Friend has had failed IVF and needs support - advice please!

[MrsGee2013]

Hello
I am new to Mumsnet, hope you can give me a bit of advice?

My very good friend tragically had a stillbirth about 4 years ago and has tried IVF a few times since then which has been unsuccessful. She is now talking about surragocy and she recently mentioned if I would be willing to be a surragote for her. I recently got married and we want to start trying for children in a year so I know this wouldnt be right for me but I know how desperate she is, I want to support her but I know that I cant do this. When she asked me I said I wouldn't be able to do it as I want my own kids first before doing something like that [sorry if I sound selfish] but when I told her she was very upset and now won't return my calls or emails. I feel so bad for her and if I could give her a baby I would but it just isnt in me - any advice on how I can support her and get her to see my point of view?
Thank you for your time x

my friend tried 4 times with ivf before she got pregnant.

i think you need to give your friend some time, she is obviously not thinking straight at the moment because it is such a huge thing to do, be a surrogate mum for someone, and you friend needs to realise this, it was a little selfish of her to expect you to do it. i would just let her know you are there and that you havent fallen out with her and that when she is ready to talk you will be ok with that, in a couple of days if you havent heard from her then contact her again.

she may be upset with you or she may just be embarrased that she asked you. i think she probably needs some counselling or at the very least discuss her feelings with her gp/consultant

I know a few friends who have had IVF - and two who had stillbirths so can appreciate her desperation in having a baby, it can be soul destroying! She has put herself, relationship and body through so much!

How old is she out of interest? One friend was 42 when she finally had success with IVF such a wonderful moment! still makes me cry with happiness for them!

I think the best thing to do is explain how you are planning your own family and that the time is not right - she may find that she will fall pregnant naturally if she stopped putting herself (and husband) under so much pressure and start to enjoy their relationship again (not saying she doesn't) but many do have issues afterwards.

Would she be interested in adoption? - so many unwanted babies perhaps that is something to discuss with her.

There are people who offer surrogacy - perhaps if she is serious she could look into this - depending on how close your relationship is offer her as much help and support as she wants!

I would definitely say you are planning on starting a family so if you do get pregnant it will not surprise her. Also have an open honest conversation around how she may feel - if she wants distance, that is fine just never close the door on the relationship!

One of the hardest conversations I ever had was with my best friend - her IVF had failed and I had just found out I was pregnant - I live aboard so I had wanted to tell her face to face, my heart broke for her when she told me!

But she has had success now!

Listen and support - ask her what she needs and have open honest conversation! x

sorry just read her reaction - send her a card - tell her you love her, that you are so sorry she is going though a painful time, that you will always be there for her and that you realise she needs time and that you are honoured that she thought you good enough to be carry her child - leave it at that!

Just like to agree with above poster - it is a very selfish thing to ask - she may be embrassessed! she could have had it all played out in her head!

good luck!

I think she is probably not thinking straight. It is a huge thing to ask of someone. I think you just have to let her know that you are there for her and let her come round in her own time.

Please don't suggest adoption to her. There are not lots of cute unwanted babies around just waiting to be adopted. A lot of adoptees have significant physical or mental health problems and are older children with difficult pasts. There are some babies but there may well be a long wait. Adoption is a wonderful thing but should be looked at for itself, not as an easy solution to failed fertility treatment. You have to wait a while after fertility treatment to enter the adoption process anyway. If adoption is right for her, she will consider it in her own time.

thank you all for your comments. I left her a voicemail to say that if she wants to talk I am here and I am sorry I can't help her in being a surragote but that she should maybe talk to her GP about her feelings and possible alternative options. I think you are probably right and that she is a bit embarassed but I am sure it will pass. She is now 43 so she knows time isn't on her side but that's not to mean it won't happen. My husband's mum was 46 when she had him and it was natural so you never know!
Thank you for your help :)