Cycle prep anxiety. Ruining holiday for husband.

[NoImBridgetJones]

We were supposed to start our first round of ivf last Thursday but it was cancelled at the baseline scan due to two large follicles and v.high estrogen on day 2. I was put on the pill for 3 weeks and we'll try again at the next bleed.

Before that I'd spent the last few months eating and exercising well and trying everything I had read to prepare. The sensible, the over cautious and the woo.

The failure at baseline scared me, and I didn't cope too well. I cried for days and didn't leave my bed. After a few days we confessed all to my inlaws who reacted amazingly and told us to book a last minute holiday and get away for a few days. It was the same day as my husband's 30th and they told us to take the holiday as his present from them. So kind and generous.

We had reservations about going... I've been avoiding flying and we were worried we wouldn't be able to eat healthily etc but we decided in a moment of haste to take the generous gift and booked a short trip to Italy.

I checked with the clinic re. zika and general safety to fly and they told me simply to have a nice holiday.

We arrived on Friday. Since then I have eaten nothing but crap.... pizza, desserts, cheese pasta etc stuff I've avoided for months and months. I woke up today to 13 giant, sore, itchy mosquito bites. We've gone out for the day and I've left my pill in the hotel. It'll be 4-5 hours until I can take it, 6 hours later than normal.

I'm freaking out. About everything. About the unhealthy food, lack of exercise, bottled water. Zika. There is NO ZIKA in Italy but I have had two panic attacks already today. Whether to use the mosquito repellent (have been avoiding chemicals) or risk further bites.

My poor husband is miserable. I'm miserable. We're both avoiding alcohol but I know he really wants a beer. He wants me to relax too and I know I need to.

I'm the one with the problem. Low ovarian reserve. Prematurely aging ovaries at age 29. I don't know what to do anyone have any advice? Not even too sure what I'm asking.

If it's any consolation on the cycle where I ate pretty much exclusively cake I had a decent number of eggs retrieved; whereas on the one where I ate super-healthily and took lots of supplements, I failed to respond to stims at all and it was cancelled.

You can't control what your ovaries are doing, not really. All you can do - and I know it's really hard - is try to live in the moment and enjoy your holiday. Have a glass of wine. Have an amazing Italian ice cream, and really taste it and make the most of it. When you get home, you'll pick up with the healthy eating, and all the groundwork you've already done is the main thing. Good luck!

Wine. NOW. It's the only way. And it will make no difference to your cycle, honestly
so many people have said to me their best cycle was the worst behaved. The benefit of a bit of fun will far outweigh the benefit abstaining. Hugs. Precycle nerves are horrendous.

Ps. The mosquito bites and late pill do not matter AT ALL. It's the cycle stress making everything seem much more important than it is.

Oh bless you. You really sound like you're beating yourself up unfairly.

Really, this time next year you could be knee deep in newborns.

Do your best to relax, and enjoy some time with DH. As a pp said, your ovaries will be doing their thing regardless of any pizza or beers you have.

Enjoy yourself, knowing that you are not harming your chances, and the procedures will continue when you get home. Fingers crossed it works for you first time.

Try and enjoy your holiday.

None of this-food, lack of exercise, alcohol, bottled water or the bites or repellent will make any difference to your ovarian reserve or to the outcome of your cycle. The Mediterranean diet is meant to be one of the healthiest in the world so I really wouldn't worry and would just enjoy the lovely Italian food.

Let your husband have a beer-a few beers on holiday are going to make absolutely no difference to his sperm quality or the outcome of the cycle.

Infertility is miserable enough as it is without worrying about your entire lifestyle or restricting yourself so much you can't enjoy any of the good things in life.

Oh op. I know it's hard but please try not to beat yourself up.

I have low ovarian reserve as well. I spent 13 months eating healthily, bankrupting myself with supplements, reflexology etc. Not a sniff of a bfp. I conceived the month I lived off coco pops and jack Daniels because I was so bloody sick of it all. I miscarried but that turned out to be due to a uterine septum and scarring, not coco pops.

As others have said this journey is shitty enough without beating yourself up and making your holiday miserable. Enjoy yourself and be healthy when you get home. Let your DH have his beer. It won't make any difference.

for you. Everyone here knows exactly how you're feeling right now. You're not alone.

I'm sorry you're taking it so badly. My best advice would be to start counselling ASAP as your current state isn't good for you or the relationship.

Easier said than done, but take one day at a time. Enjoy being in a beautiful country with the love of your life.

And remember that having 2 big follicles despite poor reserve seems pretty amazing rather than awful

Thank you everyone. We've had a better day today. DH had a couple of beers last night and I had my first glass of wine since NYE. I'm struggling with guilt and worry but trying not to let it show for the sake of DH. It's so horrible seeing him stressed and sad too... He's such a happy-go-lucky person. The wine was worth it to see him happy.

I absolutely hate what this has done to me In so many aspects of life effort = outcome and it's so hard to shake that idea. That if I just try hard enough, follow all the advice, never deviate then I can save my few remaining follicles. But I know in my heart it's unlikely to make any real difference. It just doesn't make sense that my ovaries could be giving up the ghost at my age. I'm just a normal person, I've drunk, eaten badly, been a touch promiscuous on occasions but surely that's all normal stuff?? I don't understand what I've done wrong to cause this or why it's not happening to other women the world over who drink out of plastic and eat pizzas. You know, if it really made a difference. It doesn't make any sense.

Sigh.

Thanks for listening yesterday and the support. I didn't know what I was looking for but you all helped. Thank you

Come on... You've done nothing - all this ovary business is genetic. There is a bit you can do, like healthy lifestyle etc but that will only make a tlittle difference to things.

I would ask hubby to go easy on the beer. And have 8+ of his 5 a day, wear lose pants etc just to make sure his swimmers are in the best shape possible when the day comes.

You've done nothing wrong op. It's just shitty bad luck.

As a fellow low ovarian reserver (we should start a club) I can promise you that all the things you are feeling are totally normal. I've beaten myself up a million times wondering how I got here and why it's happening to me. I ate a slice of cake yesterday and felt crippled with guilt ffs. Totally ridiculous.

The feeling that if you just do everything by the book you can reverse it is also total normal, but in reality that's not really true. I actually feel the fertility book industry preys on vulnerable women to a certain extent. I hate the way some of them try and tell you that if you live off green juice/ bank rupt yourself buying everything organic 100% of the time/never wear perfume again you'll get your miracle baby. It's utter bollocks and just makes already vulnerable women beat themselves up even more.

You have to find a balance that works for you or you will go insane. I eat healthily most of the time, but don't deny myself the odd treat now and again. I barely drink anymore, which is a killer. I'll have the odd cocktail etc now and again though. I couldn't cope otherwise.

Are you taking any supplements at all? I'm on dhea, ubiquinol and melatonin for my low ovarian reserve. God knows if they help, but I'll try anything!

JoJoSM2 How do you manage to fit in 8 of 5 a day? Totally serious question. I struggle with even 5 for DH and I. We're healthy eaters, but I still find it hard. It stresses me out trying to plan all the nutritious meals.

Oh op - I'm sorry you have such aweful anxiety.
For what it's worth my first ivf was cancelled similarly. The second round worked and I have a beautiful baby boy.
I didn't prep well for my ivf - I ate McDonald's burgers a few times (the first and last times in my life) I drank the odd glass of wine to help me relax. I ate cheese, heavy carbs etc. I did it to try to be as unstressed and relaxed as possible.
Ivf is full of very powerful hormones and drugs. The odd unhealthy meal, drink etc is not going to affect things too much.

Isthismummy, yes I do eat 8-10 of my five a day. Five a day is a hoax anyway and people do need more than that :) I would say most of my family (i.e. Mum, siblings + their children etc) eat like that. Eg berries with my morning porridge, tomato juice and side salad with lunch, in the afternoon a carrot and an apple to snack on, with dinner: sweet potatoes, broccoli and peas + strawberries for dessert. That's 9 of your 5 a day in total. DH didn't grow up with this much fruit and veg but has got used to it: snacks on fruit and with he sandwich for lunch he always gets a small packet of broccoli/carrots/radishes etc.

As a fellow low ovarian reserver (we should start a club)

I'm in this shitty club too.

In so many aspects of life effort = outcome and it's so hard to shake that idea..

I think this is a part of infertility which a lot of us struggle with. It's really tough feeling helpless and that you have no control over things. Unfortunately there is a lot of this we have no control over.

I think as long as you eat reasonably healthily most of the time, keep alcohol to a sensible level and don't smoke there's very little else you can do to help things.

There's a multiple failures thread on here full of the things (from the sensible to the woo) which people have tried/put themselves through which have not made a blind bit of difference and have just made us miserable, frustrated and anxious.

Glad you had a better day yesterday OP. Infertility is tough so don't be so hard on yourself and really don't beat yourself up over the wine it's going to make no difference. Clinics generally don't even recommend stopping alcohol until you start stims.