Life without children.

[Karbea]

I hope this is the right topic place and I hope I don't bring things down...

DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, we had a failed ivf attempt in march at the argc, and we are talking about adoption but I 'think' my DH is less keen although he hasn't actually said that.

Anyway I'm home alone tonight, my girlfriends who are all single are off having a night out drinking cocktails, I popped onto the fertility friends website and the girls who cycled with me are now nearly due. I live in an area where I have no friends.

I'm looking ahead at my life and all I can see is a big hole, how are you going about accepting life without children?

The whole world seems focused around having children, even most tv ads have kids in them :s

Hi,

I am not sure if I am able to answer this but did not want your message to go unanswered. I have had recurrent miscarriages 8 weeks, 20 weeks, 6 weeks and 5 weeks. I also have no children.

I have good and bad days with regard to the children issue. I find it hard because we are now the only ones in our circle of friends without children and so that can be quite isolating. So I know your pain. I think you need to decide if you can live without children of your own. When I say of your own I am also including adoption. You say you feel your DH is not keen on adoption, why is that?

I guess I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am sure someone with wiser words will be along soon.

Hi lemon, I read your post below, I can't imagine how it feels to have had miscarriages. I know this may sound dreadful, but it's nice to hear someone in a similar position.

Tbh, I don't think it'll be a choice whether I'm able to live without children of my own or children at all, I think that it's not going to happen. I just don't really know how to handle that, iyswim. I mean who are you if you aren't a mum?
I'm sure I'll be flamed for this, but I struggle to see a purpose.

Hi Karbea, I know exactly how you feel. I went through this for years and was successful on my fifth try, into my forties. You sound a great deal younger than that. You will be successful one day, I'm sure of it. Visualisation techniques are a great help, and help to quieten the mind; yoga is also really great in terms of relaxing the mind and the body. Try to convince yourself that it won't be the next treatment you have but the one after that which will be successful, in order to alleviate the pressure one feels under when having the treatment. It is a horrible thing to go through.

I dont have any advice, but just to say that I understand and feel your pain. I wanted kids since before I even knew where they came from! I've had 2 miscarriages and not been able to get pregnant since, have been under hospital care for a year and a half with various tests and medication, and now have been told we need ivf, only the nhs wont fund it so I feel like I have a baby shaped hole in my life too and nothing comes close to anywhere near filling it. We started trying 4 years ago, and its all consuming, you cant think of anything else, and its horrible. I dont know how to even begin to accept life without children, but I would say to you dont ever give up if that is your dream - its very difficult I know that, but dont give up. Big hug xx

Hi Karbea

I'm sorry that your cycle didn't work in March.

I used to be on FF but left when we decided not to pursue IVF about a year ago. The lovely ladies I met would have gone to / did go to any lengths to have a baby, but I found the whole process very distressing so we decided to try and move on with our lives instead.

DH and I have started at uni as very mature students, which has given (me at least) a focus. I am enjoying my life again, and although I have the odd pang when I think that we'll never be parents, it's not all-consuming sorrow and grief.

Big hugs to you, whatever you decide. xxx

Hi all, thanks for replying.

Edith, I doubt we will do ivf again, my dh doesn't want to.

Sunny, I guess I need another focus, just not sure what that might be...

Mrsmoon, I get what you say about not giving up, but maybe at some point you have to, or maybe get another dream :S

Didn't want to read and run.

My situation is different but I empathise with how you feel. I am nearly 35 and single and also have a huge baby shaped hole in my life. I am currently saving up for fertility treatment. I feel really useless and empty most of the time.

I just wanted to say I really hope you get the things you want in the future.

Karbea, I have no idea what to say that could help, but your post made me so sad for you - and took me back to a very hard time in my own life.

It took me 10 years to get my children - six years to get the first. I spent half a decade ricocheting between hope and despair, and woke up on my 40th birthday in floods of tears, thinking, 'That's it, the dream's over, and I don't know how to go on with my life'.

Amazingly, I do now have two children (one through adoption) and they have changed my life so completely it is hard to think what life would have been without them. But a huge part of my coping strategy through that bleak half decade was to make myself have a twin-track vision of life with and without children. I wrote lists about the things I could do that would be much harder without children - the countries I would visit, the jobs I would do, the books I would write. They weren't wild fantasies, I made myself plan them realistically. They didn't seem to me as good as having children, but they were a very good consolation prize. I think it's really important to do this, to keep a sense of what else in life might be possible for you.

You may still have children. But, if you don't, you will have to do your mourning and then go forward and find your path. I wish you all the best.

Dear Karbea - I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. Remember your husband probably is, too, although men often don't/won't/can't talk about these things. Maybe he will come round -- 2 years is not very long (although I'm sure it seems like it) and the chances of succeeding with one IVF cycle are not very high generally.

We had lots of times of feeling like this over the 5 years it took us.

Some counselling might help you two decide on a way forward.

I'm sure you're aware of this anyway, but adoption services aren't very keen to take on couples who haven't given up hope of their own children/are still doing treatments.

karbea I agree with what others have said. Do you think it would help to have a couple of months where you are not TTC and see if that break makes any difference to how you are feeling? I have heard that it also helps to stop putting life on hold. I stopped booking holidays just in case I was pregnant then, now I realise that I just need to go ahead and book.

If you are sure that you do not want to continue TTC/adoption etc. Then may be some counselling will help. You could also write down all that you want to do that you can not do with children. Is there anything that you really want to do other than be a mum?

Karbea I was so sorry to read your post. I thought I'd offer a slightly different perspective.

I have a beloved aunt who had a very late, very awful miscarriage when she was in her 20s. She and my uncle decided they couldn't bear risking that trauma again and never had children.

In their lives together, they have: had massively successful careers, built their dream home, travelled - literally - all over the world, had wonderful relationships with their many nephews, nieces and godchildren. Some of these things would have been impossible with children.

I know they do feel there is a hole in their lives where their own children never were. If you and your DH do decide not to adopt or continue with fertility treatment, you need to recognise this (and I think you do) and understand that it probably will never go away. BUT that definitely doesn't mean you can't be happy. I think, as others have written, you need to really think out what life will be like without children. What will you do, how will you make the most of that 'freedom'? Perhaps you and your DH could take a weekend break somewhere together and really think through all of this - you didn't say why he was opposed to adoption? And why he's not willing to undergo IVF again?

You say you've got single friends - spend time with them - enjoy the cocktails and the shopping and the social life that would, again, largely go out the window with children.