How do I tell my friend I don't want to meet her new baby?

[Hope2409]

Hi everyone,
I am new here and just looking for a little advice. My husband and I have been ttc for over 3 years and are due to start our first round of IVF/ICSI in October this year.
Two of my close friends are pregnant, one is having her third child in December, in the time I have been ttc I will have seen her have two children and whilst I am happy for her I am also crazy jealous that in that time she will of had two more children and I can't even manage one.
My other friend is due her first child next week. Neither of them know about our struggle to conceive as we are quite private people and I just felt that they wouldn't understand. I have kept my distance during their pregnancies only seeing them every now and then as I found it difficult, we have mostly kept in contact over the phone.
However the one due next week keeps trying to arrange to meet up and I just know once the baby comes she will be expecting me to go round and right now the thought of it terrifies me. I really just don't want to see her baby......but how do I tell her that?! I don't want to be rude and certainly don't want to loose her as a friend but I'm not strong enough to be around her at the moment.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice would be much appreciated!!!
Xx

Just to add to Boas point, I am a really open person usually but this is the one time in my life where my trust in others has been eroded. You may feel fragile (and hormonal) and some careless comments might really hurt. I think if I'd really thoughtabout it I could have guessed who would respond badly i.e. the ones who always kind of struggle to relate emotionally and those who get pregnant without a thought (first monthers). Explaining infertility to the latter is like explaining foreign policy to Donald Trump- no understanding on any level!

Have been in your situation, seeing bumps and babies who I didn't even know.,
Felt heartbreaking..
Looking back after a lot of years of trying to create a mini me/hubbie(which did take 4 yyears) it was incredibly hard to see friends being pregnant/having babies..,
We were honest about it to our closest friends.
In a nutshell, when we did announce our pregnancy. One of my closest friends, then told me that she couldn't conceive!
I felt so bad.
How had she kept me strong throughout my complaints about wanting to be a mum?
You will be ok, they are your friends, tell them.. Because it's easier for them to k or before. Hoping it all works out for you x

It's a tricky situation. Amare & Boa make some good points. I'm very open with my friends about it being hard for me to meet their babies (I had a stillborn daughter nearly 2 years ago & multiple miscarriages since). Some friends have been absolutely amazing and understanding about it, and while we don't see each other much we do keep in touch and I am sure we will pick up our friendship again further down the line when I'm feeling a bit less bruised. Others have been frankly awful: generally making an enormous song and dance about how desperately uncomfortable it is for them to be so lucky and blessed in the face of my awful tragedy, it was so hard to tell me their happy news, they were so frightened of what I might say, it's all so very difficult for them to know how to handle me, etc. E.g. making it all about them, and also kind of making me feel guilty for blighting their happiness with my misfortune. It took way too much out of me, in my grief, to be around those people. I imagine they are terribly puzzled and wonder why - but their behaviour made it clear to me that I'd only get more guilt-inducing victimy stuff from them if I tried to explain.

You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position by telling people what's going on with you; in some friendships being vulnerable brings you closer, and that is a wonderful thing. In others it will bring out some really unpleasant sides to people. The only way to know what will happen is to try.

For posters who have said 'I struggled to have a baby but when my turn came, my friends were happy for me' - that's great. But not everyone's turn comes. It is not a given that everyone who wants a child will have one. It gets harder and harder to celebrate others' happiness as the years go by with nothing to show for it except loss and grief. Try to have a little understanding.

The best thing I did was be honest with my close family and friends about our struggles and how that makes me react to pregnancies and babies.
They have been so understanding and supportive- I honestly don't know why I left it so long!
If you don't feel you can do it face to face, an email/letter is a great suggestion for getting what you need to say out and giving your friends a chance to process it.
It's so hard but you are certainly not alone- I avoid babies and pregnant women at all costs! I'm waiting for our third round of IVF. X

Hi ladies, thank you to each and every one of you for your responses, i didn't expect to get so many and from such different perspectives, some have brought up things i had never even considered!
Both my friends have been quite open about their pregnancies, one seems to just have to look at her partner and falls pregnant and says none of her babies were planned and the other came off the pill and was pregnant within 4 months which she felt was a long time!!!! So i dont think that either of them have struggled but thats not to say they haven't so if i open up to them i might be suprised.

I think putting myself in a vulnerable position is what i'm afraid of as i feel fragile anyway, the whole struggling to concieve thing is so dam hard in so many ways but i have known both friends for a long time so need to trust that they will stick around and be as understanding as they can be. I guess if not they aren't the kind of friends i need around me at the moment anyway!

I really feel for those of you who have lost friends or had insensitive responses from them as its the one time you could really do with their support, i guess it shows everyone is different and sometimes you don't know until you try so i will brave it!

I will let you know how i get on xxx

I understand. My friend is on baby no.3 due next week and i haven't even had 1 yet. She knows about my ivf and i went to her baby shower the day before i started my jabs. She announced to all the people in her house i was starting ivf. So 15 strangers knew and i had to sit there all smiley as she opened all her gifts. It was so awkward. And i may need to keep my distance for a few weeks

I read a good bit of advice on here once which continues to help me, after 4 yrs of ttc.

Go and see the new baby. Hold it and cuddle it. Because it's not their baby you want, it's yours. So let them be happy about their baby.
Yours will come when it's ready for you.

thecatswhiskers horrific!

Thecatswhiskers that is awful, why would your friend do that to you! I don't blame you for keeping your distance for a while! Good luck with your IVF

I e-mailed my friends last night and told them about what's been going on with me, heard back today and they have both been really understanding, offering to be there for me whenever i need them and understand i may need to keep my distance at times. I don't know why i didn't tell them before really. I wouldn't of done it if it wasn't for everyones advice so thank you.

RoseBud good luck with your third round of IVF, its nice to know im not the only one who avoids pregnant women and babies at all costs too!

Xxc

Hope Glad it went ok and they have responded positively. I think if they are truly good friends thats exactly what you should expect. They won't "get it" unless they have experienced the same struggles themselves but they should be able to be supportive and understanding.

You are definitely not alone! I have friends whose babies are now over a year old who I haven't seen since they were born! I have friends who I used to keep in regular contact with via whatsapp and Facebook but I've had to remove them for my own sanity since they've got pregnant.
It's sad, but it's what infertility can do.

Good luck to you too- sounds like we will be on similar timeframes- I'm looking at October for a FET.

It was pretty horrific..she just treated it like a bit of gossip to tell.
Ihave had to unfollow friends on fb too as cant see post 10.times a day about theit bump and so on. I hate this feeling because its not me but i cant help being jealous x
I wish all u lovely ladies good luck with you ivf/fet etc. This is my first go and day 4 of stims

It is sad what infertility can do Rosebud your right and it can make you feel so bitter and jealous of people even strangers on the street but especially your friends and people close to you! But talking to you lovely ladies really helps!
I wanted to get started as soon as our funding got approved but we are going on holiday for our wedding anniversary mid september so cant start until we get back as they dont want me to fly once ive started the drugs!
Fingers crossed your FET will be in October Rosebud!

Thecatswhiskers i still can't get my head round what possed your friend to announce it to everyone like that, i understand that people who havent been through it can't get what its like but surely common sense tells you its very hard and its private! I really do feel for you!
I know what you mean its horrible feeling like that when its just not like you, i cry everytime i hear another pregnancy announcement i want to be pleased for them but it just makes me feel so sad.
What protocol are you on and how have you been getting on? I'm nervous about how i will react to the drugs and injecting myself!

Xx

Hi Hope. I know my friend can be a bit "out there" but i didnt think she would do that to me. I wont tell her anything again x
I know its a shame you have to wait to start but a holiday is a good idea before treatment. I went away few weeks before i started and helped me relax and feel as prepared as i can get.
Im on a long protocol. I started down reg end of july and stims on 8th Aug. It is really strange injecting yourself. It gets a bit easier but even now i still hesitate a bit and try a new spot on my belly if its a sore spot lol. Just keep thinking it will be worth it in the end x
If you can get someone else to do it for you. It may be easier? Not many side effects just a headache for 1-2 days but thats it so far x
I hope you have a lovely holiday x

Although it's tough (I've been there myself) you do need to be honest. You won't be able to avoid her without her realising you're avoiding her and she'll probably imagine all sorts of reasons.

My own experience is that people are unfailing kind and understanding once they know.

Thank you Catswhiskers! That's what they said at my last appointment about going on holiday, i asked if there was anything else we could do to prepare and they said yes enjoy your holiday!
It will be nice to get away for a bit.
I'm going to be on long protocol too, got nasal spray for down reg then injections but not sure which ones yet. I think i'm going to have to brave it and inject myself, my husband isn't great with needles, blood, etc.... thought he was going to pass out when i had my scan and he ran when the nurse came to take blood lol!
It will all be worth it in the end though so i'm up for trying anything!
That's good to hear that your side effects haven't been too bad so far, hopefully that will be it and you won't get anymore!
Xxx

Haha Hope. Sounds alot like my hubby
Yeah fingers crossed. I have a scan Monday to see how im getting on.
Have a fab holiday and hope the jabs wont b too tricky for you and no nasty side effects xx

Thank you, i hope your scan goes well on Monday xx