How can I best support a friend going through IVF?

[Cotherstone]

Oldest and closest friend is just starting her first round of IVF. Natural conception isn't possible, so it's all resting on these few goes for them. Can I ask, if it's not too insensitive, what you wanted a friend to say or do to support you while you were going through this?

I really want to support her but I'm aware that I don't have any similar experience and, to be completely honest, we have one DC that was an unexpected pregnancy so I haven't even actively TTC so there is so little shared experience there.

Do I just listen? Is there anything I can say or do to help?

Just listen and make the right noises. Buy flowers when it works and when it doesn't.
The stress if infertility is smiling to that of being diagnosed with a serious illness.
Don't make comments about how she should relax/ have a holiday/have more sex etc. You'd be surprised how often these gems are used.

Smiling? I meant similiar. Oops.

Howstheserenity - yes about relax! That is my particular bugbear at the moment (especially as it's f$&@ing male factor. We haven't shared any details about causes, but still, nobody's telling him to just worry less!)

All of the suggestions above, plus be aware that some of the stages can be physically (as well as emotionally) very hard, so it's nice to catch up at her place, for example, instead of going out.

You sound like a lovely friend

Read up on the processes, so you can understand better what she's going through medically and be aware of the various stages she's going through. Don't ask too probing questions (so, how's your OH's sperm count today?), keep them general and let her decide how much she wants to tell you. And just be there to listen. Oh, and do some healthy things together - think gym class or walk rather than cocktails!

IVF doesn't have to be totally stressful or with wild emotions (def wasn't for me!). I didn't really want to go into too much detail with any friend as I knew they wouldn't have a chance of understanding the medical or emotional involvement.

And definitely don't ask for outcomes of any treatment - one friend said that she had a "right to know" whether it worked or not (as I'd told her the date of our final treatment). Like hell she did! Like I was going to ring her to tell her of the previous 12 failures...

Sounds like you're being a nice supportive friend, so hope it goes well for her.

You sound lovely and the fact you're thinking about what to say shows you're going to be sensitive.

I think the best thing is to not offer any sort of advice. Something I find very annoying is people who haven't had ivf giving all sorts of suggestions about what to do, think, feel etc. I also don't like people assuming ivf will work, it's not a magic bullet and it fails more often than it works. Take your lead from your friend, she might not want to talk about it or to offer updates on progress. Or she might want to talk about it.

Also, something else to think about is if she does get a BFP then be sensitive that she might still feel very anxious. Miscarriage rates are higher in ivf pregnancies and there are still lots of hurdles to get through.

Thank you, especially the tips on relaxing and offering advice - I think I've probably been guilty of those already We don't live that close so it's a lot of phone calls and texts, which I don't like as I know it would be easier if I could see her or be there to help, especially if the IVF works and she's got the early pregnancy to go through.

I think - and apologies if this sounds like I'm making it about me, I don't mean to - that I'm worried if I don't ask for details it looks like I'm not interested but then, as you say Kalinka, she possibly doesn't want to share so doesn't want to talk about it.

I think I'm also guilty of assuming it will work. Is that unhelpful and unsupportive?

The problem when people assume that it will work is that it tends to minimize the enormity of it. The chances of each round working is on the range of 30 -40% and it depends very much on individual circumstances so knowing someone who got pregnant first time of ivf means nothing really. When you assume it will work then I don't think it addresses the issue of this being a very shitty thing to go through, and the ending might be shit as well. So, comments like "it will be all worth it in the end" really hurt because I've been through it three times and still it's not been worth it. Sorry, I've not articulated that well at all.

Don't feel guilty! but do bear in mind that in many cases it doesn't work (either with fresh or frozen cycles), so there could be many months/years of disappointment ahead for your friend (or not, if she's one of the lucky ones!). I reckon that if you're a good friend rather than a more casual one, she won't mind if you ask occasionally for high-level details, like where she's up to with the treatment, what next steps are etc.

Thank you all, this is really helpful. I'll remember not to talk about it "being worth it" as well.

You might ask her how much she would like to discuss it / be asked about it. I really didn't want to talk about it, even with close friends.

A friend of mine used to send the occasional text to say they understood if I didn't want to respond but they just wanted me to know they were there and thinking of me often. I really appreciated it, no demands for info, just a nice sentiment. Others gave me a cuddle, some bought me lucozade (good for eggs apparently). Just little things.

Everyone else has given good advice. IVF really is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and some days I would want to talk, others I wouldn't so just take your cue from her. I'm sure it would be ok to ask 'hows it going' but if she doesn't offer too much info don't push. It won't mean that she doesn't want you to know, just maybe that she's struggling to talk about it.

You sound lovely though, I wouldn't have got through it all without my incredible group of friends, it's so important to have them there, before, during and after.

I think one thing I've found hard from well-meaning friends is things like 'oh how exciting, that's something to look forward to' Well, yes, of course I'm glad we are lucky enough to finally be at the top of the (long) queue and that things are finally moving forward for us but no, it's not exciting and wonderful. It's heartbreaking, painful and stressful!