Husband co-parenting secretly

[Hoping123]

Hi,
This is a complicated one, and not sure if anyone can help, but I would be really grateful for any advice/thoughts as it's going round and round in my head and I really don't know what to do for the best.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for three and a half years, it's been found he is fine but I have various problems and have had numerous scans and tests, clomid, an operation, a natural pregnancy that ended with an early miscarriage and so far one round of IVF that seemed to go well but was unsuccessful. I feel I have done everything I can to try to have a baby so far, I'm not sure how much more medical stuff and sadness I can deal with but I know my husband has a really overwhelming desire for a child and my feelings are not as strong but I would still love us to have a baby.

However I have found that he is pursuing co-parenting and has met women without being open with me about this (and knowing I don't want him to pursue it). I feel that's such a breach of trust to our marriage and to me. We have some frozen embryos and I also feel very responsible that we created them and should try to use them, but in another way I'm not sure we should if this is how things are between us. We have talked about the situation and argued about it but I feel my trust in him is lost and I feel in a way wrong to stay but I don't want to go either.

I have told him before that if I can't have children I would want him to go and have a baby with someone else, I say that out of love for him and as I can see he will never be happy without a baby and I can't see us working if we don't. But with the co-parenting firstly it hurts that he would do that and secondly to not be honest about it. I really don't know, if I loved him enough would I be ok with him doing that, is it fair enough he pursues it as I have not been able to give him what he wants, or is he really out of order? I can see it from his side but don't think he sees it from mine. I think he sees it as a way to stay with me and have a baby, but to me I don't think he can have it both ways. But I may not have the right to feel that. So confused, upset and hurt.

Um, one relationship at a time. He's effectively proposing bigamy.

You, with the possibility of no children. Or ending that and finding someone else who wants and can have his children - if he can. In that order.

Have you been given a diagnosis? If you have frozen embryos then surrogacy seems like the logical next step if carrying them is the medical issue.

This isn't boding well for your relationship.

I think it is the difficulty in knowing who the fertility issue lies with.
And how far each person would go with treatment.
Personally i would have the donor eggs or the surrogacy to have the baby and would hope my OH would have had the donor sperm, because i would feel it unfair to deny the other person the chance of a baby.
I wouldnt have wanted to miss out on what i have now. But understand it may have felt strange if the baby was not mine/his.
You have frosties that is great. No reason for that not to work. They would need to transfer lots to say its an implantation fault, so you just need to keep trying.
Im sure his baby with someone else would be much more expensive than several ivfs.
Even if on the face of it you need ivf for you doesnt mean that his sperm are not less than ideal.
How old are you?

naty1 - I am 35. I know from all the tests we have had and the IVF last time that the issues are on my side. I have quite a lot of guilt about that but unfortunately I had no idea until we started trying, my medical history up to then showed no signs. We were both so excited when we started, it's just really sad that it's come to this. I completely understand what you say about denying someone the chance of a baby, I feel that very much, but I also feel I have already put myself and him and us through a lot of treatment, maybe more than we have been able to cope with or ever thought we would need. We can keep trying but whether we should stay together and keep going given all this stuff is something I have to think about seriously.

hoping I've never posted on this type of thread, I stick to the infertility threads. However this struck me as so so sad a situation. We've been ttc a yr and a half, early days compared to some, so understand the stress it puts on a relationship. One thing that comes across is that you very much love your dp & just how sad and exhausted you feel.

The question id like to ask you is do you want a future/family with this man? He may love you, but he loves himself more. This is not real love or a healthy love. Your going to hell and back to give him what he wants & he's off organising a back up plan. He's treating you like livestock for breeding with, when that's proving more difficult than he expected hes bailing out.

With assisted conception &/or newborn it's only going to get tougher. Can you rely on him? What if you or the child has health issues, will he cope?

I'm so so sorry, I know you love him but he sounds like an utter selfish shit. When struggling with relationship decisions I think what advice would I give to a friend? I then follow that advice. This is all massive, take your time, decide what's best for you!

I think you're right. You shouldn't try to go ahead with a family until these issues are sorted out. At the end of the day, your DP will be with just you one day. Children are in the house a relatively short period of time and they deserve parents who have a strong marriage. What your DP has done is underhand and disloyal. If he can't even see that, I'm not sure how you would work together as a tight unit when you are parents.