ivf - sadness re "spare" embryos

[jessikaka]

we have 2 beautiful dc and used ivf for the second dc. we now have a number of left over embryos and not sure re using them. I just feel so sad and anxious whenever I think about it.

If we could conceive naturally we would have had 3 or 4 children. But we have spent a lot (emotionally and financially) enlarging our family to 2 and now we just don't know what to do. I think I will always have a sadness if we just abandon the other embryos though. Although if ivf were successful again we would still be in the same situation with less over embryos possibly. (ivf worked first time and we have 10 embryos left)
I would be grateful for any views on how others have dealt with this. x

[SpaceKoala]

Hi. Not the same numbers, but we had 1 embryo left following successful Ivf. My twins are now 2 and a half
We thought about the frozen embryo a lot, of me it was not an option not to give it a go.. But that's a very personal thing..
Our one didn't defrost well
10 is a high number though.. A friend had quite a few embryos left and the clinic suggested to defrost all, think there were about 6, 3 day embryos, see how they develop and put one or two of the best ones back. Only one made it to day 6 following the defrosting process. It didn't implant but she feels like she has done all she can.
Same for me in a way, was very sad when defrosting didn't go well, especially as we will not have a chance to do further Ivf attempts.. Simply can't afford..
But very grateful for what we have
And, as I did egg sharing, knowing the lady I shared with also had twins makes me very happy.

[keepitgoing]

hi jess. our ivf worked first time too, dd is 13 weeks we have three frosties and I can't stop thinking about them. we aren't using contraception as that seems crazy but I feel I want to give them all a chance. and then think four children would be too many...

sorry I'm no help. I am trying to think of them as cells not babies pre bfp.

[principalitygirl]

I have one child from IVF and 3 frosties. We're thinking about trying for another baby and will try FET as I couldn't bear to leave those embies if I were to conceive naturally. DH would be happy to try naturally and then if successful, donate the embryos to another couple or to
research. I wish I felt the same but I feel a duty to them. My ideal
scenario is that one frostie becomes baby number two and the others don't survive defrost. That'd be the least difficult scenario both ethically and emotionally. It's unlucky unlikely to happen though.

[JokersGiggle]

If you give any to research then the stem cells will prob be sold off to the beauty industry for high end facials.......horrible.
I once asked my aunt (who has no children......) What made her skin so soft and wrinkle free and she say cream that contains stem cells. Was interested so looked into it and turns out the beauty industry buys "unwanted" ones and.puts parts onto beauty products.......felt sick after reading that.
Suppose HRT I'd also rather horrific........

[PeaceEagle]

The time limit on storing our four embryos is up this year. We can't possibly use them or donate them for a number of reasons so they will either be destroyed or used for research. I am trying not to let myself think about it at the moment as I am scared of the devastation I am going to feel.

[JokersGiggle]

Maybe have them distroyed then plant a tree or something for them? x

[orangeone]

After successful IVF for our DD1 and assisted conception / pregnancy (although conceived naturally) for DD2, we had 2 frozen day 5 embryos left. The storage period was up and we didn't want a third child so we spoke to the clinic and donated ours to a very specific research programme they were running to improve the success of IVF protocols so we could help other couples who had been through the awfulness that is infertility. We deliberately did not sign any consent for stem cell research. I still think about them as well as my 4 babies lost to MC and when we do the garden later this year, we are going to plant a tree for them in memory. That just felt / feels the right thing for us as a couple. It's a very personal choice, so best wishes for whatever you decide.

[Manda472]

We too have recently had this decision to make . Our situation was after 10 ivf goes (our first and last worked) we had 3 frosties. But to be honest our lives have moved on and as much as I treasured being pregnant I just could go through all that again, physically or financially. So it was either destroy or donate, so we donated. I know that this is totally the right thing to do but it makes me feel so sad. That part of my life is definitely over and secretly I don't want it to be. Also I think after all those goes I'm probably on the brink of the menopause, cycles all up the wall, so it's even harder.
But I have handsome DS and beautiful dd so have everything to be thankful for......I just have to put them to the back of my mind now

[givemeaclue]

Could you donate them? You know the heartache of infertility, could you help someone else?

[stuckindamiddle]

I know nothing about embryo donation. Is it allowed in the UK and how do you arrange it etc? I know you can donate sperm and eggs but didn't know about embryos.

[PotteringAlong]

www.ngdt.co.uk/embryo-donation

[Eggwhisk]

We recently had to make this decision with our 3 frosties, we have 3 children now so having another one just wasn't an option. I kept putting the decision off and ignoring hospital phone calls as I just didn't want to make the decision. In the end we opted for letting them perish we couldn't donate them due to genetic conditions so we felt this was the best option for us. I felt much better once the decision was made though, and I'm so thankful for our wonderful dc and like Manda I've put it to the back of my mind now.xx

[Mouldypineapple]

Would they give them to you? Sounds weird but when I had a miscarriage I found it helpful to bury the embryo (in a family grave). At least if you were able to do that rather than have them discarded it acknowledges their significance to you?
Hope this doesn't offend anyone. Not been in this position myself but a very close friend has and they had theirs destroyed, but found it very emotional.

[Onsera3]

Thinking about my frostie all the time now. Just had to go pay storage costs after 2 years free.

My cycle hasn't returned yet as I am extended bf DS. But I can feel some cyclical pain and I'm aware there's a slim chance I could get preg. Would be wonderful to have a natural conception but then what about frostie?

We are planning to move abroad and I want to try a FET before we leave at the end of the year. Frostie is a 5 day blastocyst so we have a good chance of success.

I feel a duty to give that little blastocyst a go. I also think that frostie and DS could be like two peas from the same pod.

Before my IVF cycle I worried about having more than I could use and looked at the donation rules but it's anonymous. I'd like to know their progress.

I don't think anyone can understand the emotional ties we have to these cells. Not even DH completely understands.

[stuckindamiddle]

Onsera - I have those same feelings. We have 3 5 day blasts frozen and I feel a duty to them to use them rather than conceive naturally if that's even possible. But we only want two children so will likely have a difficult decision to make at some point.
My OH wants to try naturally for a few months before doing FET but has agreed with my approach instead. His preference for any leftover that we don't need is to donate them to another couple ideally and second preference is for research. But I can't feel comfortable with either. Like you I'd want to know how they got on if another couple had them. Research seems a waste and I can't contemplate letting them perish. I'm glad we don't have more than we have but when doing IVF it's a tricky balance between wanting to maximise your chances of success by having a decent number of eggs vs not having too many to freeze. IMHO some private clinics especially are v irresponsible in stimming people far too much leading to lots of spare and ultimately unused embryos.

[truelymadlysleepy]

The way I look at it is this; if it hadn't been for research then IVF wouldn't have worked for me. I don't want to use the fro sties but if research helps another couple have a much longed for baby why not?

[stuckindamiddle]

That's why my OH says truely..

[orangeone]

And how we felt truly