I'm so confused

[Pinkdolphin82]

I've been with my husband 8 years, married 6. We have been trying for a baby for 7 years and 5 years ago found out that we would need IVF due to problems with both of us. I was told I would need to loose weight first, because of my depression it has taken me until now to get my mind focused and since the end of January I've lost almost 2 stone.

A month ago we looked after our 9 month old nephew for 4 days and day after we took him home my husband turned around and said he longer wants a child ever. He says that having our nephew made him realise how dependant on your time they are and how you have to constantly watch them. I told him that was a selfish reason.
Since then my husband says we should split up, that my choices are be with him and accept I will never have a child or leave and find someone else.
I don't want anyone else, when I said my marriage vows I meant them.

IVF may not even work for us and if that's the case in time I would come to terms with that but for him to take away my chance at it is heart breaking.

The one thing I've ever wanted is to be a mum, when I was 12 my mum just didn't bother with my youngest brother and I practically raised him.

I love my husband so much but already I can feel myself starting to resent him.

I'm almost 32 and feel my window of motherhood is slowly closing

I feel so lost.

How terrible for you :( I don't know what to say to make you feel better.

Have you sat with him and discussed the fact that it's different when it's your own child? It's one if those things you can't force him but you only live once and it sounds like this decision with impact negatively on your marriage and you wil end up resenting him anyway.x

I have said to him how different it will be when it's his own child. I just don't understand why his mind has changed so strongly, it was him that suggested we start trying in the first place. I love him so much and we have been through so much together (last year he took 2 overdoses).
I don't want to loose him but the urge to be a mum is so strong in me, and I can't bear the thought of him with someone else.

What a horrible situation to find yourself in, I didn't want to read and run.

The only thing I can say is that if someone had handed me a nine month old to look after for four days before I had my own I would have found it a major shock to the system and probably wondered how on earth anyone did parenthood without losing all of their marbles completely and was I cut out for it? I'd have had The Fear in a big way! I think what I'm saying is that nature is cunning and we are far more hard wired to respond (and be glad to) with our own. Another consideration is that the development of a child from tiny baby, and the parenting journey we go on, seems (from my limited experience) to go in stages each of which to some extent builds on the last and prepares you for the next. Perhaps you could try and get that accross to him?

I guess I'd understand if our nephew was a nightmare but he wasn't. He slept through the night. Didn't cry once. Smiled and giggled the entire time. He was a joy to be around.

Your DH is right- children DO take up all of your time and do need to be constantly watched. A few days with a nephew isn't parenthood but it is a snapshot and if he really doesn't like what he's seen at least he's been honest with you and let you know how he feels. You know your husband best- is he likely to change his mind?-the total turnaround from IVF to never any children based on a few days babysitting seems extreme.
If he doesn't change his mind, will you? Only you can know if you have to be a mother. So sorry this has happened, it must be terrible but if you have fertility issues you might not have years and years to wait for a change of heart. Is there something else going on?? It just seems such a radical change. I would also be deeply worried about his mental health- last year is not that long ago really.

I do think he blames himself for his low sperm count. I've never blamed him for it and I've recently been diagnosed with PCOS.

What an awful situation for you to be in. This sounds like quite a kneejerk decision on his part, do you think his mind is absolutely made up? Might couple counselling be an option to get to the bottom of things, and as posted above, is there something else going on?? Health issues perhaps?

Congratulations on your weight loss. I wonder if you taking real action to move things forward has made him seriously think about it as an option.

Didn't want to read and run, but I waited for an ex to come round to the idea of kids, he didn't, and eventually the relationship ended. My new partner and I both really want kids but at 37 it's not quite that easy. I wish I'd either have forced the issue or left my ex earlier. Time is precious. Best of luck to you.

You are still young and have plenty of time. However, if he ODed twice last year,suggesting depression issues, it may be that the babysitting triggered something about his own childhood. He needs to make his mental health a priority, and after investment in this he may find himself able to be a father.

I have said to him that so much has gone on and we are the important ones for now. There is still so far to go for us to get on IVF list but for know he is my priority but he keeps pushing me to make a decision about our future.

I really feel for you. I have got a similar thread going. I have no advice but just wanted to post to say I know how you feel. My DH also blames himself for the position we are in, he has also said he doesn't think he wants children now and talks about divorce. We are going to fertility couples counseling and it is useful to talk to someone else about it. Take care of yourself.

I have a 22m old and can see what he is saying its exhausting having a child ... But its a process. Awful at birth till sitting, get better when crawling etc.
For me not matter how difficult looking after DD has been. Only napping on me till 9m. Awful teething. Etc it has all been worth it the icsi we did to have her. The 3 years of stress and appointments. She is so much better already.
If you had handed me my DD as even my own baby it would have been offputting.
I would be angry too if my OH changed his mind. Mine did about ttc#2 for a bit.
I also pointed out if we were a usual couple we wouldnt be able to change our minds as we'd be pregnant already.
But maybe ivf would be too stressful for your OH if he is already depressed.
Well done on the weight loss. Keep it up, the pcos might go away. The clinic gave us stats showing ivf was more successful at better weights.
Is your OH overweight? Mine is but they could never confirm the cause of his low count