Self-sabotage

[merricat]

Anyone else do this or is it just me? In the last two years DH and I have found out about a whole bunch of fertility problems that are all mine. Stage IV endo, PCOS, low ovarian reserve, etc. I do everything I can - most of the time - to try to maximise our chances and prepare my body for IVF / conception. I eat very healthily, I exercise just the right amount, I do stress-relieving activities, I try to take my mind off it as much as possible.

Then, typically after a few months of this, I think 'fuck it, this isn't working, it doesn't make any difference what I do' and I sabotage myself - I'll drink a large amount of wine one evening, helped down with a ten pack of cigarettes, and the next day I'll eat unhealthy hangover food. Then I feel hugely guilty, and tell myself that it's actually all my fault and I'm the one wrecking our chances by behaving this way. Then I'll go another few months being healthy and dedicated. Then the cycle starts again.

I really want to break out of this. Does anyone else do anything remotely similar, or beat themselves up like this? I suppose it's triggered by the overwhelming lack of control I feel.

I do this, and I don't know why.

I'm having ivf now and I've been eating horribly all weekend. I'm overweight, and I know losing weight will increase my chances of success, but...I can't seem to stop myself.

For five months now most of the time I've been in the gym three times a week, eat organic, low carb, high protein diet with full fat dairy, no alcohol, no caffeine, cook everything from scratch, take my supplements, eliminated unneeded chemicals from our house...I've even taken a career break from work to bring my stress levels right down.

Then I get overwhelmed. I have a particularly unpleasant procedure to get through at my clinic tomorrow, and I'm anxiety eating. My husband went to get his hair cut this morning, so - left to my own devices - I've just eaten sticky toffee pudding for breakfast. Who does that? Seriously.

I thought ivf would focus me, and most of the time it does, but sometimes it's just too much to cope with. I suppose it's easier to self-medicate than deal with the pressure and anxiety of fertility issues.

Ideally, I'd have counselling, but I'm 35. I'm not sure there's enough time to sort out all the crap in my head AND get knocked up.

Getting it right 80% of the time has to be good enough, right?

That sounds so much like me, Tootsiepops. I'm also worse when left to my own devices - DH went away for a few days on Thursday, and I immediately went out for wine (I don't usually drink, as like you I quite alcohol and caffeine etc etc). And just like you, I thought the IVF would focus me, but finally getting the letter through made me feel overwhelmed and anxious (our consultation is in ten days' time; we start in March).

You're right - the pressure is probably driving us to these behaviours. Probably you've taken all the pressure onto your own shoulders, as I have done, and it feels like it's too much to bear sometimes.

Massive lots of luck for the IVF.

Just to add - I suppose part of why I tend to think 'fuck it' every once in a while is because I'm so hyperaware that everywhere, all around me, people are getting pregnant who drink wine and eat sticky toffee pudding all the bloody time. My cousin, for whom vodka is a food group and ketchup is a vegetable, has no trouble getting knocked up. My 40-year-old friend who smokes and drinks for Ireland got pregnant from a one night stand last year. And here I am with my kale and my yoga and my spirulina supplements... nothing. That's what triggers the thoughts of 'well, nothing I do is making any difference so I might as well do whatever I want'.

I really don't think one or two days of drinking and eating rubbish is going to cancel out all the benefits of your healthy lifestyle of the previous months. It sounds like you're doing really well - give yourselves a break ladies! And best of luck with your IVF.

I think though that with pcos you are just more sensitive to the sugar. So while others can eat what they want and get very overweight, it affects us more.
I do find it annoying, especially having lean pcos.
I would be careful about the smoking though as nhs funded is often a requirement to have quit.
Are you on metformin - as i found it affected me a lot if say i ate too many carbs, which put me off a bit.
Its unfortunate as i comfort eat, chocolate, mainly when stressed.
Better a wobble now than during treatment

Have you tried relaxation techniques? I found zita west's audio cd helpful. Listened to it daily during last cycle. The point is, you need to manage your mental state as much as your physical. Sounds like you're asking way too much of yourself. What would honestly be wrong with having a glass of wine occasionally or on special occasions? You need to be kind to yourself. No one could keep yo that kind of routine without breaking out of it sometimes.
Try reading her book too. It helped me see the whole thing differently and relax more. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies guys. Naty, my main problem is the endo and resultant poor ovarian reserve (caused when they burned off the scarring and chocolate cysts on my poor ovaries, they said... yeesh). I'm borderline PCOS, I'm not overweight and was refused metformin. Obviously I know that I'm not supposed to be smoking, hence all the guilt and feelings of self-sabotage. I'm not a smoker, but have these horrible blow-outs from time to time. Some of those times cigarettes are involved. I hate it.

4030ludders I tried to get on with Zita West, I really did, but I just didn't like her books (like, to the point where I wanted to toss her IVF one at the wall sometimes!). I know she helps loads of people and that is brilliant, but she's just not for me. I know you're right about how it's better to be relaxed and moderate consistently, than strict with myself some months and wobbly the next. I do yoga for relaxation, and long walks and baths. They help but they don't cure. I tried acupuncture and hated it. Maybe I'm a bit of a lost cause.

I dont think they would refuse the metformin just for weight (my bmi was about 20-21 or so). But as you said you are borderline i assume you mean some blood tests can back normal range?
If you have low reserve you may not hyperstimulate like a usual pcos patient.
Met can also improve egg quality and reduce mc risk.

When I asked the clinic if they could put me on metformin, they got quite stroppy with me and said that since I'm not overweight, I'm not entitled to it, and that if I got it from my GP they would stop treating me at the clinic (which I thought was a bit of a weird threat to make; I hadn't even mentioned my GP ). My blood levels aren't great, but I'm borderline PCOS because the number of cysts I have is above normal, but on the cusp of the definition for PCOS, if that makes sense.

They said the chances of me hyperstimulating are non-existent because of the state of my ovarian reserve (they're putting me on flare protocol, which seems quite hardcore). My consultants are not really expecting me to produce any eggs, from what they've said, but they're funding this first IVF cycle to give me the benefit of the doubt. That plus my very bad endo are my main problems physically. Mentally it's another kettle of ball games, but it's probably that all the negativity from then about my chances has made me more anxious than I would have been otherwise. That said, I'd rather they be honest with me, and they've certainly been that.

I think the self-sabotaging is an emotional response to feeling so out of control. I should talk it out with my DH when he gets back from his trip I guess.

Just to add about the metformin / weight thing: my clinic are unusual in refusing it to people with 'normal' BMIs, I know. Maybe it's a Scottish thing? We have slightly different rules up here, but I'm assuming every clinic has its own way of doing things. I don't really get much of a say in that.

Hopefully you will prove them wrong with the number of eggs you get.
Could be a different policy in Scotland as maybe different NICE guidelines.
I can see though that if they are worried about response due to the effects of surgery, they dont want it dampened further by metformin.
I think up to 50% of people with pcos are thin.

Can understand why the book might drive you nuts. Walks & yoga sound good. How about easing up on the dietary organic thing and allowing yourself the occasional wine, chocolate, crisps etc? As you say, people DO get pregnant all the time on "inappropriate booze-food" routines, so why would a
Little of the nice stuff hurt your chances?
Good luck. See how the first cycle goes & then evaluate.