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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Who do you tell?

14 replies

ChampagneTastes · 06/12/2015 14:59

I'm in the middle of ICIS at the moment. My immediate boss knows what is happening, the big boss and the person who sorts out cover. A few friends know that we have been thinking about taking this route but don't know we're doing it now. I bumped into a colleague at the clinic so she knows too.

None of our family know except that my sister is aware we were discussing it.

What does everyone else do? I'm just curious really. I really want to talk to someone about it but I don't want to have to face them if it goes wrong!

OP posts:

Pipbin · 06/12/2015 15:13

I talked to everyone. I'm lucky because all my colleagues were really supportive. I didn't want to make a secret of it. I am a teacher and that job needs you to be emotionally focused. I would hate to be struggling and not be able to tell someone why.

I found that people did a few things. Some wanted to ask questions about how it all worked etc. Some gave you that story of their friends sisters hairdresser who got pregnant just after they had their IVF appointment and some just pretended it wasn't happening. Many people told me the stories of their own struggles to conceive.

It is an odd thins to tell people. I would start by 'well you know we are having IVF at the moment.....' and they'd say 'no', and then I'd say something like 'well thats why I was off last Tuesday, can you fill me in on the gossip/meeting/plan' etc. Tell a few people and word spreads.

Original poster

ChampagneTastes · 06/12/2015 15:18

Yeah, I'm a teacher too. I'm not massively keen on "word spreading" at school. Although I think my slightly erratic behaviour has probably been noted!

I'm more thinking about people close to me but I don't think I could bear having the "it didn't work" or, even worse "we lost it" conversation with them later on.

OP posts:

Pipbin · 06/12/2015 16:06

I had two 'it didn't work's and one 'we lost it', fortunately management sent an email to all staff explaining what happened when we lost as I was 13 weeks by that point, which I really appreciated so I didn't have to have the conversation.

Original poster

ChampagneTastes · 06/12/2015 16:09

God I'm sorry Pipbin that's awful.

OP posts:

Pipbin · 06/12/2015 18:30

Thanks, but it's fine now.

That's why I was glad that everyone knew, so everyone understood.

IHazANewName · 06/12/2015 19:15

Hi Champagne, I've told most of my friends and my colleagues know but my family don't know apart from my sister and cousin. I ended up telling people because I needed someone to talk to...we have MFI and so talking to my husband makes him feel bad and I don't want to do that.

I've had some really stupid and insensitive comments but on the whole everyone has been great. One colleague in particular has been amazing, she's just listened to me whine/rant etc!

I do sometimes think about what happens if it doesn't work...but I've basically been telling everyone I don't think treatment will work so I'm covered. Heh. Treatment hopefully starts in Jan so will see what happens.

Original poster

ChampagneTastes · 06/12/2015 20:55

The thing is, once you've told people, they will expect to be kept updated won't they? Plus, it's not just my issue. My DH is quite a reserved person at the best of times and I don't feel right about telling other people about our issues (which are on both sides).

OP posts:

Pipbin · 06/12/2015 21:04

I found that I told people the time scale, egg collection date, embryo transfer date, etc and then they knew not to ask much after that.

scoobyloobyloo · 06/12/2015 21:06

We tell everyone. It's hard to explain all the time off otherwise and the 5 weeks I went to live in London to get knocked up! I like having the support of everyone but I am a very open person, as is dh. I have had 2 losses and had massive amounts of support at work because of it. I think if you like to talk about things becAuse it makes you feel better, then telling people is a good idea.

IHazANewName · 06/12/2015 22:04

What scoobylooby said, I'm an open person - sometimes to my detriment! Tbh, no one has asked me about the treatment in terms of updates! My colleagues knew when I was supposed to start but then we ended up pushing the start date back. Friends have asked a couple of times but since we pushed it back they don't ask anymore.

People seem to wait for me to volunteer information which is good!

Phineyj · 06/12/2015 22:11

I didn't tell anyone at work (also a teacher) because I couldn't bear the thought of everyone knowing if it didn't work. I hadn't been there long though and just about managed the treatment without any noticeable time off as we already had frozen blastocysts.

maamalady · 06/12/2015 22:16

We told pretty much everyone. A friend/work colleague was pregnant just when we started TTC so she (and several other colleague-friends) knew all our woes right from the start. We didn't tell family about TTC until we had dates for starting IVF - it felt too close to home to have my mum know.

It was lovely to have all that support from friends, lots of hugs and gently-worded enquiries and corresponding elation when IVF worked. Also extra joy now I am pregnant again with a miraculous naturally conceived DC2 (seriously weird, the idea of being pregnant without a team of scientists involved).

There's only one person I regret telling - she's a lovely person and a great friend, but she just didn't get it, the stress and grief that goes with years of infertility. There were a lot of utterly thoughtless and hurtful comments, but I know she never meant to be upsetting.

So, it's good to have people know, but don't tell people who have form for being thoughtless or lacking in tact! Tell people who know each other too, so if you have bad news one can let the others know so you don't have to have the same painful conversation repeatedly.

Good luck with the ICSI :)

Hyland · 06/12/2015 23:02

evilgiraffe: I second that 'I regretted telling one sister but my other younger sister has been great'.

Unfortunately i don't have the option to tell work as partner works at same place and he's a pretty private person.

cheapredwine · 09/12/2015 11:46

I was similar to Scooby in that I was away in London for 6 weeks so we didn't have much option. We could have blatantly lied about why I was away, and indeed with some people we've kept it very vague or indeed not said anything much at all. But proper friends know, it just didn't feel right bullshitting some 'reason' and while far more people know than I'd like as a consequence, I know we have a lot of support and love, both openly and sort of more quietly too. We lost one of our twins recently just before 9 weeks, and that was hard, telling our closest friends. But we did it in our own time and people have been utterly lovely. There are a few people who I am desperately aware might or do have their own infertility battles, and that's very hard. I think we will tell them by text or email in a few weeks, if everything goes ok with the surviving baby. And no fucking way am I doing scan photo or any sort of grand announcement on FB or anywhere else.

Like evilgiraffe, there has been at least one person, a good friend, whose sometimes rather direct fucking insensitive questions could have done without. But I know it's not meant in the slightest bit nastily, and that she's rooting for us as much as anyone. She just can't relate in the slightest to infertility as she got pregnant first month with both hers.

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