do what you can to be sensitive and gracious if she again keeps her distance.
Congratulations btw

Congratulations

Definitely tell her first and probably by text etc so she doesn't have to try and put on a brave face xx

I agree, tell her by text or email. It seems cold but it's the way most of us on this board would like to find out.
Congratulations by the way and you found like a lovely friend.

Text. I got told about my best mate who was ttc for about 4 months. I had been ttc a year and had an early miscarriage which would be due the same time she is...

That was horrendous - granted, 12 months (now 18) isn't all that long in the scheme of things, or even in ttc world, but it still devastated me. I haven't been able to see her since as we woulda been at the same stage... it's too painful. I tear up now even thinking about it, even though I'm at a relatively good place with acceptance and all that.

Text. The "fake happy face" is the worst thing in the world to have to do. And yes - in advance of other people too.

Ps- you shouldn't be embarrassed by your good fortune though.

Thanks for the advice. Consensus is to text her then. Just need to find the right wording I suppose.

I would just text and say you were planning on telling the group on x night but thought she might want to know beforehand. Then it also gives her the option of not going when you tell the group if that might be too hard for her. And congrats to you!

Agree telling her first and prob by text so she can digest alone

I think bluebird has it exactly right. Congratulations to you. As others have said you sound like a lovely friend.

Yes, send her a text - that way, she has time to arrange her face before she sees you.

Congrats on your news. Just be factual by text, don't sugar coat it.

Something along the lines of 'just to let you know we have some lovely news that I'm pregnant, and due in x month'

Please don't call or do a face to face- it's hideous for us infertiles. I also find the 'I know you might find this news difficult but...' type intro so awkward like people are waiting for some sort of forgiveness. Don't make it about her. I've been sent wine in consolation and all sorts!!