Husband co-parenting secretly

[Hoping123]

Hi,
This is a complicated one, and not sure if anyone can help, but I would be really grateful for any advice/thoughts as it's going round and round in my head and I really don't know what to do for the best.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for three and a half years, it's been found he is fine but I have various problems and have had numerous scans and tests, clomid, an operation, a natural pregnancy that ended with an early miscarriage and so far one round of IVF that seemed to go well but was unsuccessful. I feel I have done everything I can to try to have a baby so far, I'm not sure how much more medical stuff and sadness I can deal with but I know my husband has a really overwhelming desire for a child and my feelings are not as strong but I would still love us to have a baby.

However I have found that he is pursuing co-parenting and has met women without being open with me about this (and knowing I don't want him to pursue it). I feel that's such a breach of trust to our marriage and to me. We have some frozen embryos and I also feel very responsible that we created them and should try to use them, but in another way I'm not sure we should if this is how things are between us. We have talked about the situation and argued about it but I feel my trust in him is lost and I feel in a way wrong to stay but I don't want to go either.

I have told him before that if I can't have children I would want him to go and have a baby with someone else, I say that out of love for him and as I can see he will never be happy without a baby and I can't see us working if we don't. But with the co-parenting firstly it hurts that he would do that and secondly to not be honest about it. I really don't know, if I loved him enough would I be ok with him doing that, is it fair enough he pursues it as I have not been able to give him what he wants, or is he really out of order? I can see it from his side but don't think he sees it from mine. I think he sees it as a way to stay with me and have a baby, but to me I don't think he can have it both ways. But I may not have the right to feel that. So confused, upset and hurt.

Thanks for all the replies, has given me lots to think. I wasn't expecting many replies but am really grateful.

Regarding adoption I was initially keen but my husband really wants a child that is biologically his and now I'm not so sure, about surrogacy not sure how I could deal with someone else carrying the baby and with egg donors etc, just not sure how far I would go and how much more treatment I can take. Which maybe means I don't want it enough to put myself through it all and keep going year after year.

Anyfucker - not women I know (thankfully I think).
Quinteszilla - thanks, you seem very wise.
rabbitrisen - I think your first post was right, I have thought about that.
Dranksangriainthepark - I posted it here as not sure people not going through infertility would understand as much.
HopefulHamster - really glad it worked out for you in the end.

If you trust your husband and you are entirely happy with him fathering, and then parenting, a child outside of your marriage....then go ahead.

But I doubt you are.

And I would also venture to say that any man who truly unconditionally loved his wife, would accept a childless marriage rather than put her in this position.

And that's me being generous. Because what I said first, and what AF says, still goes.

Do you actually think you would have a normal healthy relationship with your husband when he is "co-parenting" his child?

What would your husband do/say if you told him you didn't want him to do this?

I cannot fathom how you would struggle more with surrogacy than him 'co-parenting' within your marriage and excluding you.

Without wishing to be brutal OP, I cannot envisage a single scenario where his 'plan' works out for you. Your marriage WILL fail.

God Lord - this is unbelievable. What a breach of trust. I'm speechless.

Please don't let him normalise this with you and make you feel unreasonable for not agreeing to it. It's not just the "co-parenting" but the secrecy that's the issue

What if you hadn't found out? S he just going to start being unavailable at weekends etc?

Your husband isn't man enough to say he wants a baby more than a marriage with you with no kids. I would leave him tbh. You aren't 100% you even want a child, certainly don't have one to keep this idiot.

Having kids can be really hard. Knackering, expensive, etc etc and that is fine when you wanted them!

I can totally understand not wanting to put yourself through it OP. I had a scary diagnosis that could mean not being able to carry a child to term (I am pregnant now so still waiting to see how far I get, if you see what I mean) - I could've paid £3k for an op to potentially fix it but I didn't want any more intrusive (not the right word) treatment. I've been through it too many times already.

But if your husband is insistent on having a child regardless of your welfare you would be better off apart from him - where is the love and respect for you.

I am sorry though, I know it's easier to say than to act on, and I know this can't be easy to hear. I'd be so so hurt.

you say you don't know how you would feel about surrogacy, another women carrying the baby etc, but is the situation you describe any better?! it sounds hellish.
At least with surrogacy yes it wont be your biological child but you will BOTH be raising it from day one.

He sounds like a bully and a control freak - he NEEDS to co-parent HIS - wtf?

I pity any poor woman who has his child, and the child itself. His motivations are not a desire to love and raise a child. He wants to control one.

Your H sounds cruel and unloving.

My situation is slightly different as I have 2 DC from a previous relationship. My DH has been very closely involved in raising them and they have a loving relationship...however thanks to a grotty court battle with my ex he has no parental rights or guardianship etc.

We are now going through IVF as I have a tube problem which stopped us getting pg naturally...but along the whole journey he has constantly reassured me that he has his family (me),& even without our own children he is happier than he ever thought he could be. I had a lot of guilt and worry for ages (he is only 28) but I do believe him.

A man who would prefer children with someone else, than be potentially childless with the woman he 'loves', does not deserve anything, sorry.

Run.

This is so heartbreaking to read , my ex used to say to me that I wasn't a proper woman and that he was going to find some one else who could give him a baby in arguments that really hurt and ended the relationship but he would never of done this , he is being completely selfish and not thinking of you or your feelings at all , your meant to be on this journey together ! You need to get rid of the a hole and be with someone who wants you and only you children or no children , so selfish !!

Hi hoping,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth, my husband is desperate for a baby and we are struggling with IVF etc due to my issues. I have Also suggested to him that he can find someone else if things don't work out so I understand what u are going through. However, we have agreed that if we can't use my eggs eventually we will use donor eggs- that's the compromise I am prepared to make if I have to, and in no way would I expect him to go ahead and do what your husband is suggesting to you. Saying that, we both want a child so perhaps thats the difference.
However, I cannot imagine how what your husband is suggesting would work long term and day to day without causing major issues between you.

Do you think that he wants a child more than you?
Has he been in a partnership before?

To echo everyone else I think you've had a lucky escape.

Get out now!!

He doesn't love you, he loves himself, he is selfish and cruel.
OP there will be a loving, honest man out there for you I promise who will love and cherish you with no conditions
Please ditch and move on

Holy mackerel what a mess. OP I really feel for you here. Do you really think your DH would choose a baby with another woman over you! Or over a baby with you! Absolutely heartbreaking. I think you need to have a very big discussion together.

God that sounds like the worst possible solution.

So his plan is to have a child with someone else and what? Leave you at the weekends to go have fun with the child and then come home to you and carry on normal lives?

Who will pay for the child, will maintenance come from your joint finances?

Just as an add on it's okay to say enough is enough in regards to treatment. If it's all getting on top of you, you can put the brakes on. Even if you just took time out for 6 months or a year to think things and options through.

Oh dear. I have to say I don't quite get the co-parenting stuff. Surely if he is parenting that child, he will have to spend time with that dc, be in close contact with the mum (that he doesn't know, nor does he know how she is planning to parent etc...). I see that as a nightmare waiting to happen.
And then on the top of it, you are suppose to stay out of it? How is that suppose to work? every other weekend, you have to get out of the house so he can 'parent' HIS child???
That's worse than a step parent situation, which can be a nightmare to deal with.

Seriously, I work closely with women with fertility problems and whilst it is very clear that it puts a lot of strain on the relationship, I had never come across something like this.
Surely before looking at that, you would look at egg donation, doing the 3 (and not just one) round of IVF, use the frozen eggs (which means that your IVF cycle was quite good btw!). And then think about adoption or the co-parenting thingy.

And yes you are right to feel that it is not right to do that behind your back, He is 1- breaching your trust, 2- telling you he isn't confident you can get pregnant, 3- showing you that he can only think about himself. Just as much it is a hard situation for him, I am sure it is hard for you too.

I can imagine the reaction if he was the one who is infertile and you were going behind his back to get some sperm and get pregnant....

And YY to put things on hold or say 'enough is enough'. You are the one going through the treatment. It isn't gentle.

On a practical level how on earth could this ever work? What does he mean by co-parent? What %of his time would he plan to give to raising his potential. Would you have to ship out when it sleeps over?
Utterly ridiculous.

....Raising his potential child.

Thanks for all the views. I will probably miss some questions but i'll try to respond as I appreciate you have all taken time to comment.

Dranksangriainthepark - no, I don't think we could have a normal relationship if he does this and I have pointed this out to him.

Like lots of people have said, it would cause a lot of issues with us.
Rabbitrisen - I think he wants a child more than I want a child, I think he probably also wants a child more than he wants me but won't admit it. He has been in partnerships before but somewhat ironically never felt ready for kids then which was mainly I think why one of them didn't work out.

In terms of how it would work practically, I think he thinks he would go to see the child, not that the child would come to our place. And he would see them some weekends and birthdays etc. To be honest I doubt he has thought very far ahead, I'm always the one who worries about the details

ThisisLID - I'm not sure how much more treatment I can take and if I would go as far as surrogacy having to see someone carry the baby and adoption I was keen on but DH really wants a biological child and I'm not sure now how I feel about adoption. Donor eggs and so on I think are going too far for me, it took me a while to get my head round IVF and I still have some concerns about it and how many embryos are made and don't make it etc, all the ones that didn't make it were special to me and caused me pain to think of them being 'disposed of in the lab' as the clinic put it.

ChattyCat78 - I think I have already made my compromise with IVF and I can only go as far as I feel comfortable with.

Who the actual fuck thinks this is a situation a child should be born in to? He needs to either end your marriage and have a child with someone else or focus on your marriage, whether that means having children or not.

I'm pretty disgusted that someone would do this. WTF kind of society are we living in?

Just as one more point - I went through a very aggressive separation from my ex when my youngest child was only 6 months old...it was a very abusive relationship and I was glad to be away BUT the impact it had on my daughter (4 at the time) was awful. They see their biological dad one day a month (which is still too much) but its taken a LOT of tears and stress to get to that stage.....I think any adult who CHOOSES to enter into a parental role knowing full well that child will always have separated patents is an idiot - & one that couldn't care less about the needs of a child. I've honestly never heard anything more ridiculous than this...I really feel for you OP but I'm not sure I could continue a relationship with someone like that!

but somewhat ironically never felt ready for kids then which was mainly I think why one of them didn't work out.

Trying to be magnaminous, but is there a slight possibility that he wants this relationship to work, so now is going all out the other way, no matter how ridiculous the idea?

To be honest I doubt he has thought very far ahead, I'm always the one who worries about the details.

I am beginning to think that he may just be very daft, rather than anything else??