Too Late

[LulaPalooza]

I am posting this simply as a place to let go of the stuff that has been going round in my head for months and months and months.

I never really took having a baby seriously until I turned 30. Now 10 years later I realise that it is too fucking late. And it hurts. A lot. I need to get this down on "paper" and read it back, hence posting here. This is going roundandroundandroundandround in my head. If you take the time to read this, thank you.

I had a miscarriage at 23 (6weeks) . Didn't know for sure that I was pregnant, but all things considered, I was relieved.

Fast Forward many years... tried for 4 years with the XP, although we didn't seek any medical intervention, because I had had the miscarriage so naively presumed that I was fertile and two previous GFs of his had got pregnant and had terminations. We took our fertility for granted.

We split up when I was 35... not because of the lack of babies, but due to many, many other issues. Since then he has gone on to have 3 children with his new wife, in 4 years. His fertility is therefore not in question.

I have since been tested for everything... and there is no real reason why I shouldn't conceive (although at 40 the odds are against me) and DH has a son from a previous relationship. I am very, very happy to have DSS in our lives.

DH and I have been together for 5 years. There was a small amount of crossover between XP and DH. Please don't judge me on that.

But... but...

it's just too late, isn't it?
It isn't going to happen for me.

I so, so naively thought it would happen if and when it was meant to happen. I haven't used contraception apart from condoms for TEN YEARS (been tested, as was XP and as has DH) apart from the times I have tried to conceive. Nothing at all with XP. One ectopic, one miscarriage with DH.

I am 40, ovulating each month. DH has sperm that work. This much we know.We have amazing, amazing DSS who I love with all my heart and if our family is just me, DH and DSS then I will be happy and grateful....

Except... I would so very much like us to have a baby, a sibling for DSS. And I think it is just too late and tonight this fact is breaking my heart.

If you got this far, thank you for listening. I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to hear... I have lost all hope.

Have a hug. I'll not bore you with trite cliches but believe me it's possible. May well be worth a trip to the gp and making sure you're doing the right thing at the right tiime but no it certainly doesn't sound too late to me

Thank you x

Have you been to an infertility clinic?

Yes at 40 it will be difficult but ivf might help your chances.

Not saying ivf is necessarily the answer and its expensive, invasive, no guarantee of success etc etc but if you are desperate then it could be worth investigating.

I just had my first baby at 40, my story is very similar to yours. Thought I had all the time in the world then started trying, miscarried, failed to get pregnant etc etc. It was heartbreaking.

At 39 my husband and I decided enough was enough and had IVF privately. It wasn't easy and it doesn't always work but as I say, just had my first baby. Your situation is much more common than you think. Have a serious talk with your husband about what you both want.

Don't give up; you still have time and you still have options. You just need to decide what it is you really want. Good luck.

IVF on the NHS not an option due to my age. We cannot afford to go private (IRONY! XP and I could have gone for either the NHS or private route due to our age and joint income). DH and I can't afford IVF

Just... trying to come to terms with all of this tonight x

I'm sorry if i came across as blase there Lula. You're right, ivf is expensive, we borrowed the money.

I wish you all the best and I'm glad that you have dss whom you obviously adore.

You didn't come across as blase at all, love. Just venting and being shouty and bitter

I'm genuinely happy that it worked out for you xx

yeah, funny how life works out. DSS is a fantastic kid. I'm lucky and grateful for him being in my life x

Oh Lula, it's so sad. Yes you can feel lucky and grateful for dss, but also bloody angry and frustrated that you've (possibly) missed out on having your own baby. Feel free to vent on here. Infertility is miserable (I speak from first hand experience) and also very lonely. So sometimes just having a rant can help.

xxx to you.

Lulu, that's so sad My heart breaks for you.
If you haven't already read it, I strongly urge you to read this book by Toni Weschler. Personally, I think we should all be given a copy as we hit puberty. Sounds like you have nothing to lose.
And you never know, it's not at all unheard of for women who've been unsuccessful for years to fall pregnant in their early forties...