Why do people think it's okay to ask?!

[MagpieCursedTea]

DS (who was conceived after 3 cycles of clomid) has just turned 2. I feel extremely lucky to have him. We've been trying for number 2 for almost a year now and no luck. I'm waiting to start clomid again but on day 80 something of my cycle and no sign of AF. It's becoming all consuming again which I was hoping to avoid this time round.
Why do people think it's okay to continually ask me when we're having number 2? Not everyone knows about our fertility issues obviously but even those that do have started asking! I just don't know what to say. I tend to mumble or shrug then change the subject. I'm desperate for another and it's just a sad reminder when people ask. What am I supposed to say?
We used to get similar questions before we had DS and I didn't get any better at handling it.
I think I just needed a bit of a rant. Anyone else feel the same? Any tips for responding?

Yeah it's shit. People are rude, or they have no idea about infertility so they assume that it's your choice that you haven't had another. I have a 9 month old via ivf- I'm very lucky to have him which I know, but I really want a sibling for him. Unfortunately i have no idea if this will be possible or not due to my low amh. In already prepping myself for the "when are u having another?" from other people and have already been asked to be honest. I've decided that my response is going to be that I would love one, but that we don't always get what we want, or that it was difficult the first time so I'm not sure. My view is that if people are nosey enough to ask, then you shouldnt have to worry about upsetting them with the truth!!

Also I understand the "all consuming" bit- I promised myself last time that I would be more relaxed about the prospect of a sibling, but i have already broken my own promise and have been obsessing away!

I promised myself I'd be more relaxed this time round too. I managed for a while but it all starts to creep back in doesn't it?

Yep it sure does. Ironic really that I responded to this thread today as my SIL just announced that she's pregnant again- after 1 month of trying. I'm gutted. Not because I wish them I'll, but because it seems so unfair. Her and her new husband already have 4 children between them, and here I am probably unable to give my only child a sibling

When you're a couple - people ask when the patter of tiny feet will be happening (because you can't be childless surely?)

When you have one child, people ask when the next one's due (because you surely don't want an only child?)

When you already have 2 children, and they are both the same sex, you get asked if you're going to try for the boy/girl you don't have (because having the same sex children obviously makes you desperate for the gender you don't have)

When you already have a boy and a girl, and you get pregnant again, people ask if it's an accident (because why are you trying for more when you already have what you're supposed to have. The magical boy/girl - 2 children - that's it!)

People are rude. They don't for one moment consider infertility problems, miscarriage, stillbirth. They ask about age gaps (oo, that's big, or oh that's very close!) There is an opinion on everything.

OP - I am so happy that you have your DS, and wish you all the very best with your second. I'm so sorry I have no advice on the all consuming bit, as I am a complete all consuming nightmare when it comes to TTC, and relaxing isn't easy.

Wishing you all the best and hope it's a BFP soon

I think that unless you have been on this side of it, you just don't get it. I know I didnt. We had our ds when I was 26. None of my school friends had children yet (still don't and I suspect at least one may now be silently struggling) - I remember on a couple of occasions nagging them to get on with it and join me in my smug Mummyness. If I could go back now and slap my smug self in the face I would! 4 years down the line and we have been ttc no2 for over 2 years I wouldn't dream of asking anyone such a personal question.

On a positive note (trying to see the positive in this) people have stopped asking me when we will have another. When ds was 1-2 I was asked constantly. Now he's a bit older I think people have worked out for themselves that we are probably struggling!

Chatty I get it, other people's announcements can be hard, not because we're not happy for them but because it's a reminder that we're struggling. for you.

Carrie you're right, there's always going to be a comment for every situation.

Closephine I'm sure we've all been insensitive without realising it. I guess one of the few positives of struggling with fertility is that it makes you more aware.

I'm finding it hard today but I am thankful for DS, I know in some ways I'm being ungrateful because I've been lucky enough to have my son. I really didn't want to end up in this place again, but when people ask me when I'm having another one, it's like being pushed back into that frame of mind. The one where all I think about is TTC. Does that make sense?

I'm always when I hear people asking other people if they are trying to have a baby. It's so spectacularly rude. I think plenty of people who haven't had fertility issues understand that it's not OK to ask.

I guess nearly everyone that does ask doesn't do it out of malice. Not that that makes it any less hurtful.

I've a couple of older friends who have no kids and I wouldn't dream of asking why.

After reading about a woman who did it on here, I used to say in a dead flat voice 'actually I'm barren' and then find a reason to walk off. I found it worked well and people soon stopped asking!

People are unimaginative - if theyve not had fertility issues themselves then many don't think of it.

If you can face it, I think it's best to respond with some version of the truth. Eg if someone asks if/when you're going to have another, say "we'd like to but it hasn't happened yet". That might make them think twice about asking others the same question... But depends how much you are ok with sharing.

The thing with saying that we'd like another but it hasn't happened yet, or anything that admits to us trying, is that I worry that people will just keep asking. I sometimes mumble something about it not always being that easy but if it never happens, I don't want to feel like people are waiting for it.