Struggling at work

[lugo40]

Hi all

I work as a health visitor and I'm really struggling doing the job while going through infertility. I'm due to reduce my hours in a few weeks to 3 days as I think that may help but I'm struggling so much right now. I am not giving a good service as all I can think about is my own journey and I don't have the passion for the job I used to. I equally don't want to be pathetic but I feel like I need time out I just feel guilty about it and feel pathetic wanting it!

I'm sorry to hear about your mmc.

I'm laying in bed struggling to get myself ready as I no today I'm visiting three child protection families and a new birth visit. I feel awful that I'm so disinterested. We're not doing Ivf yet which is why I feel so lame and pathetic. We've recently (a few weeks ago) been given the infertility diagnosis based on husbands very low sperm motility and count and awaiting the appointment with fertility/urology. Maybe it's just sinking in and I need time to adjust.

I don't no if time out means time off sick, change of jobs to something not child related and much less stressful, or a move into management . I don't have the brain capacity right now to make any decisions

I know how you feel
Every stage of this is so upsetting,im on my first round of IVF with all the injections etc
But before that waiting for all the test results and more and more investigations it all was very hard to cope with especially at work. Im tired of being a emotional mess all the time

The only advice I can give is plan nice things to do at the weekend with your partner so gives u something to look forward to, we went for a nice picnic in the middle field on saturday.... Sounds weird i know but helps me focus then on monday and Rest and eat well

sorry you're going through this. I'm a HCP too (although not predominantly with children) and also find it hard to be as focused and caring while going through infertility/ mcs.

Is there any way you can go to occupational health about a change in role? I don't know if there are any HV jobs that would be less difficult... are there any that are more clinic based/ focus on the older age group (I don't know about you but I'm generally OK with over 2s, its just babies that bring home what I'm missing/ what stage i "should" be at.

Also I'm sure a sympathetic GP would sign you off for a while, as it is your health issues are preventing you doing your job to the level you should, so definitely worthy of a sick note.

Good luck x

Thank you so much for your replies, it helps so much to know other people understand as i don't know anyone in real life going through this and those i have told seem very scared to talk about it so i don't feel like i can mention it and I feel like i am really struggling and being weak. I would love a job that i can go to and take my mind off it. I have been looking at changing jobs, going into admin so still in nhs so i wont lose any benefits but big salary drop but at least i can go to work and not be surrounded by babies or pregnant women. Health visiting is also very stressful and i feel like i do not have the emotional capacity at the moment to support myself let alone anyone else.
I am new to my current organisation having moved house in december so i don't have any friends at work and i must admit its a real struggle.
I am seeing occupational health tomorrow for some counselling so i hope that helps.

I have thought of taking a week or so off sick but i feel guilty doing that and also it wont go away by having a week or so off sick, although that might be good time out to just get my head together.

Its like theres a million things to consider but i actually cant focus on anything other than how sad and lonely i feel. Its surreal.

thanks again x

Hi all, I Just had some counselling through work occupational therapy, I cried whole the way through it. She's advised me to have at least two weeks off work. I have a Gp appointment Thursday morning , just trying to decide if I will go in tomorrow or not . Thanks for your support x

Hi all, I Just had counselling through work occupational health, I cried the whole way through it. She's advised me to see gp and have at least two weeks off work. I've made an appointment for Thursday morning, I'm just trying to decide if I will go in tomorrow or not . Thanks for all your support x

Don't go in, you can self-cert until the GP writes you a sick note so no need. After my worst MCs I had 8-10 weeks off and I needed it, a couple of weeks might not be enough to give you the time/ space to process things so don't feel like that's all you can take - if you're still feeling the same in 2 weeks get some more time off.
Good luck x

Sorry to hear this. I'm a hv too and am pregnant after three years of nothing. It isn't easy at all I just wanted to add my sympathy

Wow, that must be so hard. I am incredibly hyper-sensitive to all things baby (even now the IVF has worked) so it being your job is incredibly hard.

I suppose the main thing I've learned on my 'journey' is to remember that everyone has their own cross to bear. So fingers crossed if I stay pregnant and have a baby, a HV caring for me may have no idea of my back story and how I got there. It could be the same for some of the women you tend to.

Be kind to yourself, try to protect yourself if you can and remember what you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. And remember you have been doing an amazing job that is crucial to hundreds of vulnerable women and children and hopefully one day you will be able to enjoy it again.

Feel for you. I totally messed up a meeting today because the woman who came to my office came with her baby and then fed and breastfed her in front of me. She was visiting me with a view to giving me work that I really, really need. But I just appeared totally cold and disinterested - because I just couldn't think because there was a bloody baby in front of me. Obviously I didn't get the work - so now I'm skint, as well as in the IVF queue.

It is so, so hard. Big hug to you OP. Don't feel alone.

view that is really tough. I do the 'cold and distant' thing as well. I think everyone at work thinks I hate children. It is self-protection.

Thank you for you all your replies. This journey is awful and I'm so sorry to read so many of you are also on it and the struggles it brings.

Despite huge guilt I have decided what's in my diary, even the child protection, is not as important as my own health and sanity so I have taken today off sick. It's hard to switch off from work but In a few days I hope I can focus on how I'm feeling and process the emotions.

Good luck to everyone going through it too x

Just wanted to give you these
Cannot imagine the pressure of a job like yours coupled with the infertility diagnosis. I'm years into the journey and struggling to see friends with babies, let alone facing it at work. You need a job change for now, things may get worse before they get better. These feelings creep up on you. Hoping for your miracle.

Thank you, I always thought trying for a baby would be such a wonderfully happy and romantic time!

I'm off for 2 weeks. Gp suggested a month but I feel that's too long at the moment. It's funny some days I cry a lot but now I'm off I'm not emotional, feel very numb but not crying. Now I need to be focusing on my emotions I can't! Typical!!

I'm going to be able for 3 months to not visit families which will help but I will still be in the same area of work so long term it's best to leave I think. It's not a job I would want to do if we have a baby as too stressful to combine for me, and so makes sense to leave. Thing is I'm not sure what to- has anyone made a radical career change? I feel like to get me through Ivf I need something less demanding. I'm tempted to apply for a part time reception job that's going in nhs near me. 5 hours a day, I can walk to work , it's social but it's not dealing with babies and child protection! As 5 hours a day I can fit my treatments in around it too . Downside is it's much lower salary, although we can survive financially, and if I don't di agency shifts every now and then I will lose my nursing registration!! .... Maybe this is another way of me avoiding thinking about my feelings - such s planner!!!

It's difficult to say, I have quite a busy stressful job and at times it has felt like it's all too much, although once the IVF started, that came first and work seemed less important. In some ways it was good to have something to keep me busy. And I suppose at the back of my mind I thought at least if the IVF doesn't work I could focus on my career instead.

It would be a shame to give up your registration. Could you do bank nursing? Or try to move into a different field? The admin job plus some bank shifts could be a good compromise.

Hi Lugo.

I really feel for you and I experienced similar to you (been ttc for 7 years!!) I am a nursery school teacher. When i first found out about our ttc troubles I found it really difficult to be at school around the little ones, around the pregnant mothers and those with newborns. I also thought the job was too demanding and I needed something a bit easier. I left teaching and took an admin job in the nhs! At first I loved hw job and felt 'very grown up' having my own desk, being able to go to the loo when I wanted and having adult conversations. After a few months it actually made me feel worse as I now had time during the day to ponder on my infertility and that made me feel awful. Long story short - went back to teaching after 9 months and never looked back. For me, I am so busy that I dont often have time to think about the infertility which is good for me or else I would be obsessing! Over the years I have opened up to a handful of mums about my journey and then often hear their struggles - its surprising how many ppl struggle with infertility but no one ever speaks about it in real life! I have stayed at the same school for 5 years as I feel supported and my boss also knows my struggles and the need for time off etc. Also think about maternity leave /pay and how that will be affected if you concieve shortly after taking a new job (personally I wouldnt care as i would be soooo excited to finally be pregnant)Take this time to look after yourself and think about your future. Good luck. x

THanks for your replies, interesting to hear both your journey's. Cheeseypop i am starting to think you are right, agency shifts and an admin job might be the way to go. Dollydewdrop your stroy is so interesting, i imagine i would love admin too for a couple of months. it does sound like you needed that break though and having the time out has built your resillience up to go back to teaching which is great. I wonder if thats what i need. If our ivf journey ends badly then we would like to eventually adopt a child and so shorter days and less stressful job would ultimately be a good thing. And the less stress and less hours in the short term can only help reduce stress/improve chances of concieving surely.

My big worry is that i have become fairly senor in my current profession through hard work and i am a bit worried that my self esteem could be effected if i take a job that feels like i have given up on my hard work... all depends how my mind set is i guess and hopefully it can just help to focus me on loosing weight and keeping calm for ivf x

Well my two weeks ends Thursday and the thought of going back makes me very anxious. I'm worried as the thought of supporting people is crazy I just can't do it and I don't care if I'm honest, when I support staff I just feel like I don't care that you wanted annual leave and couldn't get it because I can't have a bloody baby!!!! But will I always feel like this so what would be the point in more time off? Gp said to ring if I need more time so I no I can I just wonder if it's the right thing to do. I also think finding a job in admin would be good for me for a little while but there's not much about at the moment. I don't think 2 weeks has been enough to come to terms with what's happening and accept it.

Am I right in thinking you are a qualified Nurse (as I understand a pre requisite for HVing)? Could you leave your current role and just work Bank on wards? Is that possible?

Hi, yes I'm a qualified nurse, I've not worked as a nurse for 7 years so it would be a challenge but I absolutely could do bank shifts and would to keep my registration. I would stop paying into my pension though which isn't necessarily a deal breaker but that's why a permanent admin job mixed with bank shifts at a hospital I think works best