Donor egg or embryo IVF abroad?

[Snowdog37]

It's looking likely these are my options, and I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through either of these and can recommend a clinic in Europe? Thanks! 💐

Snow, I just want to say that this process is daunting, emotionally and physically gruelling, financially ruinous and filled with anxiety. You will doubt yourself and your decision and your partner.

But when that baby is in your arms, all the crap that you've been through will fade to insignificance. So, keep your eyes on the prize.

The best best best of luck to you.

Thanks so much cingo It's such a rollercoaster. I'm both really really excited and also super stressed. It's not how I wanted things to be but isn't that always the way? Hopefully I'll have a baby to show for all this in a year or so. My dh keeps hugging me and saying it'll happen. I really really hope it will. I can't imagine a life without children of my own.

I've been researching and think Cyprus is the best option for me if I need to go down the egg/embryo donation route.

The clinics look good there too. Ugh there's so much choice, how do you pick?! I'm in the USA too so it's not like I can fly over with crappyjet and check a couple out.

Email all and ask for info

Read about their clinic and technology

See what success rates they have for

ivf over 40
Ivf with donated eggs
Ivf with donated embryos

Then do skpe chat with them all or the ones you like /feel comfortable

In terms of cost for embryo donation I think it would depend. I think some clinics 'make' embryos from donor eggs and sperm - I assume they would charge the same kinds of costs you'd pay for donor eggs and sperm. But some couples have embryos from their own treatment that they can't or don't want to use and I assume they would donate those without charge so you'd only pay for your treatment (a bit like if you were using your own frozen embryos). That's my assumption though - you'd need to look into it.

Setting aside cost, these options may or may not appeal to you. Like I say, I didn't like the idea of egg sharing and wanted an altruistic donor but other people might prefer egg sharing. Horses for courses and all that. For me it was very significant what we would tell our child about his origins and being able to feel comfortable with that story and it was also very important to me not to feel I had taken advantage in any way of the donor (I didn't like the idea of someone like us going through fertility treatment because they anted a child but having to use her eggs to essentially pay for it - there may not be logic to that but it was my feeling).

Yet another thumbs up for Institut Marques in Barcelona. Cost was not much more than stuff here (well it wasn't before Brexit related sterling crash....) and the people were lovely. My eggs were duff and there's a long waiting list here, plus the success rates are massively better with younger donors. We have gorgeous 8 yr old twins from our first attempt with DH sperm and donor eggs. Plus it's only a 48hr direct round trip, also the first time we went for DH to leave his sample, we had a week's holiday and it's an amazing place! Good luck!

Hi there, there's nothing at all to worry about :)

We went with Reprofit, Brno in Czech and they did a wonderful job. For a fraction of the price! PM me if I can help you.

Only downside with Spain potentially is the lack of information available for children when they get older. In the UK (don't know about other countries) you can trace your genetic parents when you reach 18. All we will ever know about my donor is her age, weight, height and hair colour. I don't know if that will matter to my children - I hope not - but I did hear someone in a radio phone in saying her parents were cruel to have conceived her without her being able to find out this information and she would never forgive them! That was before we had the treatment! There are pitfalls all round I guess - but we are so blessed to have my gorgeous monsters children and I'm hopeful we can deal with any teenage angst on that score.....

Though be aware that in Czech it is illegal for any info about egg donors to be passed on - if you're using one. That was our preference but may not be the case for everyone.

I've heard that too wandering and I can only hope our children don't feel that way. On balance, though, we felt that we knew nothing about the egg donor and as grateful as we were for her eggs, having that information would be a pandora's box for our children with the potential for a great deal of hurt.

We went to Serum in Athens and I am now pregnant. We had 5 oe IVFs previously and got pregnant with our first de cycle so feel very lucky.

I was so worried about using a donor, not that we wouldn't bond but how the child would feel about it when they were older. It was important to me to know the donor would be looked after well and be a good match both physically and in outlook. I think nature as well as nurture play an important part in a person's makeup and I wanted any child to feel part of our family and not too 'different'. The embryos felt like mine as soon as they were transferred and I only really think about them being donor when doing hospital tests where the donor's age is important (I am an older mum and some of the risks are reduced with younger eggs).

One thing that is important to consider is whether you want an anonymous donor or a donor that the child can trace when they are an adult. In the UK, all egg donors can now be traced but in many European countries it is only anonymous. Different countries have different degrees, so in some you may only get height, weight, eye colour and in others you may be allowed to know other things such as education or interests. I think there is a place in Russia where you can choose donors from pictures and mini biographies. Anyway, my point is that the law fluctuates from country to country so bear that in mind.

I would 100% recommend Serum. They have a very caring ethos and tailor to the individual, rather than the one size fits most that I experienced in the UK. They are also willing to take on the difficult cases that some other clinics refuse as they don't want them pulling their stats down! If you are interested, this compilation from one of Serum's most experienced patients is great for explaining everything. I used it as a bible! www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=274114.0

Good luck!

It is not necessarily the case that donors in the UK are older. That can often be the case with egg sharing where women are going through fertility treatment themselves but our donor was 24 and we didn't have to wait to be matched either. I just wouldn't want people think they had to leave the UK to find a suitable donor if they ideally wanted to have treatment here.

'Our donor was 24 and had a child of her own'

Thanks all! We are going to get info from IM, Serum and Reprofit. Budget-wise I think Reprofit might be a better fit, but we will talk to all of them and discuss egg and embryo/double donation just in case dh sperm isn't great. Plus he feels a bit weird if it's his sperm and someone else's egg iyswim? He would almost rather a whole unrelated embryo that gives us an equal genetic playing field, as if we had adopted an already existing child. It's a good point and I am certainly going to take his views into account as any child we create he needs to be 110% on board with too and I don't want to choose an option that might make him unhappy in any way either. This is a team venture. The great thing is, we have options! Now to sift through info over the next few weeks and decide on how to get our little family started! It's quite exciting really. I finally feel positive that it's actually going to work and we will have a baby or two.

Do bear in mind that if (highly unlikely event) your child needed a kidney, it would be helpful to be genetically related to one of you.

There will be much better medical records for one side of the child's family if they are related to your husband. The information you're given really doesn't go very far.

It would probably mean a lot to your child and go a long way to answering questions about identify if some genes are shared with the family they know.

Grandparents may find it easier to connect if they know there is some sort of biological connection (although if the child is only related to one side of the family, I suggest you don't tell that side because they can get uppity about it and feel more important than the other!) This is a small point but may mean a great deal to a child growing up - a genetic connection means they are much more likely to look like they come from the family.

FWIW, my DD isn't related to me but is a dead ringer for her dad and it's good for her sense of belonging. We like seeing the resemblances and it makes no difference to our sense of her being my child too - we often forget I'm not related and see resemblances that couldn't possibly be there :)

That's a good point. I guess I need to think beyond the child being ours, and take into account their future health issues and their own sense of belonging too. It's a minefield. When you have your own biological child you don't ponder all these things for hours, do you? I don't want to neglect any issues but I also don't want to overthink things because at the end of the day, this child would be a much wanted and well cared for child, and I'd hope that we could give them a secure enough grounding that they aren't negatively impacted by finding out their origin? I see it like adoption: we chose them out of many potential children and they are special and unique and wonderful just for us. Or is that too naive and pie in the sky? I just don't know. I have it all straight in my head and then emotions and anxiety mess it all up!

The genetic thing can be an issue going forwards - I have to say we do like the fact that my children can see themselves having inherited stuff from DH (although they also have my mannerisms etc from the nurture side of things). We'd happily have adopted or used donor embryos - but I agree with slender that if all else is equal, and your DH could provide the sperm, that might lessen one small aspect of possible future issues, who knows....! Kidneys aside, for example, my DD has been losing her milk teeth, and the two top front ones next to the middle ones didn't grow back for months and months. I took her to the dentist who said 'it should be fine, it's a genetic thing when those 2 teeth don't grow and the rest of you are fine'. Made me think for a while - although luckily hers did appear eventually. Point is - although we love all our kids whether there is any genetic link or not, having some link (if there is a choice) would definitely be a benefit, I think!

And I'd like to add - it needn't be an awful experience. People always said to me - 'oh how lovely, after all you've been through!' But actually, I hadn't been through much - esp compared with people who have multiple MCs or lots of tries at IVF. I had one attempt at IVF, which they stopped halfway through as I wasn't producing any eggs to harvest despite all the max level injections (night sweats anyone...??) due to being perimenopausal in my late 30s, then one go with donor eggs and got twins! Fab! Sadly the one embryo we froze didn't take when we went back later, but I can hardly complain! Try to look on it as an exciting next step in your family journey - I wish you all the luck in the world!

No, I don't think you're being pie in the sky. We agonised about it all too but now we have the children, there's a lull until they're older we have to think about it again! I remember really really wishing I could leap forward in time and ask them as mature adults what they wanted in terms of being able to trace their donor etc.. It's very hard to predict what will be right for someone else.

I'm not sure how far the 'we chose you' concept really irons out the extra tasks relating to adoption that are often faced by adoptees. From what I've read, having a different birth story presents certain processing challenges in terms of identity and belonging. Not something to feel awful about, just something to process - the upsides as well as the downsides. I'm anticipating a similar kind of thing with my children - hopefully on a smaller scale.

If you are going to carry the baby (I couldn't), that counts for a lot. I read one study suggesting that children tended to struggle more with the though to being carried by someone other than their mother than they did with the idea that they weren't genetically related to their mum. And then you've got all the interesting research to suggest that the body of the woman carrying the baby is responsible for activating certain genes etc..

Completely agree with wandering that children pick up so many mannerisms and 'looks' that it makes you realise how much of the time we must misinterpret similarities of gesture etc. as actual physical similarities.

sorry about the typos :)

We used IVI Alicante for donor eggs and got pregnant on our second cycle. They are really helpful. Our UK clinic had a link with them so I had all my scans and drug treatment here, my husband and I flew out to Spain for him to provide sperm and then we flew back on two occasions for FETs. From the minute I knew I was pregnant I loved my child. He is totally mine - I carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. There is also evidence that the mother influences the development of the embryo - i.e. if my son had been carried by another woman he would not look or act in the same way as he does now. Good luck x

How's it going snowdog?

Have you decided on a clinic yet

Nope! we are still weighing up our options. We could do embryo donation here for about the same cost as a donor egg ivf abroad. Or donor embryo abroad for even cheaper. Dh and I have talked ourselves round in circles about both. He has a family history (father, 2 sisters, a brother and himself, ranging from depression to bipolar) of pretty severe mental health issues and he's concerned about passing this burden onto a future child. The benefit of embryo donation would be a (hopefully) lesser risk of genetic issues. It's like adopting except you carry and give birth. You can get PGS tested at Reprofit for an amazing price. Here they are many thousands just for one. At the end of the day I want to carry and give birth and be a mother. I'm really not fussed about genetic links. Genetics don't equal family. Love equals family. (Sorry to be a sop)