Can I ask a question please (hopefully not insensitive)

[SallyStarbuck]

I hope this is ok to ask here. I've asked questions like this on here before because everyone has been so helpful with advising me how to support my friend.

My friend will be starting her final round of IVF soon. She is understandably very down and struggling to come to terms with the possibility that it might not happen for them. She is coming to stay this weekend for a very long overdue catch up.

From other conversations about this I have had on MN I have been told that should I become pregnant again, not to tell her in person but to give her time and space to come to terms with the news, which I have really appreciated. However we are planning on TTC very soon. I think my friend will probably ask while we're together this weekend if we are planning on trying soon. I'm unsure whether I should tell her honestly that we are? She is (completely understandably) very sensitive at the moment and I am worried that if I say yes, while she is staying with me, she has nowhere to go to get space to think about this. I don't want to her put her in an awkward position. But if I say no, and I was fortunate to fall pregnant, would it feel to her that I had been lying and hiding things from her?

I hope it's ok to ask this. I am probably overthinking this but I just want to try and be as supportive as possible for her.

Speaking personally I think that you should be as honest and open as you can be. If you are lucky enough to become pregnant again please tell her when she is alone so that she can deal with her feelings without having to put on a brave face.

My third and final round of IVF was successful, however I lost the baby at 13 week. About 3 weeks later a work colleague who I was close to had the good grace to text me that she was pg and was going for her 12 week scan before telling anyone else. This gave me the chance to deal with it in my own time and put my brave face on before work and her coming in with scan pictures. I was incredibly grateful for her consideration.

My thought would be that if she asks then she is comfortable to talk about it. If she doesn't ask don't bring it up. I have to say that nothing is more annoying when you have spent years trying for someone to tell you that they are going to TTC and then end up pg within a couple of months.

Thank you for thinking of your friend and ultimately you know her and how she will react to things. Let her take the lead.

Thank you. I am worried about what you said - mentioning we might be trying (if she asks) and then announcing a pregnancy very quickly.

I won't mention a thing if she doesn't ask.

I'd say yes if she asks, definitely. She's probably on the alert generally for signs of pregnancy in friends so I would say the possibility that you might be TTC or already pregnant has very probably already crossed her mind.

And yes when you get pregnant, please don't tell her in person. I don't even like it when people ring me up to tell me. An email or text would be much better for me, then I can take some time to write a reply instead of just stammering 'oh, gosh, congratulations' and then getting off the phone as quick as possible before I start to cry.

Thank you for being considerate of your friend, you sound like a good mate.

Thank you, catnip. I have a suspicion she will ask - you're right, she probably knows it is likely to be on the cards. I will be honest with her. And I will definitely send her an email if I do fall pregnant.

It's lovely of you to be so sensitive to your friend's feelings about this, but definitely don't put your own plans on hold to spare her feelings: there are no givens in this game (speaking as one who conceived first month of trying first time round and have been ttc for six years for no. 2) - and imagine how you would feel if you held off and then it didn't happen for you, or at least took longer than you had hoped.

As you can imagine, a lot of people around me have had babies in the time I've been trying to conceive. Some people have said crass things and upset me a lot, most have been fine, some have tiptoed around, terrified of telling me and then been surprised when I've been "alright" about it. I think the very fact that you are asking this question means you are likely to be sensitive in the way that you deliver your news.

Personally, I think you should tell her that you are ttc as this will give her some time to prepare herself for you telling her that you are pregnant - even if it does happen quickly. Also, I prefer to be told in person.

Hope it goes well.