Hi Timelord,
My DH has azoospermia due to a number of reasons. He was born 3 months prem which meant his hormones were raised, his pituitary gland never fully developed either. He had mumps twice as a child and was hospitalised after being hit by a ball in that area.
At our very first consultation (private due to no NHS funding due to postcode lottery) he had to whip down his clothes & was told his testicles were very small. In his case nothing could be done to rectify the issue.
We tried sperm retrieval under sedation but as my username says, it was a long hard slog for us and we decided a donor (on both sides) was the only way forward. His chromosomes were never tested - is this a newish test?
Lots and lots and lots of tears, arguments, money, discussions about how he should leave me to be with someone who could give me what I wanted. You also go through a grieving process which it sounds like you may be going through at the moment.
Have the tried surgical sperm retrieval from you?
As for pushing your partner away, I hate to say it but this is totally 'normal'. In my experience others I have spoken to online at fertilityfriends have felt this has happened to them & that actually it's rare if the whole 'pushing away' thing doesn't happen.
Having struggled for 18 years with infertility on DH's side initially, all I can advise is that you're not on your own. Once you mention it to others you'll be surprised at how 'common' this is.
This situation can make or break you. It makes you question how much you want a child. Keep your partner in the loop & try to keep things open. You'll get angry but please try & turn that into a positive thing. You'll think it's unfair, you'll grieve, you'll go through low moods.
You are doing SO incredibly well right now by talking about it. That's what a strong person does, so you have made great progress already, you're accepting this better than you think you are.
What other tests have you had?