About to start IVF - not really coping

[ChampagneTastes]

We already have DS who is now 3. I always assumed that we'd have two close together but aging ovaries and lazy sperm have prevented that. We start the IVF process in a couple of weeks and I'm not coping with the idea at all. I've been drinking excessively (a bottle of wine a night for the last few nights) which feels like self-sabotage. I am aware that this is not a good idea.

I think the main worries I have are about if it IS successful. I'm scared that we might have a second child and it will impact negatively on our DS. I'm scared they won't like each other because of the larger age gap. I'm afraid of the increased chance of illness or disability. I'm afraid that I'm too old and tired for a second. I'm afraid I want one for the wrong reasons. I'm afraid that the plans we started making (when we'd thought DC 2 would never happen) will never come to fruition. I am afraid of labour and the early weeks of a newborn.

Having said all that, I physically ache when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. When I see DS on his own I worry about his loneliness. When I see him playing with other children I can see how good a big brother he would be and how much he would benefit. And I just want to MEET my DC2.

DH I should add is keen but ultimately will do what I want (that sounds awful but he's a bit of a "what will be will be" type).

I do want to do this but I'm scared. Not sure how to cope and panicking that'll make the wrong decision for my family. I can't even begin to imagine what we do when it doesn't work.

Not really sure what I want from this thread but any shared stories or sympathy would be appreciated.

Put away the wine.

Talk to your DH, tell him you are scared and need some support.

Of course your children will love each other. The age gap is fine.

You'll cope with tiredness and late nights if you have to - we all do.

A naturally conceived child could be disabled or ill so set that aside.

You clearly do want a second child. You're just letting yourself get a bit overwhelmed.

IVF is hard because you don't want to let yourself get too hopeful in case it doesn't work - I've been there.

Look at it this way:

plan A - have DC2 build a life round family of 4

Plan b - stop at DC1 and build a different kind of life. Not necessarily worse - just different.

Perhaps you'll end up with a mixture of both plans.

If you want to try for this baby, and you seem to, don't waste the opportunity by self sabotage. If you are going to do it, commit to it.

In the meantime, no wine and a chat with your DH.

Thanks for responding. I know thw wine is not helping and it does feel likexself-sabotage. DH is a wonderful man in many ways but is difficult to talk to. He always says it's because he's an engineer. If I try to talk to him it tends to end up as a monologue from me without much feedback from him. He knows how much I've been drinking for example, but hasn't said anything, probably because he doesn't want a confrontation.

Everything you say seems emminently sensible but I seem to just be crying a lot.

Why not start with "DH I need a hug"?

Btw the engineer thing is nonsense. I just spent the weekend with lots of engineers- they could all express their emotions just fine.

Yes that would probably be sensible. I feel bad about imposing all my various neuroses on him as he has had a spectacularly hard time recently (everything much better now). Plus I would be entirely sympathetic to him if he threw up his arms in disbelief and said "but this was YOUR idea!". He would never say that but I would completely forgive him thinking it.

Truth be told, I feel ridiculous for feeling this way. First world problem really I know.

I know the engineer thing is rubbish but it's his go-to excuse.

Ok, go find a nice sensible friend to talk it through with you, give you a hug and a cup of tea.

But there's nothing wrong with being scared. I was desperate to have a child and I've never been so scared as egg collection day.

It was all fine btw.

Hi Champagne,

A couple of ideas: your clinic should have a specialist counselling service, and it sounds like you might well benefit from a non-judgemental ear who hears this kind of thing a lot, and might be able to help you sort your thoughts out?

Also, you're obviously having a wobble right now and feeling the time pressure. But you probably don't have to start in a couple of weeks. If it doesn't feel quite right for you, you could probably call the clinic and ask to start the month after instead, while you get your head around the idea in the meantime. Would that make you feel more comfortable? Would an extra month matter that much?

Are you scared of the IVF process itself? Because it's not necessarily awful. Some people find it worse than others for sure, personally I've found it generally OK. I don't think the drugs have affected me too much and you get kind of used to people staring up your chuff. The emotional side is not easy for sure. A big glass of wine is not really an option for emotional support while you're doing it. I've really, really, really wanted a drink quite often over the last month while I've been poking needles in my tummy and stressing about whether my IVF treatment will work this time (and what the hell I'll do if it doesn't). But although I am usually crap with willpower, I've not had a drink, and I bet you can do it too.

To be honest, I know that once I get started I won't drink (I had no problem with that in pregnancy and I often have dry months). It's just I should really have stopped in preparation and I know that I haven't because I am, as you say, using it a crutch. That stops now.

The counselling service sounds like a good idea.

As for being scared of IVF - weirdly, that's right at the bottom of my list of things I'm panicking about! I have a friend who has done it and found it ok (I realise that I might not be that lucky) and I was fortunate to have a pretty easy pregnancy the first time around. I AM a bit worried about labour as my first was a nightmare.

I really don't want to put anything off though because the age gap will just keep getting bigger.

3-4+ years is a great age gap, I used to have major fear about a 'big' gap which I now realise was not right, I had a miscarriage last year and if that had not happened would have had a 2.5 year gap, now my son is 3 he seems more interested in babies and a lot easier in general now he is nearly toilet trained and up for following instructions (occasionally!), don't need to pick him up anymore etc - I think the potential stress of IVF\ being pregnant will be much easier with a 3-4+ year old and your DS will be much more aware of what is happening and able to share things with you more, maybe watch Baby Jake on CBeebies for inspiration - looks to be about 5 years between baby Jake and his big brother. Obviously wish I hadnt lost my pregnancy last year but I can see the benefits of it hopefully happening later on very clearly now. The feeling of it being a race against the clock really added to the upset about it. I met a woman with a 4 year gap a while back and she obviously had hoped it would have happened much sooner but had ended up being very happy with the gap as it meant she had more 1:1 time with her 2nd.

April very sorry for your loss but thanks for your reassuring words. My sister and I have nearly six years between us and she clearly resented me when we were young. We built a bit of a relationship in our twenties but we're pretty distant now. I just don't want DS to hate his sibling although I guess that can happen regardless of age gap. You are right though, having a more independent child alongside will make life easier in the event that I do get pregnant.

I am having a Friday night without wine which is proving less of a challenge than I thought it might do!

First appointment is on Tuesday. Apparently I'll have a scan and we'll do all the paperwork: I understand it all happens pretty fast after that?

I wouldn't worry about the age gap, there is 21 months between me and my brother, we don't get along at all!

We're due to start in the next few months, either next week or jan I am so emotional at the moment God help me when I start on the injections! x

Me and my sister have big age gap (10 years) and, unfortunately, are not close.

Well I startd injections for ICIS today so wish me luck....

Champagne, hope the first injection went OK. Your feelings about a second child (or any child) are completely normal. I had IVF for my DD and when she was born I really worried that I had made a mistake. It was so difficult in the beginning (in terms of tiredness etc) and throughout the three years we had TTC her, I don't think I really thought about how hard it would be. I long for another baby and worry I will have the same feelings again. Do I really want another baby? Or do I just want to be pregnant again? Babies are life changing and its not a decision that is necessarily easy to make. But I love the joy my DD brings us and how complete she has made us and know that I just want to add to this with another baby. Sometimes I catastrophise things and maybe you do this a little bit too? I'm learning not to worry about EVERYTHING and just let each day be.

As for big age gap, there's 18 months between my older brother and me, 3 years between me and my little brother and 9 years between me and my little sister. All 4 of us get on like a house on fire, in particular my sister and I. The age gap makes no difference at all.

Good luck for your treatment!

Thank you! This is all very reassuring. Now that I've taken my first injection I have moved on to panicking that it won't work . You are spot on with the catatrophising!

May I ask u ladies how long after you sent the forms back did the process move. I hate waiting it's so so hard. Champagne I have many bro and sisters with varied age gaps and I love them all the same. It really doesn't matter honestly.

Champagne, very difficult to not have negative thoughts but try not to even think of the final outcome. Just think of each day. I tried to tell myself that I was doing all I could and what would be would be. I took the 2ww wait off work and did the Zeta West 2ww CD, was amazing for relaxing a bit each day. Maybe try you tubing meditation music and spend 20 mins a day doing it? I love all the mindfulness stuff that's popular now. Great for helping you not think of things.

Calcium, do you mean the hfea forms? Are you private or NHS? We went privately for treatment and took the forms with us to consultant's appt. She wanted a few more investigations but once everything was sorted it was a case of looking at my cycle and planning first injection.

Calcium - we're going private (NHS won't fund IVF if you already have a child) so it happened pretty much instantly.

Sunshine - that's a good idea. Although I might start out with a hot bath and a good book. :)