Gah! Why do I go on those threads?

[HesterShaw]

I never learn. I always have to contribute to the struggling to TTC threads which are posted in Chat, rather than Conception, where I never venture any more ever. Hope rears its ugly head when you read of the women who had completely given up and then got a BFP out of nowhere at the age of 42 and so on and so on. Obviously I'm very pleased for them, but it gets the cogs whirring about it possibly happening for me too, and then I start counting days and checking pants and planning... when deep down I know it's hopeless. It's just like when I try to convince my mother that no, there won't be any grandchildren from me. There absolutely won't because we are infertile. And no I am not going to have any more IVF because I know it won't work. This won't happen despite your friend's daughter in law who had a surprise pregnancy out of nowhere at 43. And that people telling me "Don't give up hope," have no idea how dispiriting and knackering hope is and I'd rather have none and just get on with my child free life.

Yet I still go on those bloody threads.

I have always said hope is a lonely place. I made a decision to take control. DH had a vasectomy and we never looked back. Admittedly most folk think I am a bit strange doing that and can't get their heads round it. Hugs for you.

I completely get that! You just want to know for sure so you can start imagining the rest of your life without children barging into your imaginings!

I could have written your OP word for word. Hope is the thing that destroys you over and over. Acceptance is much easier to live with.

Sorry Hester, that sucks. I have so many sections hidden now, but as you say the ones that pop up in chat are unavoidable (although I tend to hide individual threads too, so they don't keep coming up in active). Otherwise its sort of like prodding a wound, isn't it - reading to see if it still hurts (which it inevitably does!)

Giving up hope saved my life. Hope is so so cruel because it is followed by despair. Give up hope and you give up despair.

I like the vasectomy idea. A great way of being in control.

With me it's not so much hurt, as I have mostly become immune to that apart from the odd "IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAIIIIR!" moment. It's just the "Oooh, maybe it still could happen! Maybe I've just not tried hard enough/eaten the right things/been in the right frame of mind etc" thoughts which sneak into my brain. And then the other, realistic voice takes over saying "You know it won't."

Though I'm not sure DH will go for the vasectomy idea! We had a friend who was waddling around for ages after his as it got infected

Yes but it's those little niggling things that will be what eventually drives you MAD.

Oooo I really hate the "i knew a couple who had given up hope and then......" stories too.

I'm at the start of my journey into treatment so obviously I'm not giving up hope yet but I totally understand what you're getting at. We are unexplained infertility so technically there is nothing wrong with us (that they can find). I think that makes it worse. If we exhaust all treatment and are still childless I can imagine myself thinking it might still happen every month until I hit menopause! I'd like to be able to plan. You know what I mean? The last few years its been oh we can't book that in case we're pregnant by then etc. When do you stop living like that?! I know I can't exist like it, ive missed enough opportunities already.

I hope you find peace girls x

No it's not bloody fair Hest. I wish the headfuckery would leave you alone. [swordfish trebuchet]

Hello SecondSunrise. I feel like I know you but I don't know your name! PM me there's a good lass :)

Victoria I would just book stuff regardless, then you won't risk looking back with regrets of things not done.

I ended up adopting two dc.

"So and so had a baby at 43", said in a cheerful voice.....yes, people do, but they are not me, so it is completely irrelevant. Grrrr.

Exactly that Meggie! I have long passed the stage when I am cheered by encouraging stories from fellow barrens who turn out to be no such thing. They are not us! So and so thought she couldn't have kids and had three in quick succession at the age of 40, 41 and 42!! Therefore you must be ok too!! Yes?!

I am a bit earlier in the journey than you (waiting to start nhs IVF after 3.5 years TTC) but totally understand the 'hope destroys you' thing. Every...single....month you think this could be The Month. There's no particular reason it won't be! In fact, the more you think about it, it probably will work this month! Except it won't, and it doesn't.

Having your heart broken once is hard. Having your heart broken every 30 days is what destroys your soul.

I love the idea of a vasectomy - taking control of your life is a wonderful thing, and taking control of your demons is deeply empowering.

Why us? Why me? Why you? I'll never know. I don't understand. But I'm with you on that road and I hear how you when say how hard it is