Why cant I say it in real life

[clmustard]

I really want another child! I really really want another child!

I haven't been on here a while because the whole thing just got too overwhelming.

I know I am lucky that I have a child already. She is amazing. The absolute best. But I feel guilty for not being able to give her a sibling. She is now 7 and we have been trying for years.

I have PCOS, I have issues where I bled constantly for 6 months. So I have lost 3 stone (Still with some way to go) I am on metformin and my cycles seem to be, well, cycleish! and still no pregnancy.

I know I should accept that it is probably just not going to happen and be grateful for what I have. And I am grateful. I just cant help feeling that my family have so much love to give. I see my husband and daughter playing with our nieces and nephews and cant help feeling that I am failing them.

We have thought about adoption as we know there are kids in need but find myself concentrating on the reasons we would be turned down (My weight, the fact we would still both need to work full time after adoption leave, the fact I had a period of depression over 15 years ago) and the pressure the process would put on us and our daughter. And I question if that would be fair on her.

Anyway, I just needed to say it all because its eating away at me. And I am on my period, which isn't helping. I waited so long for these things to turn up and now they are turning up regularly they are making me feel even worse! It fucking sucks!

Oh my goodness

You are not "failing" you are being a wonderful mother to your lovely DD. Families come in all shapes, but not having a sibling will not cause harm.

It's ok to say you really want a baby, although sometimes is hard to say the things we'd want most out of fear.

You sound sensible and to be doing all the right things. Hold your head high and keep on your impressive weight loss journey.

Adoption is a whole other animal. It's certainly not a quick fix solution for these situations as you've rightly realised.

It must be tough though with these feelings constantly wearing at you. Could there be some other distraction to help you through this rubbish period? Maybe a nice treat for yourself?

Hope things improve soon OP

Thank you.

There have been adoptions in my family so I know all too well the pitfalls and the troubles (And the utter unconditional love when it goes right)

Unfortunately I am spending so much time concentrating on trying to loose weight (To try and help the fertility issues) that I am constantly thinking about weight loss (and screwing that up too more often than not right now) that it is a vicious circle. Diet and exercise - baby- what if I do all this and it still doesn't work - fuck it- eat- fuck it- diet/ weightloss- baby - over and sodding over again.

I am going to start seeing a Councillor on the weight loss scheme I am on, its starts soon. I feel sorry for the therapist already!

I am very grateful for you taking the time to reply. It does help to express it a bit.

It does. I have been there and I know how infertility eats away at your very being. It sounds to me that you are developing unhealthy relationships with food. Well done on your weight loss to date - but you do need to explore this properly with your counsellor. Also, can you speak to your GP with regard to putting a plan in place regarding getting pregnant? I remember a few years ago the SMEP plan was all the rage - worth googling and trying to make sure you are hitting your peak fertility times. You may have to look down the route of assisted reproduction with PCOS, you may not, but there are many interventions up to and including IVF. You need to talk to your GP in terms of 6 months down the road, if this hasn't worked, I want to do this. Best of luck. My DD will be 6 this year. I don't know if she will ever have a sibling ( we are not ttc at the moment) but I know many people with that and more of an age gap and it works out fine in the end. Sometimes better than a smaller age gap as you aren't being pulled in different directions as much.

I had a lot of stuff investigated with the bleeding. The advice was to see if the metformin and weightloss regulated my cycles, then try for a bit longer then get a referral to the assisted conception clinic. BUT I don't really see the point in referral right now when they are just going to say loose more weight and then that I am not entitled to treatment as I already have a child.

The referral in itself will be a battle as when I first went to the doc about bleeding he did a blood test, said it didn't indicate anything sinister and would probably go away, wouldn't refer for investigation and wouldn't prescribe metformin as I "Wasn't entitled to help conceiving" (My main fear at the time was that I had something seriously wrong with me)

I eventually got a nurse to refer me. Went to a clinic where they basically screwed up every test they did (Failed to get appropriate samples) and tried to prescribe me stuff that would have made things worse (Also told me I needed gastric surgery - which I wasn't, even then, big enough to be entitled to). Then following a complaint I eventually saw a doc who was lovely and informed me that I was doing the right things and carried out all the appropriate tests - Which showed PCOS, which I already knew, but ruled out other stuff. She also said I could get a GP referral for secondary infertility investigations After another 9 or so months of trying. (Just need to convince unsympathetic GP)

So medically it is a long hard road to get not very far! I should be happy I now have normalish periods, except my heart sinks every time one arrives.

DD is 7. One of the silly things that worries me is that worries me isn't the possibility of an age gap it is that when DH and I are old/gone she will have too much to deal with on her own. And by failing to give her a sibling I am setting her up for a future that is harder than it needs to be. I KNOW that is unreasonable as there is no guarantee siblings would get on. I just love that kid SOOO much I don't want her to have to suffer an ounce more pain or hardship than she has to, even when I am not around to protect her.

Yeah, I worry about that too. It's hard, I don't want to burden my child with ailing parents on her own in later life but if I were to have another child now it would mean so much less attention for her, so many things I would no longer be able to do for/with her.

I know siblings that hate each other and who have made the death of a parent much harder on each other (Probate battles and all sorts) so I know its not necessarily a fix all solution.

I fear I am self sabotaging my weightloss. I am about 2.5 kg away from the self set target which I have said I will ask for the referral. That target is the BMI at which the clinic I want referral to will let you self fund treatment. Given that I have come this far (14kg lost) another 2.5 should not be that difficult. Yet today I ate MCDs... I am a muppet!

You have done so well - 14 kg lost, that's amazing! Don't beat yourself up about a mcd's. In fact, done deny yourself a mcd's. Allow yourself a treat once in a while and then weightless becomes bearable. It's not realistic to think you can live a life where you can never eat out again - be it a fancy meal or a dirty cheese burger. If you make good decisions with regard to food 95% of the time, you will be good. Mcd's on a regular basis will hurt. The odd treat won't.

The odd treats are becoming more of a habit. I know it is my fault and like I say I think I am self-sabotaging. Like a bit of me thinks that if there is still something I can do, that I am in control of, then getting pregnant is still in my control. My fear is that if I lose the weight and still don't conceive it is out of my control and I will have to admit defeat.

I am hoping the Councillor will help with that but I am not entirely sure that the Councillor will be equipt to sort out that much deep rooted rubbish.

I forgot how nice mumsnetters were with stuff like this it has been really useful putting it down. I am very grateful to you all. (Note to self- Stay away from AIBU and relationships for a while - you are not ready!)

It's good to get your thoughts out. Hopefully it'll help with your therapy too. Good luck on your journey.