My last embryo died before transfer this week

[PollysHoliday]

We suffer male infertility so I have had to go through IVF with donor sperm. It was a very hard fight for me to get as far as fertility treatment for many reasons. It was a pretty damaging period of my life and I think I became quite depressed as a result.

I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation during the first cycle so everything stopped, my eggs were frozen and I had to go through a frozen cycle a few months later. Two embryos were transferred but they didn't implant.

Several months after that I went through a second fresh cycle and a miracle happened, I got pregnant. I couldn't enjoy the first half of my pregnancy, I almost pretended I wasn't pregnant because I was so scared something would go wrong. The pregnancy was successful and I have a child I love with all my heart.

A second embryo was frozen. That embryo, my child's full sibling, has never left my thoughts and this summer I went through another frozen cycle.

I knew that there was only a 60% chance of the embryo surviving the defrosting process and I tried to believe that the embryo wouldn't survive. To protect myself from hurt. I also tried to believe that if the transfer took place the pregnancy test would be negative.

On the morning of the transfer the embryologist telephoned me to tell me the embryo hadn't survived. It hurt so much.

It turns out that no matter how pessimistic I tried to be I really had all the hopes and dreams that all women who are trying for a baby have. I don't need to list them, you know what they are.

So that's it. I will never have another baby. My child will be an only.

I am in a lot of pain and most of the world won't understand.

I don't care that my embryo was only a few divided cells. It was my baby and it died.

At the moment I resent everyone who has normal fertility. It feels so unfair, it is unfair. I read another thread this week about how hard would you try to have a child and the number of people who said that if they hadn't conceived by accident or easily they wouldn't have done anything because they weren't that bothered about becoming parents was infuriating.

I am so lucky to have the child I have and I feel guilty to be so devastated about not having a second because I know there will be women who will never be able to have one.

I've even had mad thoughts about starting from scratch again. But the donor would be different, which I think would be a big issue. And I could spend years chasing that dream and it still might not happen. I won't do it.

I know the pain will lessen with time but I will always feel I am missing something.

At some point I need to get rid of all the baby stuff I kept for my second. It's hanging around reminding me that it's useless to me, but when I let it go I will be saying goodbye to having a baby again.

[Shellster52]

Oh Polly, I hope work wasn't as bad as you dreaded and that it feels easier once the first day back is over with. You really do seem to be describing exactly how I felt when I suffered with secondary infertility for four years, seeing pregnant bellies everywhere and feeling resentment and not wanting to deal with certain people including family members who were having babies and I felt resentment. For me, it didn't get any easier and I know you say now that it's game over, but I just worry for you that it will be the same and that you will continue to feel this way and it won't get any easier, if my feelings are anything to go by. Perhaps if you find that the pain hasn't eased after some months, you might perhaps reconsider your decision that this is the end of fertility treatment rather than live your life feeling this way.

You say that you have male fertility issues, and I am sure you know your circumstances and that a baby with your husband is not possible, but I am curious what that diagnosis is if you are happy to share.

Feel free to rant away. We are here for you.