Fixing your marriage after failed IVF

[Zippybear]

So we've had 3failed rounds of ivf. Infertility on both sides. We got through 2.5 years of ttc without it affecting our relationship at all, 6 month of ivf hell and suddenly it all feels a bit weird. I know he's wonderful, I know I love him, but I just can't feel it right now. We've been at numerous weddings this summer, I used to love weddings, now I just watch the happy newlyweds with their whole lives in front of them and feel like a washed up failure of a couple. Has anyone got any hints of what to do to get the spark back?! If we have to be childless I at least want to get to be loved up forever!

I don't have any advice, but I know how hard a failed IVF can be on a relationship. I hope things improve quickly

Zippy 1st of all big hugs. I've been on the IVF train for 3.5 years now and have amazingly got a BFP on out 3rd IVF attempt last month but I know exactly how you feel.

Best thing me and DH did was take a break after the 2nd cycle failed. We had to force ourselves to stand back and take a year to enjoy ourselves and spend quality time with each other our friends family and his DD's. For 2.5 years previously it had been all about saving every penny, tracking cycles, Drs appointments and generally all I could think about was being a Mum. Don't get me wrong I didn't suddenly stop thinking this way but giving myself permission to just enjoy my life generally saved us, we were at braking point after the 2nd cycle failed. After a couple of months we opened up and started to talk more, the break really helped up get through this cycle with a healthy relationship. Hope this helps xxx

It's hard. All the time you are doing ivf you are at your peak of mental and emotional stress

After our 2nd uk cycles failed we took over a year out to decide whether to go again - whether we could afford it and yes we worked mentally and found the money (went abroad) and just try and find each other again - to have sex with no pressure

It's heartbreaking when fails and harder when friends get preg - either naturally or first NHS ivf as happened to one friend of mine

so be kind to yourself

Only you can decide whether to continue - if you do see if your clinic (or abroad) will do an era

4 failed private cycles but amazingly the 5th worked and very early weeks preg but can't believe it

Zippy, I had some counselling to help me recover from failed ivf. I found even a few short sessions helpful in letting me make peace with the change in direction of my life and to accept that I wouldn't have birth children. Up to that point I had felt stuck in a loop and like my marriage was pointless. It took time to remember the values and a sense of purpose we had before and to choose a new direction to follow.
There is life, hope, dreams beyond IVF, I promise you. It takes time to decide on what you want /need. For us, it helped us reevaluate what having a family meant to us and we went down a different route to achieve that. In many ways, I'm grateful my ivf failed because without it, I wouldn't have the family I now adore.

Thank you everyone, just what I needed to hear at the minute. We are definitely taking a long break and I'm starting to feel the benefit already, it just feels like a very long road back to the carefree people we once were. Glad to hear you all got there in the end. One thing that did scare me during our last cycle was that I did not feel in a good place mentally and to go from that stress straight into pregnancy/new born/sleepless nights seemed like a crazy idea. A good break and some time to heal is definitely in order.

Ivf is so all consuming. Add in the hormonal changes, high stakes and pressure to just give it one more shot - it's a total head fuck!
Take your time to get yourself to a strong, happy place then reevaluate what you want to do next.

Zippy I hear you completely. It's hard to think how you'll ever have lighthearted fun as a couple again. I found that the further out I was from IVF (only don it once, that was more than enough for my liking) the more I felt like myself again. For me, I've got to feel right in my body for other things to feel like they're working properly, and for such a long time after IVF (and all my failed pregnancies) I just didn't recognise myself. Then there would come a point where suddenly I felt I'd clicked back into place, and felt normal and 'me' again. That was really good.

Another thing that helps me when I'm in the doldrums about feeling like a barren withered up old hag is having my hair cut / getting a manicure / buying a new top (never trousers - bottom half fluctuates too much with hormones to make this a reliably uplifting experience). Something symbolic to show myself I'm taking care of myself.

We've thrown ourselves into moving house, and that's given us a lot of momentum (and stress - but the sort where it just takes a lot of effort to get somewhere nicer, not the kind of awful doom-laden stress of IVF) and something constructive and happy to work towards as a couple. It's helped focus us on the sort of future we want for ourselves.

The thing that's been hardest hit, for us, is our sex life. Bizarrely it was great when we were TTC. Even after our stillbirth it was a huge help to bonding and comforting one another and feeling strong together. But 2 years on, after IVF and several miscarriages, we're struggling. Lots of snuggles, but sex is largely functional, at ovulation times. I do hope that we'll feel a bit sexier as time goes on. I think it just takes so much time to right yourself. Hang in there.