A little bit of understanding and advise please

[user1475837290]

Hello. My name’s Kiara. I'm begging you for some understanding and... help.

My story isn't easy to swallow. Many of you will judge me. I do care about it, but I got used to it. Especially since my parents kicked me out of home at the age 17. I’m 41 now. I got a good job, thanks to my boyfriend, so cheerful and kind man. I guess I can say he saved my life. Because till the age 36, I used to be a drug addict. I'm happy to get rid of this constant chaos in my head. I'm still visiting my therapist three times a week. But it can be too hard. These flashbacks. They haunt me in my dreams or when I'm alone. Sometimes I'm afraid all that is happening now, my boyfriend, a good job is just a perfect dream, which can end up right here, this moment, and I'll wake up at the shooting gallery in this endless nightmare. And the worst thing is to recall about my lost child. I was so young and so stupid that I accidentally got pregnant. I can't even remember when it happened. I just woke up one morning and noticed that my belly was enlarged. I didn't think much of it and just got high. Again. Oh God, I wish I had never been born. After a month, I guess, I woke up in my own blood with a little red clod between my thighs. It was a baby corpse. God...
Anyway. I do repent now. Really do. I'm so sorry for being so stupid. I am sober for five years. My boyfriend knows about what happened. He accepts it. I love him so much you can't even imagine. We talked much about it and decided to have a baby. We tried to conceive for almost two years, but it never happened. I don’t know, maybe it is because of that.. accident. You would probably think I deserved it. And you will be absolutely right. But if you have a little bit of pity, please, advise me. I don't know what to do. I just want to become a normal person.

Hi Kiara
Your past sounds as though it was chaotic and nightmarish. Congratulations on overcoming it, you climbed a mountain with your recovery. Your post shows that you are still hard on yourself about your past, you deserve to forgive yourself. Have you considered getting some counselling to work through it all?

A miscarriage in the past will not make you infertile so please don't blame yourself.
If you and your partner have been trying for two years without sucess you could ask your GP for some fertility tests for you both.

We don't usually use our real names on here to protect your privacy. If you want to get this thread amended or deleted you can report your own post to MNHQ.

You need to see your GP about your infertility as it might be something really simple they can solve and your partner will need to have his sperm tested too.

What happened to you is very sad, miscarried babies are very shocking to see, but you have no evidence that your substance misuse was the reason for miscarriage. Miscarriages are often natures way of letting go what wasn't right or healthy to survive. Stop causing yourself distress about it.

Maybe write a letter to your lost baby and bury or burn it.

You have worked hard to be clean for 5 years and you deserve good things. I can tell you from experience that the one way to not get pregnant is to stress about it! It was acupuncture and giving up hope that worked for us.

You are a normal person, we all have pasts and regrets and worries. Life is about learning and moving on. I often think what would i say if this was happening to a mate, when i am self critical. Your answer would be i am sure to say to your best mate that the past is gone, you are doing wonderfully and to cut yourself some slack.

Remember - It will be alright in the end, and if its not alright, its not the end!

These are the words of blessing, MerdeAlor. Thank you.
I'm counseling three times a week with my psychotherapist. We talk much about it. I guess it is only a matter of time.

I don't care about privacy. There is enough hiding for me. I want to start communicating with people and maybe help and advise somebody like you do it here. All I know are drugs and how to fight with them. Maybe it can be useful for someone.

Yeah, you are right. I need to visit my GP. He is the only person who can clear all thing up

Oh, thank you, Firsttimer82. Your words warm my heart.

I like your idea about a letter. I guess living a normal clean life is the only way I can atone for my deeds before my lost child. And this letter could be the first step.

I'm trying to think of it as something easy to solve. But what if the drug misuse caused some abnormalities in my body? Yeah, you are right speaking of the influence of stress. I just need to stop thinking about the bad and visit my GP so that he could say for sure is there something wrong with me or my husband.

So, all in all, have you became pregnant? And what were your issues with pregnancy?

Hey all
So, I've been to my GP. He headed me to a fertility clinic where I went through a lot of analyses. I didn't understand much of what the doctors were speaking of, but I know for sure that I don't have enough progesterone to implant fertilized egg to the uterine wall. I have my hormones imbalanced, and I need a long term treatment to fix this. Also, I've spoken with my doctor about the drug influence on pregnancy, and now I'm frightened even more. Children born to drug addicts are born with different abnormalities. I don't want my baby to suffer all his life only because of my past and mistakes! So I will pass the treatment, but I don't want to become naturally pregnant! So, some of you were speaking about other options to have a baby. Can you tell me more about them?

You've been clean for 5 years. I think the chances of a baby having an abnormality because of your past drug use is probably nil. Perhaps you should talk about that with a doctor?

Your other options would be adoption or surrogacy, but neither is an easy option.

Are you in the UK?

Sparechange, maybe you're right and the chances are really low. But you know, I dont want to risk, I don't want my baby to bear my sins. I've been told in a PM what surrogacy is exactly and I think it would be better for my child and me to go for it. No matter how hard it's going to be.

Yes, I am in the UK, but I'd better look for the clinic abroad, there is no person that would act as a surrogate to me

You really need to do more research on this before making a decision. The 'risk' to the child is a combination of the risk passed on from your and your partner through your genetics, as well as the risk of the surrogate carrier. If you want to go down the route of a gestational carrier, where the baby is the product of your egg and your partners sperm, but carried in another woman, I really don't see how the baby can be at any greater risk than if you carried the baby yourself.

If you want go have a baby which uses the egg of another woman and the sperm of your partner, carried in another woman, there are other considerations. Depending on the country where the surrogate is based, you may have to get approval from social workers in more than one country to bring the child home. Which will mean giving them full disclosure of your past. All reputable clinics would also want you both to have counselling before embarking on the treatments.

It is not something to see as an 'easy option', and it is also potentially very expensive. You are looking at upwards of £10k, and probably closer to £20k.

When you say your hormones are 'out of balance', that is something which is potentially very easy to treat.
If it is just the low progesterone issue that you mention, it is something as simple as using a pessary twice a day to give you more progesterone, and doesn't need any long term treatment.

You really ought to seek out some specialist counselling and advice for this...