I feel so lost that I can't seem to conceive a child

[KC11]

I and DH have tried many times with natural conception, IUI, 5 attempts at ICSI. I am struggling to hold my life together. I get a pain in my gut when I see a pregnant woman in the shop or in the street. The feeling is sometimes very strong and brings tears to my eyes. I feel like my family walk on egg shells and my DH has told me he feels like he walks on egg shells the whole time. It is painful and saddening to think that the love I have to give to a little human being (who I could parent and guide through childhood and adulthood) will never come to be bestowed on a little person that was created by me. My family and friends (except two couples) have all had 2 or 3 children without any fertility issues at all. Am I selfish to want to be a parent so badly? I feel worthless and useless. I have always felt inferior to other women. I have always felt less pretty, less clever, less interesting and less of a woman than other women I know. I went to an all girls school and this started at age 12-13. Can anyone suggest ways of coping?

Hello. I am sorry you feel like this. I too was once you. Everyone everywhere seemed to be pregnant. Except me. We had IVF. Luckily for us it worked and we have one DC. We did try again, but it never happened. We always said we'd have 3 goes at IVF in total (due to cost). But we stopped at 2. I realised I didn't want any more children. I love my DC hugely. But it can be hard work. It can be boring. It can be frustrating (can't do what I want - obviously I'm a bit selfish). It can obviously be totally brilliant and rewarding too. As DC is getting older, I am no longer kissed/cuddled as much - though still massively loved. I know that. But I am a taker to and from school, I am a nagger about homework. I annoy them a lot. I say 'no' lots. My day is punctuated by their lives and taking them places. Holidays are not the same (or non-existant). In a few years I'll just be a taxi driver in the evenings and weekends. They'll probably smell, be rude and not in the least grateful to me. Then they'll grow up some more, still probably love me, but only text or e-mail me. I'll only know what they want me to know. I worry constantly about stuff... will they do well at school, have they got friends, are they happy, how the devil will they ever afford a house! These are worries I really often wish I didn't have (again that selfish word comes to mind).
Just saying really, sometimes we really want something and then want it even more just because we can't or don't appear to be able to have it (not saying that's your case at all), but perhaps it was mine - just a little bit.
If you're really sure you want children, and you do sound like you have loads to offer a child, then please try every avenue open to yourselves, you'll need to be positive and happy. Have you considered adoption if it doesn't happen? I know a few people who have been in your situation, have decided not to push further and have settled very happily into their grown-up (can do anything whenever they want) life.
Please don't think I'm being horrible... it's just children are only yours for a short time, you still need to be happy being you.

Hello. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low and after all those attempts I can completely understand why. Not sure what words of comfort I can offer you, but you are no less of a woman because you haven't yet had a child. And you are obviously a far more beautiful person on the inside and outside than you realise because someone obviously loved you enough to marry you! A lot of women struggle to even find that. You don't mention how old you are, but I really hope your fortunes change and that you will eventually get your own baby.

I really think though after 5 failed icsi attempts, there must be a medical reason? Hope you can get to the bottom of it although it just be completely exhausting and bewildering.

I feel for you op. I've only had 2 icsi attempts but I'm now 41 and we don't think we will try again. It's very hard to come to terms with and even just tonight another in my circle has announced pregnancy.
Pigmella - your post is really good to read because deep down those are my fears. Unlike the op I wasn't set on being a mum but when I met my dh I realised I wanted a family as he did. I can't write much as this phone is driving me mad but wanted to say thanks as what you say is so true and something I cling onto. Because I need to be happy with my life without children. We have talked about adoption but because of my slightly selfish ways and how much I'm
prone to worrying, I just don't think that's for me at all.

Hi. Thank you all for your posts. I am 40 and a half. The roller coaster feels like it will never end. It is good to hear other points of view. I always assumed I'd have two children: One of each like my parents did with me and my brother. I seem to implantation failure. I have uterine killer cells and sticky blood. No one has told us to stop trying. We used donor eggs on icsi 5. We paid over 9000 and that 9 clouded our donor's treatment. She conceived but we were unlucky again. Dh and I bicker and irritate each other because one of us cam handle the situation and one of us can't. Do we try once more or call it day? Change clinic? Throw our savings at one more icsi? Time is short. Perhaps I need personal counselling to help me come to terms with it. ??

Hi OP. Just wanted to say that I really do feel for you. I knew I really wanted children, but it took so long to find the right bloke, and then to convince him that he would be a great father. I too found it really difficult to see pregnant women and little babies everywhere. I was 38 when we finally got married, conceived fairly quickly but it was an ectopic pregnancy and I lost a tube. After that nothing seemed to be happening so we turned to IVF. We have been very lucky with DS born a few months after my 40th birthday and currently 42 and pregnant again after more IVF.

You are in no way selfish for wanting so much to be a parent, but don't let it diminish your self-worth. I don't know enough about uterine killer cells / sticky blood to say whether or not you should try ICSI again - you need an expert's opinion on that. I am in Australia so don't know what the laws are in the UK with regards to surrogacy, but could that be an option? Is adoption (either in UK or overseas) an option? Fostering?

If it turns out in the end that none of these options are possible and nothing works, make some really big plans for what to do with your life instead. Having children is a huge time and money commitment. If you have the time and money instead of the kids, what can you do with it? Dream big and do worthwhile / useful things that will make you feel valued and valuable.

Hi OP. I think before embarking on another round, you should have a very realistic conversation about what you would do if it failed again. Agree that you will stop and look at other avenues to become parents etc - that kind of thing. Otherwise, the pressure on that last cycle will be overwhelming (I know it will be anyway).
I know counselling requires more money (unless you can get in on nhs - I'm not sure), but I think a couples counsellor can help. I think you should do it as a couple. You can still absolutely address personal issues in a couple session.
I'm sorry that I don't know about your condition, but I think I may be tempted to try a different clinic. At least maybe find an expert consultant in that field of killer cells and get some other advice.

Was the donor having icsi or just ivf?
As from the icsis i assume a male factor issue.
Did you get to day 5 blast?

Couldnt it be dodgy sperm?
I was told on my failed cycle 'chance failure' but with a b grade and bc grade embryo transferred its more likely it was embryo quality. As both times i had a ab grade embryo it worked.
I think clinics arent that clear about the chances with certain grades of embryo.

I always wanted kids and was very depressed with the infertility. Being a parent is hard but worthwhile, to me.
Can they say implantation from 1 failed cycle with a donor? As im sure if the donor had say 1 failed cycle it wouldnt be called that.

Only 50% of a young womans eggs are good and fewer as you age (i have read 1/10 at 40. )
I have seen a few people with failed donor cycles and i think they had icsi too so theres always the possibility it is also a male fertility issue. (I dont think it does eggs much good - i only get about 2 fertilised)
Its difficult to deal with that its a bit of a lottery, which eggs grow that month and whether ivf cures whatever is wrong.
And people just dont realise ivf just doesnt always work.
Ive had to do 4 sets of stimms for 1 DD and another bfp (3 cycles under 34 and 1 just over 35.)
I was talking to a lady who adopted 2. I only know the youngest but they are amazing and i really wouldnt have known - no bad behaviour etc. better than ivf DD.

Problem with ivf is you just dont know if /when it would work. Some people have 8 blasts and none work others have 1 fertilised and it works.
Were you bleeding before test day?

I really recommend contacting Infertility Network UK for support. Also, I found a book called 'When You're Not Expecting' very very useful, along with counseling and hypnotherapy as coping mechanisms.