Trying for baby - husband behaviour challenging

[Bamboo4321]

2 years ago my husband and I were put on an NHS waiting list for IVF. My tests were inconclusive but his showed that he had a low sperm count (poor motility, shape etc). He was reluctant to believe this as he has a 12 yr old from prior relationship but refused to go back and have another test as the doctor suggested. Whilst waiting for IVF we got pregnant which was great and quite a surprise!

Now 2 yrs on I'm keen to have no2. He says he wants it too but I'm having real issues with his behaviour. We haven't been having loads of sex due to the demands of a toddler but have had sex several times around the right time of the month for probably 6 months this year and nothing has happened. I've tried ovulation tests which show I'm ovulating at the right time etc.

This evening I asked my husband if he would have another sperm test and he went nuts and refused. So I told him that if he wants to try to continue trying naturally my 'window' is now for the next 5-6 days (I never actually tell him when the right time is for the following reason...). He told me to f*ck off and said I was patronising him and didn't have a clue what I was talking about (?!?).

Does anyone else trying for a baby have these kind of issues with their partner? However I approach the subject he gets very aggressive and I just don't know how to progress things forward. His reaction is making me feel like he doesn't really want another child at all. Any thoughts/shared experiences much appreciated!!

I really have no advice or experience but I am at how he speaks to you. I am so sorry he is being so horrible to you.

He said what now?

He told you to FUCK OFF when you were discussing the future of your family??????

I am speechless.

Hi bamboo sorry to hear he is taking the possibility of low sperm count badly. I can't help much but can offer a little support, it took me 6 months at least to cajole dp into having a sa. It was made more difficult with the timing as it can only be done near us at 8.30 in a Monday morning which is not ideal with work. Eventually I managed to get him there but not without a lot of tears and the odd threat here and there that if he won't get tested I'll leave. I'm also in the IVF waiting list but the problems are all me. After explaining to him all of the invasive tests I've had to have and the massive lifestyle changes I had made and all I asked him to do was provide a sample and even ended up having to take it in for him. It wasn't helped by his job not going so well at the time. Perhaps your dp has some pressures at work which is making him less positive about trying again?

Have you asked him what his reservations are? Perhaps try to find out about any other pressures you mak not know about already like work or money as these can be a massive contributing factor. Also, perhaps when it comes to your next birthday or Xmas tell him that all you want for a gift is his sa results. I think that is what I'd resort to if it was me. And if he does buy anything refuse to accept it or open it until he gets his results. If he says he wants it too then hopefully you'll get there in the end.

We are 26 months into the process, including a miscarriage in August but now I'm very lucky as I decided about 6 months ago that it shouldn't be all down to me and if he won't help with the small things (which they are for men) all they have to do is supply a sample and dtd on the right dates, then we were over. I know you don't have that option as you already have dc. So now I send him the dates from my ovulation app each month and tell him he has to do his part if the deal. He seems pretty happy about it now.
I think what finally sorted him was when he managed to get a new job and I dragged him to my fertility appointments and after him seeing the emotional pain I was experiencing I think it finally made him realise how tough it is and he just needed to man up and do what he needed to do.

Also, I think that them not being sure if their sa will come back as normal seems to affect their masculinity, he is probably just terrified about finding out it may be lower than it could be.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you manage to convince him.

Hes got two children, so his sperm is obviously good enough. Im not really surprised if he doesnt want to have sex if you are so medical about it and desperate to blame his poor sperm. Hes already had the test, he obviously finds it sensitive, so why do another one? 6 months of trying is not a long time

If my husband EVER told me to fuck off, he'd swiftly be shown the door.

We've been trying for 3 years and 10 months, this month is first with drugs for ivf

My partners first sperm test several months ago was borderline and the recent anaylsis showed further reduced mobilty and everything had deteriorated to the point where we was recommended icsi rather than regular ivf.

So doing the test again does have its benefits.

My partner was only ok about having another test because the clinic suggested it before starting ivf.

Coming from them always sounds better.

When we suggest it probably does seem like we're blaming them but when the clinic sez its routine to do there own more up to date semen anaylisis, who can argue with that.

I was also made to have my internal scan again due to my last one being a year ago.

This showed that i had a small area of possible scarring (around 10%)

My partner definitely concentrated
on my results rather than his own but this probably made it easier for him to deal with, i didnt care lol as i got what i wanted which was the ivf.

I agree that 6 months isnt long and especially as the two of you have had a child together.

Maybe ask if him he's against the idea of taking vitamins, our clinic recommended my partner take selenium, zinc and carnitign tablets one a day. Make sure you tell him what you're doing to boost implantation and egg quality and then it will feel like a joint effort.

Then you may also feel me at ease that you're actively doing something and this will give you a few more months of trying in an upbeat fashion.

Maybe you could give up coffee/coke/chocolate to avoid caffeine products that could harm your chances, i wouldnt dream of asking my partner to give up all these but i have given them up for ivf.

He could then jn turn avoid tight boxers/pants and hot baths.

Good Luck

What a horrid situation and reaction.

Would you go private for fertility treatment, as if you do not or he would not support it then a SA is useless; plus no NHS funding for ICSI if have children already. If fertility issues are male then treatments affect him ( I've ICSI or semen extraction surgically if there is an issue, which is unlikely as you have a child) or donor sperm. Lower level treatments to improve sperm are all things such as no smoking, weight, diet, no saunas/jacuzzi etc.

Thank you for all your messages, it is really helpful to read about other people's experiences and advice.

OH has really changed his tune since his outburst last week - he came home from worth next day, gave me a hug and said he really wanted another child and we should try until Christmas then if nothing has happened, go to a private clinic for ivf...and yes, he'll have the dreaded test! He has even started taking vitamins with zinc etc this week as you mentioned Hyland...and happily increasing his intake of zinc-rich steak. It's not all bad! So fingers crossed.....

oh I'm so please for you

Men just need time to digest the info we give sometimes lol

Hope all goes well

When I booked our first private ivf consultation £230 the next appointment was 6 weeks away. we could have probably knocked that down to 4 weeks if we wasn't fussed which particular guy we saw.

Have you had a hysterosalpingogram known as HSG Scan/ or dye test. I got my gp to refer me to the hospital gynaecologist and then got them to agree to giving me this test to eliminate some problems. This test alone would have cost £500 at my ivf clinic!

Hi All! Just wondering if you can help or advice me on this infertility issue. My dh and I recently got our tests back from the GP and they came back saying my 21 days bloods were at 90 but my oh has a low sperm count, we have now been referred to St Barts fertility clinic. Does anybody have some info on what that the next steps or process is from here? We have been trying for 2 years now and im so down thinking that we could possibly wait for another 2 years until a BFP.. Thanks x

He could take supplements that may potentially improve sperm quality quantity.

For you the next steps are usually a scan to check womb and ovaries are normal in size n shape etc and a separate dye test HCG which flushes fluid through to check if your tubes are blocked. I hate to keep checking each month for this last test and it took over 5 months before i got a an available slot.

You could also ask for the amh blood test to check your egg reserve, maybe your gp will give you this.

Thanks Hyland! Yes i have ordered WellMan Conceive vitamins and also brought my dh some looser fitting boxer shorts! He has promised to do his share of eating more healthily so fingers crossed there will be some improvement soon.

5 months!??! Thats crazy and quiet upsetting if im honest. I can see that it is going to be another long road of 2 years + before we get anything sorted!

protein in his diet is really important to enable the sperm to burrow into the egg i read and zinc and selenium tablets is what we was recommended by our ivf clinic.

If u go private they will charge £500 for the dye test but at least u wont have to wait to be seen.

Ask your gp to be referred for the other test and push every step of the way.

I didn't push enough

Thanks so much for the help. I'm still waiting on the initial referral letter so once I have that I can start to get things in motion. Having had a look online it seems we will prob need ICSI or IVF.. Quiet invasive and not what I'd wished for my 1st conception (or any at that) but I will defo do anything to complete our family.

What's your story? Are you currently going through treatment still? X

I just took my trigger injection tonight in fact which is the last injection to mature the follicules.

Drug free day tomorrow and egg collection Wednesday.

First time doing the ivf process (private) as i have a teenage daughter who is 13 from previous relationship.

I'm 36 and we have been trying for 4 years next month.

No hot baths or saunas for men is another tip.

I don't really see the process has being invasive, regards to the drugs.

The internal scan is something i wish i didn't have to do.

Not looking forward to the wait after the embryo transfer, imagine it will be torture.

I can see how people get stressed if they hardly have any follicles and like me get stressed coz i had over 20 and worry when i get told i keep recruiting new ones rather than growing what i have already :(

Quality is better than quantity i have read alot on here.

I hope that the ones i have dont over cook or degenerate.

The more i read the more i understand what can go wrong lol

Yes! That's the problem with the Internet, there is so much info out there that you either get your hopes up or start to feel disheartened!

Wish you all the best!

I am sorry you experienced such behavior. He might be unpleasant cause of other troubles (e.g.work) and might feel sorry afterwards. Make another go to talk in more relaxed atmosphere, it does not help, ask openly what the problem is.