Childless but not Childfree

[bananafish81]

Was wondering if anyone else felt in limbo?

I'm 34 and most of my friends have at least one child now

Most of their social lives now, unsurprisingly, revolve around their children - NCT get togethers, kids' friends' birthday parties, playdates etc

I have been completely open about my infertility and miscarriage, and their support has been overwhelming

But the fact is, they're part of a club of which I can't become a member

And it hurts. They do try to include me, but there's nothing like rocking up on your own to a kids' party to make you feel like a barren old spinster / paedo

And most of my RL friends who don't have kids are living wild and crazy lives without kids, and of course we're not drinking alcohol, caffeine, not doing mad booze fuelled nights out on the town etc.

We're in limbo, childless but not child free

So I find myself excluding myself, and withdrawing and hiding myself away.

The only people I find I wanted to talk to after the miscarriage (and still do - it's only 3 weeks so very new and raw) are other infertile women

I feel like I have NO chat any more. I have nothing of any interest to say The only thing in my life of late has been IVF, cancelled IVF, IVF, pregnancy, miscarriage. And to be brutally honest, that's sort of fine, because at least talking to other infertile women makes me feel less alone.

I don't WANT to have a break from TTC, because I find the in between bits between tx the hardest bits - I just want to push on through with Project Baby.

But wondered if anyone else felt like they were in limbo between 2 worlds? (does that make infertility world like Middle Earth?!!)

Thanks Tammy, I think I will join gateway women and try to get some sort of social life back together!

I just wanted to chime in and say I could have written any number of your posts! I hate the limbo I am in. People say to me that I should enjoy my child free time but in reality when you are going through cycles and the aftermath there isn't a lot of time or brain space to enjoy oneself.
My Career and work decisions are made on a theoretical chance of pregnancy too which is also really frustrating.
And all this time you feel so alone. My counsellor says it's a bereavement with no outward sign or end as the efforts to get pregnant can span quite a few years.. So tough isn't it?

Mindfulness course signup complete, I start next Monday. I had to sign a contract agreeing to practice mindfulness for one hour a day, every day, for eight weeks. We're also about to start dtd every other day on the off chance that this final cycle of clomid actually works for me. The instructor said, 'If you don't like mindful sitting, try mindful walking or mindful stretching'. I was tempted to ask 'What about mindful sex?'

DIY project started. Our bedroom wall now has 9 big different splodges of colour. Once we decide what we're painting it, we need to take apart all of DH's lovingly hand carpentered furniture, find someone to safely store it I suspect it will get the spare room and I'll get the sofa, replaster and paint. That should kill any spare time not taken up by sex, mindfulness, work or sleep for at least 4 weekends!

Banana can I predict that you're type A personality (if you believe that stuff)? If so, snap again. I found this blog fascinating: theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/infertility-treatment-and-type.html

Wave to everyone else. While I hate that you're also in crapland (nice word Milzilla!) reading your posts this evening made me feel a bit better.

Banana yeah no idea whether gluten free/ anti inflammatory diets do anything but suppose it can't hurt and makes you feel at least like you're giving it your best chance. It was the nutritionist at Zita West who advised me to try it as I mentioned I get bloating from eating bread etc. Apparently there's a theory that this reaction is linked to immune responses. Might be total nonsense but definitely felt loads healthier while I was doing it, which can only be a good thing during IVF!

Yes it's the headspace app I'm doing, mainly on the train on the way to work in the morning! It's great - I arrive at work feeling all zen having spent ten minutes blocking out both infertility and angry commuters. Love it.

Robber my house is more or less one big diy project! It's great for taking your mind off it but also a bit rubbish as we're now out of money to spend on the house (saving for IVF). So lots more diy for me then! Good luck with your bedroom!

Hello to everyone else! It's nice to know we're not alone feeling like this but also rubbish that we're all in the situation in the first place.

Hi all can I join here too please? I agree with pretty much everything you guys have said. I am trying to plan something for each month in order to have something to look forward to. I need something else for April now!

MrsDarcy I'm with you on 'hiding' the crappy feelings from Mr D. I am the same, we have MFI too and he feels so bad as it is, I just think having to comfort me makes him feel worse and I don't want that. I have lost it and cried my eyes out recently (about 2 weeks after our BFN and our consultant not being very optimistic!) and Mr Meh was great but I felt like I had to reign it in otherwise he'll feel worse. It's a shit situation.

Amara my best friend said something similar to me - that I should enjoy my child free time (as if i was just starting to ttc and was being neurotic over it). Thankfully she said this over email, I'd have probably slapped her if she was near me when saying that. I managed to not reply with FUCK OFF. Instead I was diplomatic and told her there is no joy when you have to pump yourself full of drugs and have god knows what shoved up your ladyparts and it's all for nothing. I also told her never to say that to someone struggling to have children.

I have also found myself withdrawing from my best friend, I don't want to know about her little boy, which is awful I suppose but I just don't care. I will be seeing her in June so that will be fun(!). Thankfully I'll be with my sister and cousin so have an excuse not to spend too much time with her.

Sometimes, I wish we had been told that we couldn't ever have children, it would have been easier in the sense that we could have moved on - not been in this crappy limbo and we could have tried to move on. This is awful being in limbo and having what could essentially be false hope.

Meh I am with you on the withdrawing front. My best friend told me on the other day that she is pregnant with her second. She suffered infertility with her first so I feel a bitch not feeling over the moon for her when instead I just feel lost - she was the only person I could speak to IRL who knew what I was going through and I feel like I have to stop confiding in her now

Thanks all for joining me in my moany childless barren rant - it’s a club you don’t ever want anyone else to be a member of, but it means a lot when you speak to other members of the same club

Infertility as like a bereavement is something I’ve discussed with my counsellor too. After my Mum died, we grieved, and still do, but there was a finality and a certainty to it. She died, it’s sad, but we know she’s not coming back, and we have to accept it and move on with our lives. There’s that thing about stages of grief, anger / denial / acceptance etc. The thing with infertility is that it’s the uncertainty that’s the killer. Unless you get your tubes tied or go on long term contraception, even if you decide to ‘stop trying’, you’re never going to lose hope that maybe you’ll be one of those ‘we stopped trying and boom, we got pregnant’ people. So you never move past the stages because you're in perpetual limboland...

This TED talk about infertility really spoke to me, I think you guys might find it pretty familiar too

Basically pretty much everything you’ve all written hits the nail on the head for me. Withdrawing? Yes. Trying to find other stuff to create meaning in my life beyond trying to un-barren-myself? Yes. Although right now I’m technically not barren as over 3 weeks post ERPC, my body still hasn’t clocked I’m not pregnant any more. Blazing BFPs, boobs still look pregnant - will see consultant for follow up on Mon and he will do a scan and blood test, as hCG levels should have fallen by 4 weeks. I’m actually desperate to see a BFN as the BFPs are just taunting me. Oh, the irony!

Ps: robber - yep, yep and yep, on the type A. I’m exactly that - it’s ‘I’m gonna be the best goddamn infertile there is’. And yes - never have I tried so hard at getting nowhere. It’s the trying that is so trying!

Hugs to you all

Hi All,

I haven't got to the avoiding seeing pregnant friends stage yet but I am massively reducing the amount I speak to them and wanting to cancel all plans but then other half convinces me that isn't fair.

I am so happy to see this thread and that i am not alone in feeling like a massive b*tch, although i am very sad to see so many people feeling this way too.

My plan is stay busy, stay distracted but most days i just want to lay in bed and cry. Especially when the group whats app messages start going to announce another pregnancy and then the 'whose next' conversations start.

I too have pregnant friends or family (17 in the time we have been ttc)everywhere i look, my sister is pregnant too and i find myself so annoyed with them when they announce 'it was an accident' or 'first month of trying'.

Some times i feel like thats it i will cut out everything fun and good and just be super healthy and then others i just think will it actually make a difference?! or will it just make me more miserable!

Have all my friends with children who know we have been ttc saying 'it will happen', 'at least you have your holiday and house to look forward to', 'enjoy your time together and your lie ins' and i just want to scream at them saying i would give anything up for a baby!! But obviously i don't.

I really am sorry to hear about all of your stories and hope that you have success soon!

Broodykingy, you're not a bitch at all. Re seeing pregnant friends, you need to put yourself and your own feelings first. If you feel like seeing them, that's great. However, remember that you're very vulnerable and in a lot of pain. Do not feel that you have to put yourself through difficult and upsetting experiences just because you feel you 'should'. Sometimes you need to protect yourself. There's a huge amount of pressure on women to be cheerleaders for each other at all costs, especially when it comes to baby related stuff. Sometimes it just doesn't work out like that and that's ok

Thanks Lottapianos, it's so nice to hear that from someone. My other half tries to understand and I know it's upsetting for him too but he doesn't quite understand the way I feel. Think I need to take your advice and take a step back from things

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy weekend! I'm off to see my best friend in London for a very child unfriendly weekend - sushi restaurants, cocktail bars, swanky coffee shops, hushed galleries - leaving DH to contemplate the DIY project. I hope you all have similarly fun things planned

Have a fab weekend Robber - I hope you're going to wear heels and something cream to complete things!

Awesome Robber - we order you to have some fabulous cocktails on our behalf. I should say something banana flavoured but that cocktail would be vile. So something suitably tropical I reckon

Sounds fab!! Have an amazing time! Having fun seeing (mainly) Non pregnant friends this weekend, just praying for no unexpected announcements!!

I'm DRUNK!!!!!! I haven't had a drink since Christmas and tonight I've been out with my friend for tea and we got drunk!! I've missed this!!

I've even had a cigarette and I quit smoking years ago. Feeling like a bad ass! Gonna regret that I. Morning!

I'm in too but also single so never even get the "so are you trying question" also have a disability which means never get the "better find yourself a man" comments either. People assume it's so unlikely to happen they can't even talk about it. I agree u likely but means I never ever even get the chance to discuss it with famuly or friends because it's to far off their radar. But just joined gateway woman too so am trying actively do start a healing something.

ooblimey nice work missus! It's bloody brilliant to let your hair down and if anyone deserves to get on it, you definitely do

Hope the head isn't too bad in the morning!!

I know this thread it old but came across. I feel everything on here. How is everyone getting on? xx

Hi @LAURAPAX , I've reverted back to my old username to respond!
Well it was quite weird reading my posts on this thread!
6 years later I'm still childless. We had 6 MC over the years. At the age of 40 we decided to draw a line under it and stop trying. It was hard. But you know what? We got through it. I'm now 43 and life is good! I have disposable income, all of my friends kids are older so I see a lot more of my friends again as their kids become more dependent, plus I find it much easier being around older kids.

Life doesn't always turn out as you'd hoped, but I had a choice. I could wallow in self pity or I could say, right, enough is enough and crack on with a different than planned , but still good life!

We got a dog, we go to nice places, we have a nice time together, we are fun auntie and uncle who spoil our nieces and nephews rotten and had them back at the end of the day! 😁

I'm sorry you're going through the rubbish stage, I understand completely how rubbish it is. Be reassured there is life at the other end, whatever happens. Wishing you all the best x

Its so lovely there is life after infertility.

Did you ever get to the bottom of your miscarriages?