Secondary infertility - thinking of IVF

[littledragonmama]

Hi all. Am relatively new to the forum :D
I am 39, have been TTC for the past 2.5 years for our 2nd child. DD just turned four and we also tried (painfully) for about 2 and a bit years to conceive her, and just when we were about to go through IVF got pregnant "naturally" - meaning I had some hormones the prior month, which might have helped.
We are categorised as "unexplained infertility", but I am practically a mess in terms of gynecological health - (potential) endometriosis(ovarian cyst), fibroid, low AMH/egg count, high TSH levels - which has now been settled through pills - and slightly tilted uterus? But none of that is actually a cause enough to explain the infertility.
I have had IVF last year October for the first time, and was successful!- but miscarried at the end of December (baby stopped growing after week 7ish).
We were planning to do another round this summer, but DH changed jobs this summer and was completely stressed over that, so whole plan got derailed. Now that it is more settled, I am thinking of maybe trying the next round of IVF again in January/or even Dec.
There are several things that make me go back and forth.
One of which is whether if it isn't too selfish to spend 20k for a 25-30%ish chance at conceiving a child... keep wondering, isn't it too late? shouldn't I rather use that money to help others? should I go through adoption?

Another thing is that where we live there aren't many clinics around (last IVF was abroad with a obgyn in the family - so practically free ! but would be too difficult to try that again..) and the one we went to (LWC) wasn't very helpful....but then again their advertised success rates sounded okay. Should I travel to find a better one?

Third is - and I wonder if anyone else feels this way - is that perhaps it is already too late, I am too old? Would I be able to manage pregnancy and going through the early days again? but also my DD is already four and even if we succeed she will be five+ and would they even play with one another? Maybe one child isn't so bad after all?

But as many of you feel as well, I also am overwhelmed with the sadness of my inability to conceive another child and would really sacrifice so much for another chance... and do think that in my deathbed, one of the things I would regret is not having tried my utter most to conceive.

DH isn't as desperate as I am - for him it is not much of a necessity but willing to support if we do go through it.

I just wanted to throw this out there to see whether others have similar thoughts and how you deal with these issues... (sorry for the long post!)

Hi littledragonmamma,

So much of your post i could have written myself ! Except i m 41 (eek!!)

Sounds like you ve had a rough journey and i m so sorry you lost your baby after ivf, that must have been very hard.

Our son is 5 and we ve been trying to conceive our 2nd child for 3 years now. It took 18mns to concieve our son (concieved naturally the month we went for an ivf consult). Unexplained then except low amh (3). Periods returned when he was two (he breastfeed round the clock so had kept them at bay!). Actually fell pregnant after just 6mns ttc but miscarried at 9wks. Since then nothing except maybe a chemical last year when doing 6mns of superovulation. Have had some immune testing with slightly raised cytokines and natural killer cells, also have a small fibroid and retroverted uterus but current thoughts are immunes are my problem...... Have really struggled to decide if we should just give up and have had the same thoughts of am i too old ? Would the the age gap be too big ? How would i get on with pregnancy/newborn stage again ?

Initially i thought my main drive was to just give ds a sibling but actually when i worked out that actually he ll prob be fine (maybe even advantaged) as an only child i also admitted to myself i also want it for me, to be pregnant again, to get to use all those baby things again stored in the loft, to have the beautiful closeness of breastfeeding, to have the wonder of watching their milestones, to see ds interact with 'his baby' like his friends do and also to make the last 3yrs worth all we ve been through.

So we ve decided to do a round of ivf , well i suggested it and dh is happy to support tho like yours is less bothered and would also be happy (maybe even happier?) to stay as we are... Just waiting for af next week then start taking the pill for 3wks with plan to do short protocol begining of dec. I m terrified i m setting myself up for heartache if it fails or works but i miscarry but i guess its the risk i have to take. It will be my first time so would be nice to share things with some in a similar situation.

Re your dilemmas:

I don t think if you family finances can manage it you should feel bad about trying another round of ivf from the money point of view. You re not selfish to want another child, so many people who get this easily take it for granted.

If you can travel for the best clinic then i would do. We ve chosen a clinic with 36% sucess rate for 40-42 age group as i m not prepared to go thru all this without the best possible chance.

No way are you too old at 39 (otherwise i m well and truly over the hill !!. Many many women have kids no problem well into their forties and i think you d just manage with pregnancy and the newborn stages. To be honest I wish we d got our skates on at 39 and tried ivf then as i do feel i m running out of time now.

Re age gap my sister and i are 6yrs apart and played together when younger and are really close now (the gap now inconsequential). I think only children do just fine and its really not uncommon now, but i think having a sibling is not just about now its also about when you re adults and your parents grow old/get ill, its having someone direct connected to share that with.

Well i think i ve waffled on long enough ! It think there are no right or wrong answers and sometimes you ve just got to go with your instinct.

Hi both

I'm in a similar situation (although a little younger at 31). We have been trying for number two for over 3 years now and have a 5 year old DS. He is my only ever pregnancy, with the exception of a couple of possible chemicals. We have finally reached a point where we are ready for IVF. It has taken a long time to get here, the thought of parting with all that money for a 'maybe baby' when we could use it to give opportunities/experiences to our existing child is very hard.

We are categorised as male factor, DH has a consistently low (but not non existent) count. In recent times though, his morphology has dropped to 0% so we are looking at IMSI to hopefully find some normal swimmers! We are going to go abroad in January for round one. It's been hard to commit, because we keep thinking that there are some sperm there so the chances of a natural conception are very low, but not impossible!

Regarding the age gap, I think it would be a different kind of bond, but I know several 'grown ups' with a big age gap between them and their siblings and they get on very well. My DS asked me if we could adopt the other day so I know we have to try as much for him as for ourselves.

It's tough! But would be nice to share the journey with others in a similar situation.

HI closephine,

Sorry you re in this position. It s so bloody tiring the constant cycles of hope and disappointment and its heart breaking when your little one also asks for a sibling and you ve been trying so hard. Mine has done that a few times but thankfully nothing recently.

I completey understsnd the difficulty committing and thats why we ve carried on for so long desparately trying everything (supplements, acu etc) for a natural conception and its really my age pushing the ivf. And now as i m getting closer (i ll need to start the pill in a couple of days) to actually doing the ivf i m starting to question if i should go ahead.... i m really scared i might be 'pushing my luck' so to speak. We are so lucky to have ds and other than the infertility side of things our life is not bad so maybe we should just accept that. What if the ivf drugs or pregnancy/childbirth at my age make me ill or worse (this is in terms of risking myself as ds's mum not personally iykwim?). What if our relationship can t cope ? ( all this shit so far has definetly strained it) I think we can manage the process of ivf even if it didn t work but its more another miscarriage or something wrong with a baby later on that could be more catastrophic (eg dh and i having differing views on carrying on if a child had downs ). I guess its really that for ds he is happy right now and my pursuit for another could change that situation. Or am i just being pathetic (and doing too much goggling) ? Does everyone have wobbles before starting or if i feel this way should i really think about not going ahead ? Littledragonmama how did you find going through it with juggling the needs of you dd ? If i don t try ivf and am i going to have a lifetime of regret ? Ahhh i something wish i didn t overthink things so much !. Maybe its also pmt and waiting for the inevitable final dashed hope of last minute natural miracle that 'saves' me from ivf that i know is not going to happen.