What not to say to a friend undergoing IVF

[GreenSpaghetti]

A very dear friend of mine is about to start her first round of IVF with her DH. I really want to support her best I can but am totally out of my comfort zone and paranoid about saying the wrong thing or just spouting clichés without being any help. So, what DON'T I say, and on the flip side how do I support her best?

Don't say you know it will work. Don't ask for constant updates, or if there's any news. Don't offer suggestions of things she could try, or tell stories about miracle pregnancies or success stories from ivf. Just be there to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on. It's a very emotional time because of what's invested in it and the hormones wreaking havoc with how you feel.

Agree with all of ray's advice. Just ask how she is, if there is anything can do and for me, general 'this will all work out in the end' comments are tolerable. You sound like a lovely friend.

For interest, here is a list of unhelpful things that have been said to me.

You can always adopt
You'd make great adoptive parents
I have no idea how you inject yourself, I know I couldn't do that
Have you thought about surrogacy?
Maybe it wasn't meant to be

Also, the very few people I've told over avoided me. I would so much appreciated more 'how are you doing' communications. I feel like a social outcast sometimes!

I agree with all the above.

Just be as normal as possible, avoid all the miracle stories and never ever say "just relax" it will happen. ..

let her know you are happy to be there for her should she want to talk, but that you won't be badgering her for details. That way she won't think you are ignoring a very important thing in her life but are supportive.

Thank you for your responses, I am glad I asked, am probably already guilty of some of these things

I just want to agree with everyone else, also I wish I too am very lucky to have a friend just like you spaghetti, a true friend that really cares just being there will be really helping, even if we forget to thank you we do notice! Keep up your good supportive work! X

Not much more to add to the pps' great advice, no spouting about relaxing / 'it will happen', no commenting on the drug regimen, or pulling faces if she volunteers info (I had a 'friend' who commented on whether it was worth 'all the fuss' - we no longer speak). Also don't bring up news reports etc. you've seen about fertility and ivf, chances are she's seen them as is happy to go with what they're saying or wishes to ignore them.

When we did ivf I just wanted to let off steam to my closest friends, I no doubt bored them senseless about it but they were nothing short of supportive just by listening or providing sometimes welcome distractions!

The fact you've even posted on here shows you're a very considerate friend, so I guess you just need to be yourself with her.