Gaaah

[chundercatsarego]

I am so fucking fed up right now, and feeling a little stupid too. Was bridesmaid at two weddings this weekend, so doing a lot of interacting with family and helping host. Was asked/had hints dropped at me literally every 30 mins about when DH and I are going to 'get on with it' and have DC. We've been trying for 2 years and are due to start IVF due to male factor infertility in the next 6 weeks or so. Everyone assumes we are delaying as I am career driven, and people who do know we're having issues assume it's down to me and offer some pretty sexist/victim blaming advice like telling me to relax/step back at work/do less sport....no one knows I feel this way,bar DH and my best friend, who have both been brilliant.

Anyway, around 8pm and a couple of drinks into wedding number 2, a lovely cousin of DHs made yet another comment, so I replied 'if it were that easy we'd have a couple already' and burst into (very quiet!) tears...no scene or anything, barely 2 people noticed, but the poor guy was mortified, and I feel awful for making him feel bad. There was no harm meant, it was just one of those generic comments that people make, not even a particularly bad or nosey one, but my god, I am so fucking fed up of it. Give it a few weeks and there'll probably be news of honeymoon babies from the two brides this weekend, which might just fucking finish me off. It's not that I don't want others to be happy, I'm just totally fed up of where we are at the moment and have no confidence that IVF is going to work. When we started trying, and my friends got engaged, I assumed we'd be attending their wedding with DC in tow not only was that not the case, but I also made a tit of myself and made a family member feel awful to boot

Wow, people are so rude!

Don't feel bad about crying and making someone else feel bad! I'm surprised you didn't throw a vase if flowers at him and scream!

I can totally understand why your DH might not want to share fertility problems, but if he did confide in family I hope wily find support (although other blokes such as best friends can be woeful at handling things like this)

We have shared with a few people but not everyone (we both have very large families!)... I do feel a bit bad as he is one of the nicest people in the family, it was just the straw that broke the camels back

You poor thing....weddings and christenings are absolutely the worst. Don't feel bad about it...he may not have meant to be unkind, but it's incredibly painful when people make these kinds of assumptions. It sounds as if you normally manage it terribly graciously, but we're all entitled to crack a little sometimes x

chundercats sorry you had such a crap time at the wedding! Poor guy being on the receiving end but you know what men are like, they don't think, I'll bet he will never say anything to another woman ever again on the topic!
I'm sure he will get over it!
I'm sick of biting my tongue too! My bloody grandma was at it this weekend telling me "time is running out" and "you'd better get on with it" wow! Thanks! I needed that pep talk after 20 months ttc!
It's alright for her she popped out 5 kids, I don't suppose people who have massive families would understand there could be problems with infertility.
Stay strong.
Good luck to you

Thanks for the positive messages everyone, time to pick myself up and carry on...

Oh you poor thing

The thing is when you're not having problems TTC you don't realise how many people struggle. Infertility is mostly only talked about by the infertile so we know not to ask stupid questions and NEVER to tell people to relax but none of those other buggers seem to. The fact it's not really talked about much makes it so much harder, it's like a secret grief that you can't talk about

You're worried about having made him feel bad but he made you feel bad, why should you just suck it up when it's such a painful experience? As Vap0's said, he won't be so insensitive again. And good luck with the IVF x

Actually well done you for not just being done for GBH at the wedding and thumping everyone who was so insensitive.

We ended up telling my DH's parents. I have no one on my side of the family we can confide in - but weirdly telling someone of the 'parental' generation really helped. It felt like now that they know we're trying and it's tough we are somehow absolved of some of that 'guilt' of not having popped out a grandchild yet. Is there anyone else you can tell?

We need those killer response lines though. I'm lucky and not many people ask me, but I've decided that if they do I'm going to pull a piece of paper out my handbag and ask them if they want to read my full gynae notes if they're that interested...

Other posters right though. No one else has a clue how tough it is, unless they've been there themselves. x

Oh OP I feel your pain, and completely understand your frustration.

The fact it's not really talked about much makes it so much harder, it's like a secret grief that you can't talk about This really resonates. So true.

If I hear one more person tell me that "My friend was trying for 2 years, and then she just relaxed and got pissed on holiday and got pregnant! THAT'S what you need to do". Yes, I hadn't thought of that, thank you.

Even my Gynae consultant told me to 'just relax and it might happen', just after she'd told me that my insides are totally fucked. She also said that conceiving is a miracle even for normal people, and miracles do happen even for people like me - nearly made me cry with that (in a nice way, she was being lovely).

for you chundercats (awesome name by the way)

Infertility can be a cruel and lonely business, particularly when friends, family and colleagues don't know what's going on (and why should you tell them? It's a very personal issue). Unfortunately these things happen quite regularly when you're in the midst of IVF and full of hormones and emotions. After 4 failed cycles I'm used to it although I do still occasionally crack. The 'relax and it will happen' one is particularly aaaaarrrgggghhhhhh and makes steam come out of my ears.

Good luck to you with your upcoming treatment and don't feel bad about getting upset, completely normal and nothing at all to be ashamed of!

Chunder, I'm in exactly the same situation. Annoying isn't it? If you aren't already on a support thread and don't mind a lotbit of swearing come check out the BESH thread on the conception boards, we are pretty much all 2 year plus about to IVF-ers

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel a lot better about it actually. I was feeling very guilty It will happen though and I think to some degree it's healthy, I can't keep it locked inside forever. My brother has been rather insistent about seeing me this weekend even though I'm not feeling brilliant... I've got a sneaky suspicion that he'll tell me today they his wife is pg with number 3.... we'll see!

Wishing you all well with your issues

Thanks blue, I'll check it out

If BESH isn't your style though there are lots of others on conception boards, may also be worth trying the berries group

BESH does look good...I'm not old enough per your rules though