Looking for tips on how to cope with infertility/recurrent miscarriage.

[Maggie82]

Hi. I've been trying ttc for two years. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks a year ago followed by a drawn out MMC at 9 weeks last September. I then had a successful IUI treatment in March with a normal ultrasound at 6 weeks only to discover I'd had another MMC in June at my 12 week scan. I took the last one really hard and have found my usual technique on just getting on with things is no longer working.
I have a stressful job and have had to cut back my hours as my concentration is just not there, I can't really think about anything else. I am swinging between feeling like I need to adapt my life as far as possible to maximize my chance of getting pregnant and not wanting it let it hijak my whole life and become the only thing I can think about forever.
It would be great to get advice and practical tips from people who have found ways of managing this huge burden. I suspect life is just going to be really hard until I have a successful pregnancy/decide to adopt but I am up for anything that might make things more bearable.

Fuck knows! 4 miscarriages later I haven't managed to work it out but I wanted to say you're not alone.

I too swing between wanting to try anything and want to try and enjoy/live life as normally as possible.

Sometimes I wish I could switch my brain off as I only really seem to get respite from thinking about it when I'm immersed in something at work.

I guess I have coped largely by carrying on as normal, talking to friends and running. Lots of running! And a reasonable amount of drowning my sorrows.

Also looking for tips if anyone has any?

No real advice(you have my full sympathy, there are no positives to be drawn from infertility, it is all consuming). I asked a similar question in AIBU (called "seriously, how do you cope?") and received a few good responses to that and plenty of reminders that I'm not the only one in this situation which is oddly comforting (for me, anyway).

All I want is to feel peaceful and that is all I wish for anyone in this situation but it's easier said than done.

another one here in a similar boat,long drawn out mmc discovered at 9 weeks (finally dealt with at 14wks after some horrible shit), stillbirth at 27 weeks (physical disability discovered at anomaly scan, all thought to be fine and manageable then baby discovered dead at a monitoring scan), second trimester mc at 14+2 following 3 good scans (baby had triploidy - never bloody heard of it same as my sons disability).

Apparently all bad luck. My whole life seems to revolve around grief for the last three, particularly my son and wondering how i can make the next one work, plucking up the courage to try again, coping with being pregnant AND body clock ticking away. Phew. Feels good to let that out.

No tips although counselling did help me for the trauma side at least. Sorry for everyone else who finds themself in the same boat.

My way of getting over things is to get to the bottom of things - in your position I'd start demanding tests pronto. As you've had 3 miscarriages you are entitled to nhs tests so get booking in... see GP and take from there.
Things you might need to consider are low progesterone, thyroid problems, etc
Many people have success taking a tiny amount of asprin and vitamin d is good too but don't take asprin without speaking to dr first
Work on your overall health - your body is going to be run down physically with this. Eat well, exercise, sleep and take time to relax.
Cut out all caffeine and alcohol. Eat full fat butter and milk.
Emotionally, grieve for the potential children you have lost - go to a church and light candles, donate money to charities in their memory. Have a little at home funeral service with close family. Buy a memento that you know when you look at it you will think of them.
Know that you'll hold them in your heart forever. Know they never felt any pain or sadness and were with you always.
Remember the chances are you will get there and have a baby at the end. There's lots still to hope for and you don't want to look back and regret wasting this time being anxious and stressed - have confidence that the future you would look back and tell you don't worry everything will work out ok in the end one way or another

Thank you for all of your responses. I'm sorry that others have had to go through this horrible process and wish you all luck for the future.
I'm in the process of getting some bloods done and waiting for the gentics to come back so perhaps I'll feel better once I know a bit more about what's going on. I think part of the problem is that I'm always counting down to something whether it be my ovulation date, test results, monitoring scans. I feel like I'm wishing my life away.
I was told by a counsellor that I need to try and accept the situation for what it is and stop fighting it. I can see how that would help but it's easier said than done!
I stopped running when I got pregnant last September and never went back to it. Maybe I'll try and go this weekend.

I should add I've had 3 miscarriages but have the two most beautiful little children now. It can happen.
Definitely try and find out why this is happening - it could just be bad luck but it's likely they might find something fixable. Enjoy your run

I would second a lot of what Ice said. I did:

Counselling with a counsellor who specialised in miscarriage counselling (some charities to this for free/an optional donation).

Gardening (which I guess is similar to running - you're 'in the moment' while you're doing it).

Talking to others who've been through the same - both in person and online in forums. Have you come across the Miscarriage Association website and its forum?

Attending a remembrance service. Hospital Chaplains sometimes do them or there's a national charity called 'Saying Goodbye' who do them in cathedrals.

Having a few things that remind me of the lost baby - that was recommended to me by a counsellor and it's really helped.

Thank you. It's helpful to know how other people have tried to manage this and that it can still work out.
I think I've been so concentrated on trying again and thinking about how to make it work next time that I haven't really allowed myself time to grieve. It's amazing how much love you can feel for something which has only existed for a few weeks or months.

Hi Maggie. I am pretty much in the same situation as you. I am awaiting genetic testing to come back on the baby I lost in June. It was my fifth miscarriage. Once those tests are back then my consultant will start my tests.

My life over the last year has been consumed with tic. Tracking cycles, symptom spotting, testing, excitement, miscarriages, operations, bleeding, crying, desperation. My last miscarriage hit me hard. I had seen a healthy heartbeat and thought this was finally our happy ending. It wasn't.

For me, I think the fact we have had to take this ttc break while we wait for all the tests has really helped me. For the first time in a long time I am not being consumed by it. I still think of my babies every day. I decided to try and use the break to focus on something else. I have joined slimming world and I am determined to lose a couple of stone before we try again. That has really helped me. Knowing that I am doing everything I can to be in the best possible position next time.

Hi Beyondhope. I'm so for your losses. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this 5 times. I think you're right that being forced to take a break from ttc gives you a chance to try and focus on other things (I'm still wor king on this). It makes sense to use that time to look after yourself and get as healthy as possible. Let me know how your results go. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.