when TTC (without success) for a sibling........ ?

[didwedotherightthing]

I have a 3 year old from IVF and we've been trying for a sibling for almost a year now (a combination of natural trying and assisted conception treatment). We've been pregnant twice but both ended in miscarriage sadly.

I'm frustrated with the waiting and being in limbo.

We have LOADS of outgrown clothes and toys belonging to our child as well as buggies, a travel cot, a cot, etc. Our garage, loft and spare room are full. I don't know what to keep or throw / sell and summoning up the mental energy to deal with it is hard.

Then there's the general life planning limbo. Should we book that amazing holiday deal later this year? What if I'm pregnant again by then? I wouldn't want to travel abroad if so as what if I miscarried again. So we don't book, just in case.

Then I wonder about if / when we should move our child into a larger bedroom. He currently has the box room and our larger spare bedroom is a study / guest room (we have pretty regular guests!). If baby #2 was on the way it would force our hand, but as it isn't I'm left wondering.

We're waiting for more tests to see if there's a problem behind the 2 miscarriages. Our infertility seems largely unchanged.

And then there's the 'when do we stop trying?' question. I have no answers. And the fear of not having anymore children ever, is overwhelming.

And all the while, I'm trying to focus on, and enjoy as much as possible, the chidl I do have. It's so hard.

Anyone else dealing with this? Any advice?

I haven't been in this situation OP (I was very lucky) but I know that lots of women have been. Bumping this up for you so hopefully others can share their experiences.

Hi OP.

We are just starting to TTC no 2.
We were just beginning fertility treatment - had bloods, ovary scans then HSG which we fell pregnant next cycle after. In amongst this I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma skin cancer & I was unknowingly operated on in the early stages of pregnancy.

So we have not gone through as much as you OP but we know we will not fall pregnant again easily - apparently I don't have PCOS but i have the syndrome - acne, weight gain, irregular periods.

Weve gone all out with DS (1) & keep justifying it with 'it will do no 2' but in my heart I know that's not a given. I am at work part time - people said to me 'but have another then go part time'. No I want to enjoy DS as he may be my one & only.
We are moving to a bigger house to home our family & keep saying things like 'great sized bedrooms for the kids'. Like you we are debating whether to book a holiday (I was so ill in pregnancy, sick until 18 weeks then signed off at 28 weeks with fluid levels). If we were to get pregnancy & it was anything similar, esp looking after DS we would have to cancel plans.

It's all so what if but when it's how you feel it consumes everything. But I love & enjoy DS everyday & if he's our one & only we will be happy with our lot.

I don't know if that helps, journeys are different & even the same journey will be different for different people. We have a cut off point of 5 years for TTC no 2 but who knows....

OP, I'm in a similar place. My IVF DD is coming up to 18 months and we're planning to get back on the fertility treatment train in the next couple of months. My cycles have been back nearly six months but we've never got pregnant naturally so I didn't really expect us to...but it doesn't make it any less crushing when my period turns up each month. It has today so I'm feeling pretty low.

When I was pregnant with DD, I didn't think I'd ever again feel as low about infertility as I had done in the years of TTC and failed treatments...turns out I was wrong as just recently all those shitty feelings of loss and my overwhelming sense of our failure as a couple have come back. The questions about when we'll have number two have started. Even those that know about our infertility don't really feel they need to be sensitive any more as we've got DD...and we are incredibly lucky that have her, I know...but I feel very much surrounded by pregnant people, people who want to talk to me about the ideal age gap or whatever. What a luxury, to be thinking about ideal age gaps. I daren't even dream we'll be lucky enough to get a second.

The 'when to stop' is the million dollar question, isn't it? TBH, I think my DH would stop here - not that he doesn't want a second, he just doesn't want us to get back in the train. We've got some embryos frozen from our round with DD. If they don't work...I don't know what we'll do.

At the moment I feel so incredibly sad and...basically hard done by. Why us? I'm sure it's a feeling you recognise. Really sorry I have no advice...but loads of empathy. Infertility is horrendous and cruel.