Not being able to tell anyone - it's driving me loopy

[eggpoacher]

My DH is infertile and is having surgery to try and sort that out. It's obviously a pretty tense time for both of us - it's been a long journey here and the end is nowhere near in sight yet.
I'm very grateful to him for being so committed to us trying to have a baby, especially as at the moment he is the one having to have all the nasty stuff done to him. The problem is, he doesn't want to talk much about it, and he doesn't want me to talk to anyone about it either. We see a counsellor together once a month and that's it.
I'm very close to my mum and it kills me not to be able to tell her any of this. She can tell something big is up, as the whole thing has sent me into a pretty severe depression, but I have to pretend it's just work stress.
I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place - I don't want to betray my DH's confidence, but equally I want to be honest with my mum, and I need her support!
What on earth do I do?

Oh God, you poor thing That sounds so very stressful. Fingers crossed the op goes well - ouch.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. Could you just tell your Mum that you're ttc, and that it's really hard and stressful - without talking about exactly what is wrong with whose bits? In my experience people don't enquire that deeply - they might ask about treatment which you can address with a vague 'we're having treatment', again without sharing details.

That's probably no help at all, sorry! Good luck.

Please tell your mum. She will be thinking that you're dying of cancer or something equally terrible. I appreciate your DH's wishes but your poor mum....

Aw, thank you for your replies {smile]
It's really hard to be vague with my mum as we normally talk about everything. I just want to be able to call her from the hospital going "DH has been in theatre for two hours and I'm FREAKING OUT" but I'd feel terrible for going behind his back.
I already warned her years ago when we got married that she wasn't to expect grandchildren, but I worry that she thinks there's something terribly wrong with me or something. I haven't been able to go to work for months and it's understandably worrying her a lot (I'm an only child too).

I've obviously not got this thing down yet. Newbie here.

Well, maybe do tell her! If you're actually being seen for depression, that is serious and you should be able to share with your mum. Could you tell her the broad facts and then say DH preferred keeping the details private? If it was me, I would probably tell her secretly, without mentioning to DH either way, but maybe I'm sneaky that way.

I had a different dilemma - didn't want to tell my mum as she has dementia and I didn't want to distress her further. But I did tell her, and ended up feeling way better as a result. This stuff is hard enough without having to take a vow of omerta on top of it.

That's awfully hard Rebecca, I hope your mum took it in her stride. Are you still struggling?
I feel pathetic for not being able to work, but my job is quite a child-centred one and I'm the only one there without children, which just kills me!
I think I'll have to talk to my mum. I know it's my husband's body and it's not my place to tell others about it, but I'll find a way to avoid embarrassing him...I hope.

Would your DH be OK with you saying to your mum that you're really hoping there's a possibility of having children but without going into detail, it isn't straightforward?

My dh is also infertile. Our families are aware of our situation but only because they were all aware we were TTC. I do think if they hadn't know we were TTC that he wouldn't have wanted anyone to know.

I do think you need someone to talk to in this situation as it is hard to deal with. I think it's unfair of him to not want you to speak to your mum, especially as you have such a close relationship.

I'm here if you ever need to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are going through x

Personally I think you should tell your mum in confidence if you can trust her not to say anything.

Best
case is she is thinking one of you is ill (but why wouldn't you say) worse case is she's thinking your marriage is on the rocks, or he's done something to hurt you ( her resenting him). Mum's just know something isn't right they can feel it.

Telling will also mean she will understand why DH is sore etc after the op. And why you aren't yourself. You aren't going to be able to blame work forever she will start pushing you to job hunt.

This is such a hard situation especially as it's impacting your life.

I would spend the counselling sessions focusing on this. My DH wanted to me to be private on this. It was horrible for me, I'm very very open on everything especially with my mum. Eventually I told her we were both having problems. I didn't tell her when I had IVF though. Now I'm glad I didn't. For me it's important that this is our thing, it's a union just between me and him.
I just listened to a drama on radio 4 about a man who is infertile, it was heartbreaking. I think he has a right to privacy. Fertility is so tired into masculinity (very unfair but true)

Hi Egg - just to reply to your question, yes Mum did take it in her stride, exactly that. To be honest, after 3 years of marriage even she in her foggy state could tell there was something up as no pregnancy. She appreciated me telling her. And yes we're still trying ... IVF for us next. I hope it works out for you and as PP said, do talk to whoever you need to - you need support right now.

Sorry to hear that Rebecca - best of luck for your IVF, I really hope it works for you. And for you too, MrsH and blue. It's such a hard place to be in
I know it's extra hard when people expect a pregnancy from you and nothing happens. We don't get any of that - my family assume I'm not the maternal type, and people actually say to me "aren't you glad you don't have to do all that" because I married an older man. But that is kind of heartbreaking in its own way because the clock is ticking even louder.

I would recommend telling your mum. As others have said, you can do it in a vague/ tactful way so as not to tell all details, but it will really help your state of mind. I hadn't told my parents anything about our 3 years of struggling, then after a recent miscarriage I did and it has helped immensely. My counsellor says that (certainly in my case!) men and women often deal with this differently. It helps me to talk about it but my DH does not want to. He hasn't told his mum or anyone, but doesn't mind that I have told my family and some friends. He understands that it helps me. Can you explain that to your DH? That you won't be discussing intimate details with all and sundry but that talking it through with your mum would provide you with some support.

And sorry to hear you're going through this!

Thank you kiwi. I think DH understands my need for support, but he doesn't get the relationship I have with my parents. He would never talk about anything personal with his, and they would freak out if he tried!
He's really scared about having it done, bless him.

Talk to your mum. It's unreasonale of him to tell you not to. It's clearly sending you a bit potty. As you say, he doesn't really understand your relstionship but keeping it secret is putting a strain on you and your relationships with your parents, and him.

Hi egg, we are in a similar situation. We also have MFI but I'm the one who doesn't want to say anything. Not to my friends, mum and certainly not my MIL . I don't think he's being unreasonable, he just has different way of dealing with it.
I'm not even sure why i dont want to tell people, if it's a control thing or the unwanted sympathy or advice but with all the goodwill in the world my MIL wouldn't be able to take a back seat. Unfortunately that wouldn't help me.
It sounds like he's going through a really bad time. I wonder if you approach him after his op and tell him how you feel, that there can be a compromise? I would tell him though, even if you was gonna tell your mum. I would feel so much more hurt if it was done behind my back. Good luck egg.

Thank you lovely, and good luck to you too. Sorry to hear about your troubles x

Im the one with the issue and if dh told anyone i would leave and im not joking. I understand you need someone to talk to but please think carefully.