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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

Bad news today.....

23 replies

animallover85 · 03/07/2014 20:03

Today my husband got the results from his second semen analysis. His sperm count is very low and also has very poor motility. So according to the GP the chances of us conceiving naturally are extremely poor. Devastated.......

OP posts:

Nodney · 03/07/2014 20:06

I'm so sorry animal, what devastating news for you. Exactly the same thing happened to me 8 years ago and I too was gutted. Big hug x

Chottie · 03/07/2014 20:10

I'm so sorry that you have received such devastating news.

Molotov · 03/07/2014 20:13

But that does not mean that you cannot have a child together.

Stay strong xxx

Nodney · 03/07/2014 20:22

Absolutely. Molotov is right. I have 3 DS through ICSI but also considered other options to have the family I wanted.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 03/07/2014 20:34

DDs best friends are ICSI twins. It's not an easy, or a cheap road, but there can be a happy ending.

SilverStars · 03/07/2014 23:53

Hi sorry to hear this. We were told this. Had ICSI, failed sadly. End of NHS treatment ( one cycle funding). Had private treatment, have a dc. Several years later dh has another SA to discover he has asignificantlY lower count - 90% less than before! Gp told us nothing can be done and not enough sperm for ICSI. Refused to refer us anywhere. Said to go private but could not suggest anywhere.

Lots of research led us to Mr Jonathan Ramsey. Works NHS and private in London. Seen him privately. Done lots of extra tests ( get results soon), but as we had already had some he looked at those results and noticed a significant change in his hormone levels over the past years. End result is he said "sperm count is not too difficult to increase" and prescribed some drugs for 4 months. Awaiting other test results (ROS test, ultrasound and a more detailed SA) to see if anything else can be done.

Ruled out possible causes of low count as well which could have been treated of found.

Told the gp. Gp completely amazed. Never heard of this. I suggested as 1:3 causes of fertility are male factor she should read his website and papers - he has been a specialist in this area for 25 yrs so it is not all new. And other consultants follow the same methods.

Whether it works, we will see.

Just sharing in case any use. £200 consultation fee plus tests on top. All done on same day which helped as we are not near London.

AnsonsVoyageRoundTheWorld · 03/07/2014 23:59

I am sorry to hear this. It must be very sad for you both.

Original poster

animallover85 · 04/07/2014 07:33

Thanks for all of your kind words and for sharing your experiences.

OP posts:

oohdaddypig · 04/07/2014 07:36

I'm sorry for your news. It's devastating.

We received similar (well worse tbh) news a few years ago and now have two DC. There are many ways to have a child and options open to you. Take your time and work out what's right for you.

Original poster

animallover85 · 04/07/2014 08:28

May I ask some advice? After being married for a few years now we are both always getting the constant questions and comments about starting a family. Any idea how to deal with this and any good responses? I'm close to telling people just to fuck off and mind their own business!

OP posts:

patienceisvirtuous · 04/07/2014 08:31

I would do exactly that :)

Sorry to hear your news. I hope you get your family in future x

Molotov · 04/07/2014 09:17

Or the answer of 'We're not ready to be tied down just yet - we're having too much fun!'

'Haven't decided if we want children yet.'

'Maybe we'll start ttc next year/in the spring/at Christmas.'

All difficult to say and appear to mean when you are dying inside, but worth it to get people to stop asking such personal (albeit small talk) questions. Just say it in an off-the-cuff tone.

Heels99 · 04/07/2014 09:24

Op we were the same. It is devastating. I now have 2 beautiful daughters through Icsi. This is the start of your journey to have a child, not the end.

People asking when you're going to have a family, I used to say "things don't always happen as quickly as you would like them to" people usually got the message from that and didn't ask again. The trouble with " we're having too much fun." Etc is that it doesn't stop people from asking and doesn't encourage them to be more sensitive in future.

Haahoooo · 04/07/2014 09:29

So sorry OP. Not the same but we had two miscarriages and I used to get very upset re people asking when we were going to have DC. In the end I decided it is best to be open and blunt, in the hope that it teaches them to be more sensitive. If the person was nice I would say something like "it is actually quite difficult for us", if unsympathetic I would just say "we've had two miscarriages, perhaps you can be more sensitive about such personal questions in future".

Molotov · 04/07/2014 09:58

I never wanted anyone else to know. I had a very insensitive extended family who would have revelled in apportioning blame

ooooh, I wonder what's wrong with him?

Looks the kind to fire blanks

Of course, she was anorexic so she probably can't get pregnant

Also, talking about it always used to make me cry. Deflecting was a way to brushing over it. I didn't have to think about it to answer.

I never wanted to give the extended family the satisfaction to say those things behind our backs. (I have since severed ties with these toxic people, for other reasons).

I hope that gives context to my perspective. You must handle it as to how you feel most comfortable.

eurochick · 04/07/2014 10:13

I told people explicitly or implicitly ("it's not as easy as having a few too many Chablis and an early night for everyone you know"). I found that easier than imagining people were speculating. You don't have to tell them the reason if your partner is sensitive about this. Just say you are having investigations if pressed. I found everyone very sensitive, at least to my face.

Molotov · 04/07/2014 10:20

My extended family were very vindictive and spiteful. Our fertility struggles would have fed their horrid little coffe table gossip fests for years. It's a non-issue, but we had unexplained infertility, so nobody's 'fault'. Wouldn't have stopped that lot taking wild stabs in the dark, though.

I realise that, mercifully, most won't have to put up with this, or take defensive actions over something they should be supported through.

LIG1979 · 04/07/2014 13:31

I used to do the deflective 'not yet but at some point' in response to the question about dc when struggling to conceive dd. It did mean that when I finally got pg and told people around 20 weeks people assumed it was a mistake and I felt I had to put them right as after 2 miscarriages and a pcos diagnosis it was very planned. now trying unsucessfully to conceive dc2 I tend to say 'unfortunately we are not one of those couples that can look at each other and a baby comes along 9 months later' that usually shuts them up.

oohdaddypig · 04/07/2014 13:42

I ended up saying "it doesn't always happen as fast as you would like" and that shut them up.

Of course no one knew we were going through countless rounds of IUI and blood tests, but it got them off my back.

Catlover2014 · 06/07/2014 08:34

animal after years of infertility and subsequent mc I find it's easiest to just say 'we can't have children'. For me I find it stops the conversation and that's what I want. Old excuses like 'I'm focusing on my career' or 'we're working on it' got unwanted advice. X

Original poster

animallover85 · 06/07/2014 20:52

I feel so low today. Everywhere I look at the moment there seem to be women or couples with their babies and my husband has been really unsympathetic. His response was 'oh well, we'll have more money!!!' and I know it's not his fault but he's shown no concern for how I may be feeling. Unbelievable!

OP posts:

Molotov · 06/07/2014 21:10

animal, sorry to read you're upset. Your DH may well be deflecting: he might me feeling emasculated; a failure; unable to (easily) provide you with the baby you crave.

He might be struggling with his own emotions and unable to take yours into account atm. It might be that he sees how you're feeling and he can't handle it because he feels it is his fault.

If counselling is available to you both, please consider it. We never did. I don't think my dh would have benefitted (his past personal circumstances), but it would have benefitted me enormously. I didn't know how much I qas struggling until it was almost too late.

Remember that you can still have a baby together. You're just likely to need help xx

oohdaddypig · 06/07/2014 21:48

animal I'm sorry you are struggling too. You never notice all the couples with babies until you are having problems having one yourself.

Based on my experience, men deal with it differently. His way of coping is too put a positive skin on it. He will be feeling as bad as you, I suspect. My DH was very uncomfortable with my tears, which frustrated me as getting angry and crying was my way of coping.

Have you talked through your options, yet?

There is a great book by Alice domar called 'coping with infertility' that I found helpful as personally counselling wasn't for me (although I appreciate it's very helpful for many). I also joined a website called Fertility Friends (a bit like mumsnet for those with any kind of fertility issue) and it is fair to say that website kept me sane.

I hope you feel a little better tomorrow

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