Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Flip

Original poster

I am a BAD person

12 replies

holls2000 · 06/02/2013 19:49

And I apologise profusely. I used to be a nice, kind, thoughtful person. But since ttc I have become HORRIBLE. when I was in hospital having the second mc of last year, my best friend texted me a photo of her new baby. I know she meant nothing by it and it was just her excitement but I was so hurt that she had not thought that perhaps a text with name, weight might have been better than a photo.

Today another really good friend (who knows we have been trying and trying) has posted on fb that they are pg. I know I am being unreasonable but I am so hurt that she didn't think to text to say that they were having a baby - they are coming to stay next weekend.

Now, I realise that I sound like a right cow, but I'm really, really not. I used to get so excited when friends were pregnant. Now i resent them and wish that they would all think about us who are really struggling - I would think about them in the same situation. Does it ever end? Or am i totally abnormal in feeling this way?

i have tried giving myself a stern talking to - and believe me I thought I was doing well. But I am avoiding a friend's wedding because I know there will be babies there.

See? BAD BAD BAD PERSON. Can't tell my OH as he will just tut. Sorry, the need to offload was just too great. xx

OP posts:

mrscog · 06/02/2013 19:54

:( Sorry for your losses.

You are not a bad person, you are just experiencing bad emotions, which you are aware of and you know are not really fair on your friends. But you can't help what you feel.

Have you tried any form of counselling to help you through this time? It is perfectly normal to experience these emotions, but maybe some expert help might help you manage them. It is sad (for you) to have to avoid a wedding because of the babies and so your troubles are beginning to rule your life.

I really hope you have luck with TTC soon.

Original poster

holls2000 · 06/02/2013 19:57

thanks - I truly am generally fine, until the big pg announcements get made and then I run for the hills. I'm a primary school teacher so it's not like I don't see lots of little kids every day - it's just the closeness of friends babies that makes it so hard :-(. We'll get there.....

OP posts:

MrsMangoBiscuit · 06/02/2013 20:00

If you were a "bad person" you wouldn't be worrying if you were bad person, you'd be certain that you were in the right and that your friends were just being bitches! You sound like a perfectly normal person going through a bad time and feeling understandably shaken by it. Go easy on yourself. I really hope everything comes right for you soon.

GiveoverGove · 06/02/2013 20:05

You are most definitely not a ad person. I felt the same way when TTC and suffering recurrent miscarriages. I avoided I resented I cried I asked why me and why number 3 on the first shot for them. I was transformed into the person you describe. My poor friend tried for 2 years during which time her sister had number 3 and number 4 by accident. She was well on the way to never seeing her sister ever again until she conceived by IVF. It is so normal to compare. I had to delete my Facebook account until we finally had a baby ( we are sooo lucky) as I was throwing my phone across the room at the sight of scan pics and baby weights. Unless you've been rough it you never be able to understand the pain of those things. I wish you all the best - keep trying. It was fourth time lucky for me.

GiveoverGove · 06/02/2013 20:07

Do what you have to do and make up lies ( better than the truth obv!) and in my experience don't expect our OH to understand a singe thing you're feeling. I had to keep it from him too in the end as he was getting frustrated with me.

Original poster

holls2000 · 06/02/2013 21:45

Thank you - now I feel better!!! My OH thinks I am a nutter, I'm sure of it. it's ok for him, he's an emotional void. I'm just too much the other way.

Suspect facebook will have to go soon - I have already set it to hide pregnant people's status updates. Bit nervous about this weekend really and having pg person in the house!!! xx

OP posts:

RubyrooUK · 06/02/2013 22:39

You are not a bad person at all. The terrible thing about TTC is it brings out all kinds of very raw emotions and makes it hard to be generous.

I've been on both sides.

When I had fertility problems with DS1 (took us three years & treatment to conceive) I found it increasingly hard to see friends get pregnant. It hurt so much.

Then I talked about it with DH. He said he was confident we would have a family and no other couple could have OUR baby. He said that he found it hard sometimes but never wanted to stop being happy for people because nobody could have the baby we wanted but us.

I still found it very hard but tried never to express my true feelings to my friends. I never stopped seeing them because it was hardly their fault that they could conceive when I couldn't. When things got hard, I detached for a little bit, thought about how they could not have MY baby and then was able to cope again.

I was lucky enough to have DS1. And now am pregnant (amazingly without treatment) with DS2.

Recently a friend told me that she couldn't be happy for me being pregnant because she is struggling to conceive. She doesn't want to see me right now. I haven't done any Facebook announcements etc but obviously I don't want to lie about being pregnant.

Although I understand her feelings, I still love her and feel sad that a friendship forged over many years and relationships could end because I was lucky enough to conceive.

So don't feel bad about your feelings OP. The TTC process can be so soul destroying. It is so difficult to deal with. I hope things improve for you soon.

highlove · 07/02/2013 07:32

You're not a bad person - I hope not anyway because if you are I am too! I feel exactly the same way. I know it's totally irrational but infertility/miscarriage/failed treatment has turned me into someone I wouldn't have recognised three years ago. I'm seeing a counsellor now which does help a bit...she reassures me that this is natural way to feel and won't last forever - you will get you back one day. I have to trust in her that that is right.

Because I know I'm being ridiculous when, for example, I feel my slightly put out when anyone who knows dares mention pregnancy in my presence! My best friend and her DH are coming to stay this weekend and I am dreading it because I've convinced myself they're expecting again. I don't go out with friends half as much as I used to because everyone has babies and it's just too painful. And I feel totally resentful - not that I want anyone else to go through this, though I kind of wish they could just for a day so they could understand how the extent of what this does to you.

Kafri · 19/02/2013 05:19

you're defo not a bad person.

I was the same, it hurt every time a friend announced their happy news. it seemed like the whole world was having babies apart from me. what was worse for me was when young sibling's of friends announced they were expecting too.

eventually I managed ti bring myself round and realised that actually u was happier for them than most people were as I knew gow much it would mean to be in their shoes. others were mire like 'oh you're pg, thats nice, congratulations' whereas I knew how I would feel if it were me so was really pleased for them.

It didn't happen overnight but I got there.

dont beat yourself up over it and good luck . hope u get your happy ending. x

EllieCook · 19/02/2013 05:55

You are not bad, not even a little. Hurt, disappointed, sad, frustrated, sure, but bad, no. I think if you were bad, you wouldn't be here saying how you feel.

GeordieCherry · 19/02/2013 06:06

Yup, I was the same. I hated that it made me a bad friend. I was happy to people's faces & then went home & wept

I had acupuncture while ttc & treated her as someone totally on my side to chat to. I could tell her how sad & jealous I felt & she was just sympathetic & understanding. It was great

Sorry about the MC & stupid upsetting FB, people don't realise the impact on other people. Or, when they complain about pg symptoms. I think I did say "swap you!" more than once (whether I succeeded in being breezy is another story...)

Good luck with it all & I second getting some professional emotional support. Hope the weekend visit is ok

honey86 · 19/02/2013 12:40

aww hunni im sorry youve gone through that my SIL ttc for years and years only to miscarry, she was told she couldnt ov, and became v. depressed and bitter. im blessed with3 kids and think myself lucky. it was heartbreaking to see her go through all that hurt
she is now a proud mum of a baby girl after randomly falling preg and carrying to term, with no complications. of all the people who i knew personally, she deserved a baby the most and she got there in the end i really hope you get your turn soon xxx

Flip