IVF - is it worth it - next post on

[Viewofhedges]

Hi all. I posted a little while ago to ask people if they thought doing IVF was worth it and got some great responses. Thank you.

I'm now at the point where we've had our first consultant appt at the IVF clinic and got our final results back. It's not good news. I've an AMH level of 1 and DH's sperm aren't good so we'll have to have ICSI. One of my ovaries seems to have packed up but one of them had 10 egg sacks on it.

The consultant said that for my age the chances of success were normally 30%, but for my AMH result it would be more like 15%. I'll also have to be on the highest doses of meds - which is my worst nightmare.

I had a good cry after the meeting but interestingly not because of 'no kids' but just because it seems so unfair. It seems so unfair that we can't even do this relatively easily. (A lot of the rest of life is very, very tough at the moment.)

But the worst thing is that we now have a month to decide whether to do it or not (deadline from consultant - Dr says in 6 months it'll be game over). I just don't know what I think. To go through it all with such a tiny chance of success feels ludicrous and I wish they'd just say we can't. I think I'd be more at peace with that - now I feel I have to decide whether or not to go through this horrible process and still it prob won't work.

Will I regret it if I don't do it? Will I regret it if we DO do it, and it works? (I'm not the world's most maternal person and in the puppy / baby picture test I coo at the puppy.) I like my life. I don't need to have a child at all costs. I don't want to harm my marriage either by having one or not (DH would like one but said he chooses me over a baby) - basically I feel that this is an impossible choice.

We go for our first counselling session tomorrow. How did other MNers come to their decisions about whether or not to go for it? I just wish someone could crawl into my head and tell me the impossible - is having one / not having one / regretting not trying /going through a horrible process the biggest issue? I'm so confused. But my time has run out to decide.

Does anyone have any tips at all about how they wrangled their thoughts on this?

(By the way this is all written from 'me me me' perspective - husband is being brilliant, supportive, kind etc and has made it very clear that it's my body, and while he'd like a kid he choses me first and won't force me into anything - also confusing because if feels like I have final say and the last thing I want to do is disappoint him even if he'd never say I had. But I don't want to make the wrong choice and resent him/ have him resent me. We have a really strong marriage and I don't want a kid to spoil that - but would it be amazing? I DON'T KNOW! ARGH)

Hi Viewofhedges I'm sorry you're having to go through this and that the news wasn't great.

I hope the counselling session helps you if only to clear your thoughts and the same for your husband. It's a tough choice and I think you have to figure out if you want kids at all, the ICSI process becomes secondary if you don't want to have children. If you do want kids and ICSI is the only way for it to (potentially) happen, then a decision has been forced if you know what I mean? Better to regret things you have done than not etc...

Personally, I have always wanted kids, the only time I ever questioned it was during this whole infertility 'journey'. However, I think that was more about self preservation - protecting/preparing myself if we can't have children. I hate the idea of having to go through ICSI (we're due to have our nurse planning appt next week), it makes me so sad, but I want a child and if this gives us a chance I will do it - even if it means the cycle may fail.

I don't know if any of the above helps, but I am thinking of you

I cant help with the question about how we went about the decision because for us we knew instantly we had to do it, but wanted to share that I had an amh of 1.44, dh had poor sperm so we had icsi and were successful on our third go. I was on full strength meds but not sure that I particularly noticed. We used 'care' for our third go who were amazing - much better than our first two clinics (one private, one NHS).
It won't pretend it was easy though- I'm generally a dust myself off and get on with it kind of person which helped in a way but it was still the most traumatic thing I've ever done by far.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

2 failed private ivf attempts and will be doing a 3rd /last as im 42 when have the funds and a very flexible credit card

only you can say if you want to do it, but the fact you are questioning it means maybe you dont really want to be a mum

if you only have 15% chance would you use donor eggs?

Hi View - are you paying for your treatment? If so, is money an issue - is it something you can comfortably afford?

I felt somewhat like you. I'm 36, had never been particularly maternal, and most days prefer cats to children. I was scared of IVF, and the thought of it made my heart heavy. I was frightened of the drug regime, the needles, being a hormonal cow and the impact it all might have on my marriage.

A few things - I could quite happily have remained child free. I have a good job with a great salary, a nice house, amazing friends, and lovely holidays and a collection of beautiful Jimmy Choo shoes. But, although my husband would have supported my decision either way, I knew he wanted to be a dad and I felt I wanted to give him that opportunity.

During the IVF, I thought it stood me in good stead that I'd have been happy regardless of the outcome. If it didn't work, we'd have gone back to our nice lives and had planned a cruise by way of R&R. If it did work, great - I get to have a baby and be a mum and experience all the highs and lows that brings.

My tipping point, I think, would have been money. We agreed in advance what we could afford to lose, and we agreed how many attempts we would have. We did not want to get in to any debt at all. It turned out that I tolerated the drugs very well, and didn't have any side effects (although I did end up with mild OHSS after egg collection), so from that point of view, I'd have been happy to do it again had I needed to.

As it goes, our first round worked and I'm 29 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I still have moments where I wonder if I'll make a good mum, or I think about all the things we'll have to give up for a few years, but on the whole, I find my bump fascinating and am v much looking forward to meeting our little girl come November.

Lots of luck. It's a tough call and I hope counselling gives you some clarity.