To not proceed with treatment

[Suncrush]

Hubs and I have been ttc for almost 2 years. We would love kids but we are not that couple that need kids. We have a wonderful life together and spend our free time from our stressy jobs trying to travel as much of the world as possible.

I had my bloods done and they were satisfactory. Hubs got his SA done and it was poor. Number and motility. We are awaiting the results for the second SA. If they are the same then gp said its off to the fertility clinic as we will need help.

Hubs and I had a long chat tonight and as much as we would love kids, I love him more and would rather spend my days with him and perhaps not going down a route where I might resent him and we still don't get a baby. Maybe it's the shock of it all I'm not sure.

Has anyone else felt like this!

I have spent the last four years consumed by infertility and just finally had IVF success on my 11th attempt. We too had male factor infertility with the morphology being 100% abnormal. I have been on here constantly for support in that time and I must say that all the women I chat to are quite depressed by their situation. My heart goes out to them as I too was in that situation and know how heartbroken I was. So I must say I really feel relieved for you if you are one of the few (the only one I've met) that actually doesn't feel that way and are happy being able to travel the world and just enjoy being in love with your hubby.

For me, even without the treatment I felt a sense of resentment towards my husband when I was so desperate for a baby. So I find it interesting that you mention not wanting to seek treatment where you might resent hubby if the treatment fails. Would you not perhaps feel that way anyway when you hit 40ish and the chance is over, and then not have the chance to seek treatment to remedy that resentment. For me, IVF was the only way to resolve the resentment rather than your theory that IVF will cause it. I guess it's a question only you can answer. I wish you all the best and a world of happiness whatever you decide.

Hi suncrush - I felt much like you.

We'd been trying for 2+ years, and had unexplained infertility. I was not keen on IVF at all. I've never been particularly maternal and would have been perfectly happy in our lovely house, having expensive holidays and getting more cats looking after our cat.

My husband was more keen on being a dad than I was being a mum, and although he would have 100% supported my decision not to have IVF, we decided we'd have one roll of the dice. If it worked, great. If it didn't I had my eye on a cruise in South East Asia and a beautiful rag doll kitten

I'm now approaching 30 weeks pregnant. I actually felt as though my ambivalence about treatment is what stopped me going loopy during IVF. It was never the be all and end all for me as a woman, or for me and my husband as a couple.

Now that I am pregnant, the baby is the entire centre of my world and I can't wait to meet her.

It's a strange choice to have to make, isn't it? I think though if you were 100% set in your decision, you'd already be off planning your next holiday, so there must be some residual doubt. Is time on your side? Do you have to decide right now?

My situation is slightly similar although in my case it was a second child we were ttc so perhaps a little different, but I will share anyway.

It took thirteen months to conceive my ds, and at the point we had tests the first time my h was told that there might be a problem with him. GP said that he would need to have another test in three months, but that month I found out I was pregnant so we didn't go back.

Fast forward two years and we decided to ttc for another baby. In truth we figured it might take a year to conceive again so for the first year I was fairly blasay. However when nothing happened after a year we once again went back to the gp to see about tests. I had day3 etc tests and these came back normal. However my h again had a SA and this came back abnormal. He was told that although he wasn't infertile he had limited fertility and would need to seek further assessment/help.

At this point he decided that he didn't want to seek any further help, and resigned himself to being infertile. We did however talk about the possibility of having IVF or similar to try to conceive a second child, and my view was that it was very much a rollercoaster which once entered would be very difficult to get away from. What, for instance, would I do if I had more embrio's and didn't conceive the first time? could I destroy further embrio's if I'd only committed to one cycle etc? On balance I decided that it just wasn't a treatment route I wanted to go down, and so we decided that we would be glad of the ds we already had rather than put everything on the line for another one.

However at this point I didn't feel ready to absolutely give up. I held on to the thought that as I had managed to fall pg naturally once this might happen again. In fact I even thought that as I'd given up it was bound to happen, after all that's what always happens, isn't it? . It didn't happen, and after six years of not using any contraception etc I went away for a week, and suddenly realised that my life had moved on, and that the place for another child had passed. I came back and told my h that I was now at peace with no more babies, and that actually I didn't want to try any more, in fact I wanted to actively prevent being pregnant, and as such we went back to using contraception.

Tbh he was less on board with the idea than I was, but I figured that the age gap etc was now too big, and I also wanted to go back to work.

We are no longer together and I am in a new relationship. Had I been younger I might have liked to think of having a baby with dp, however I do think now that the time for babies has passed for me, and I don't even really have that urge to have a baby, given I would rather like to have some holidays and such now my ds is older.

If going through IVF and such isn't what you want then don't. There really is no right or wrong when it comes to these decisions, because what works for one doesn't for someone else and vice versa. And even if you're not totally overtaken with the idea of having a baby doesn't mean that not being able to have one doesn't hurt, but it may mean that you will find other things to fill that gap in your life.

And if things change in the next few years you can always change your mind and go down the assisted conception route if you want. But equally the time for babies may pass for you, as it did for me, and you may find yourself in a place in five, ten years time where the idea of having a baby is one you wouldn't want to contemplate...

Hi Suncrush

We're in exactly the same position as you and I'm really glad to have someone else mention this on this talk board.

My experience so far - even on here - is that, with the exception of a few other posters like Tootsie (hello!) you will get a LOT of people who can't quite understand that for some people, having a baby is not the biggest need of their life and that it is actually possible not to be sure, without either being a) evil or b) unworthy of being a parent.

My DH and I have been trying for 3 years and both have issues which make natural conception unlikely. What we've found fascinating is that we were referred for IVF without even being asked if we wanted it (the consultant literally signed a piece of paper in front of us and then said she'd referred us without asking us if that's the route we wanted to go down). We dutifully turned up at the clinic and had to explain to the next consultant that we really did want to talk through the pros and cons of our own situation with her so that we could decide. All we wanted was information so we could make a choice.

We also went for counselling - but the counsellor said that if we weren't sure then we were 'unusual' and that if I wasn't 100% sure then we shouldn't be trying at all. She said, and I quote "well I wouldn't bother if I were you." We then got home to an introductory letter from the service which said "we know you're only here because you want a baby." No. No. We're here because we really want to make the right decision about going forwards with IVF. We want to make an informed choice about a treatment that will have a big impact on our lives and may still have only a tiny chance of working.

In my experience so far, the system expects the woman to want a baby above all things. Male ambivalence seems to be taken as fine, sort of expected - but if you're the woman, if you're not 100% sure, there's something wrong. (Regardless of the fact that I'm sure that a lot of women who can't get pregnant naturally aren't 100% sure, but then they're not in the clinics or on the infertility talkboards).

As for me, my DH and I are also still trying to decide. I don't want him to resent me for not giving it a go, as he's more keen than me - I think. Conversely, I don't really want to go through IVF when the chances of it working are so low, and I'm pretty scared of the process. Whatever happens, we love each other hugely and don't want to hurt the other, resent the other now or in the future, and we're both utterly fed up that we're having to make such a huge, huge decision, when for other people, 'nature decides.' (We're also pretty skint, so all the big holidays and travel aren't an option for us, so we don't even get that treat to look forward to if it goes wrong - but that's another story. )

It's a huge, and horrible decision to take. Whatever happens, life has already changed now this decision is in it. We still don't know what to do, but are working through a) the sadness that we have to take the choice and b) trying to make a choice even though all the places to go for advice and help are also firmly implying that there is something wrong with me for being in this position and still having doubts.

I don't know how on earth we're supposed to make these decisions. Will the treatment work or not? Will we resent each other either way? Will the treatment be awful or OK? Will we regret the choice either way? Will a child come between us? Will a child be the best thing ever? Will our child be OK? Am I only unsure about it because it's self protection - ie why allow myself to want something I've been told I probably can't have? Why are men allowed to have more doubts than women? Why does even the hospital counsellor not seem to allow me to think through a choice?

I wish you the best of luck. I have no idea how DMs work on this thing but if you want to DM me I think we're in the same boat.

PS I found this article really useful as a talking point with my husband. It's a very rare one - very honest, very frank - some might say it's a bit callous, but I thought it was really refreshingly honest.

www.salon.com/2014/09/29/how_ivf_made_us_happily_child_free/

Thanks all. It was reassuring to read your posts. We are 28 so not staring down the barrel of 40 just yet. I wonder if it's just the shock really but I just don't know how to feel really. I do worry we don't give it a go and I hit 40+ and resent the hubs anyway.

Hello, we're similar in thr sense our failure to concieve is poor sperm motility and count. We both want children but we're not keen on going through Ivf to get them. We think it has too many unknown risks and too invasive. We've decided to go through the urology testing etc till were at the point of knowing if Ivf is the option on the table , it just gives us time to think. We won't rush into it. The first few months after the sa were awful and in total shock. It does take a while to sink in. We're now almost at the stage of knowing if we can have Ivf and can then decide how to proceed. Was shocked that it's not been an easy decision as we really do want children together but to what extent? We're not willing to risk our health. I don't no if that helps but you are not alone in how you feel and it may be such a shock. Sometimes feeling the way you do is an almost coping mechanism. I found counselling helpful.

I think there are many more women and couples out there for whom when it didn't work, they decided not to persue it. It's just that you don't tend to know (and, if they've moved on, may have replaced that desire for children with something else in their lives that makes people think they never wanted children in the first place). I can think of several couples like that.

Interestingly, they tended to 'out' when I said that despite trying for a baby for quite some time (ie when a doctor would have been a good idea), if it didn't work out, I wasn't interested in finding out why. We'd already planned our next few exciting holidays and I had my eye on definitelynotamumcar...

I'm lucky, and my story has a child at the ending, but I am still sure that I would have been happy with that alternative path. Maybe - as some of my friends are - wistful at the what ifs - but content. Having said that, having a child does not define me in the way it does some parents I know, and I imagine that attitude is related.

I agree with Jenijena that many couples choose not to pursue alternative methods of conception and do in fact live fulfilled lives even without children.

Tbh I think we have almost conditioned people into living a life of devastation over no children iyswim. Twenty years or so ago if you couldn't have children then there were very few options at your disposal, and people just got on with it. I certainly know people now who are of an older generation who never had children because they couldn't/it just never happened for them. They certainly lived rich fulfilled lives and although some say they would have liked to have had children they are a lot more resigned to the fact that it just wasn't meant to be.

This is IMO a far healthier attitude than people who become all-consumed with the need to have children, to the extent they will sacrifice everything for that slight possibility and often have nothing to show for it at the end of it all. Advances in medicine, while a positive thing, have also brought with them the expectation that having a baby is everyone's right and that it can happen whatever it takes. I'm not always sure that that is a good thing. Not to say that infertility isn't a bad thing, but that the availability of various solutions which still have a fairly low but existing success rate have almost certainly increased the level of angst and expectation over fertility.

The ability to come to terms with not having a baby is a very healthy place to be.

Re potential resentment of your dh, fwiw my ex is now expecting a baby with his new dp. How that happened is none of my business, but I suspect that it was simply a case of having low sperm count doesn't equal no sperm count and that it happened quite by chance. But at this stage all I can think is "bloody hell he's going to be nearly 42 when this baby is born, and 60 by the time it leaves school. Rather him than me."