Unwilling to surrogate my infertile sister

[TohnoE]

My sister recently found out that her womb is unable to support a baby. She recently married a man from a large family. She is trying to find a surrogate but is having no luck so far and she has asked me.
I have already has 3 DD's so my sister assumes that I would be okay with another pregnancy. However, I have a good well-paid job that would stop me earning a lot of money from the time I would have to take off. Not only that but I feel uncomfortable having someone else's baby in me, even if it is my sisters.
I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to do it, as she has been wanting a baby for years. Will she think me selfish for denying her of children when I had 3 of my own?

It's a tough call to make for your sisters emotions, but you are entirely within your rights to make that call. i couldn't be a surrogate either and I hope your sister has realised what she has asked of you.

Big un-mumsnetty hug.

She may think you selfish, because infertility can make you resentful and illogical (OK, it made me resentful and illogical....) but you are not selfish to not want to do it. Being a surrogate should, imo, be done for the right reasons - a guilt trip is not one of them.

I think you have to be honest with her. She can ask, and you can say no.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks it is a huge commitment that you don't wish to take. You are literally risking your health/life, career and possibily marriage when undertaking such a thing.

Lots of women would do it in a heartbeat. I would for my sister. I still might, she's struggling to TTC and I have 3DC. I would love to give birth to my niece or nephew. But that's me. It's you that would have the slog doing something you didn't want to do.

She has no right to expect it but my God I would hope my sister would do it for me. But hey ho.

You are not selfish. Becoming a surrogate for anyone is a huge decision but to have that weight placed upon you by family out of guilt that you are able to conceive and she can't? I think that's far too much and you obviously really have reservations. It wouldn't be the right thing to do for you and that's what matters here. I'm not saying your sister's needs and wishes aren't important but it's a huge thing to ask and so your feelings come first in this situation.

I'd show your sister that there are options - other surrogates etc. Has she looked into adoption or has ruled that out?

If you're not comfortable with the idea then no-one should even try to persuade you to do this. It's a huge thing to ask of anyone and should be done whole-heartedly or not at all.

If it was just the money issue, I'd be saying different because this is not a big enough issue to stop someone from doing this, and it would be perfectly reasonable to expect even a sister to compensate you for lost earnings. But that's not the only issue and it's not selfish of you if you don't feel right about doing it. YOU are not denying her children, nature has, sadly, already done that. You are choosing not to make a huge sacrifice which would have knock-on effects on your own health and your family. It's not unreasonable of her to ask, but it's perfectly reasonable for you to decline and neither the asking nor the refusing should be allowed to damage your relationship.

You are not selfish at all. I can completely understand the reasons why you feel you could not do it.

This is coming from me as someone who is looking for a surrogate. Please don't even feel guilty a not doing this. A few of our friends have said they feel like they should be able to be our surrogates and can't. I always explain that being a surrogate is such a huge thing, physically emotionally and financially that it has to be something that you want to do, not feel you have to. It will change dynamics forever.

If you do decide to do this, even as family she will have to compensate you for any financial losses and it will change your relationship. Suggest the organisations out there cots/ SUK where she will over time find someone she gets on with to be their surrogate.

If I'm honest for us it is probably easier looking for someone who has already made the decision to be a surrogate, than family who feel they have to do it and things could become strained