how to handle friend who is still ttc while i'm pregnant?

[utopian99]

Hi
One of my best friends (we were each other's bridesmaids) has been trying to conceive since Oct 2011 and so far as I know is still tyring; my DH and I started at Christmas and I'm now 18 weeks. She takes things badly sometimes as she puts a lot of pressure on herself comparing to others and using imaginary benchmarks which she doesn't deserve, i.e. who got engaged first, etc. When I rang to tell her she was busy so couldn't answer the phone, but then phoned another friend of ours rather than calling/texting me back as she must have guessed why I was calling or she'd have just called me. The mutual friend told her, which allowed me to chicken out (although maybe I didn't deserve to,) after this she then sent me an email a few days later, very short, saying congrats, and when I spoke to our mutual friend she said she was pretty upset.

Since then it's been 5 weeks or so and we've swapped a few texts (me congratulating them on selling their house), but I've not spoken to her and I'm worried about doing the wrong thing. I think I also feel guilty about being pregnant because they'd been trying for longer than us and I've never been that desperate for children (my husband has though) whereas she has. Did suggest to my husband when we found out they were ttc that we should keep waiting to start but he was getting fed up of me putting it off and kept pointing out it could take ages..

Basically, I'll be seeing her at my 30th in a few weeks and want people's opinions: should I treat everything as if it's perfectly normal as to do otherwise would be patronising, or would this make it worse and I should acknowledge I've maybe cocked up a bit? Should I try to speak to her first or again will this be worse?

How have you cocked up? You can't make your family planning decisions around someone else no matter how close!

I would see her at the party, not mention the pregnancy and carry on as normal. It must be really hard for her so she need space to process it. Perhaps ask the mutual friend for advice?

Carry on as normal, you can't put your life on hold. I have been ttc for 18 months, nearly every one of my friends has become pregnant in that time, although I'm jelous I'm so happy for them! I love them and there babies.
Don't feel bad for being pregnant! X

It sounds like she is trying to do the right thing in sending you a congratulatory email. You haven't done anything wrong, and as others have said, you can't plan your family around someone else's fertility problems.

I think you just carry on as you normally would have if you weren't pregnant, in terms of frequency of speaking to/seeing her. Or at least you make yourself available, knowing that she may back away if it is too painful for her to be around you right now.

And when you do see/speak to her, don't go out of your way to avoid the subject, but also be a bit sensitive and realise that she may not be in a good place to hear about common pregnancy complaints. Wait for her to volunteer information about her own situation, she'll talk about it if she wants to.

You definitely haven't cocked up.

As someone who had 10 years of infertility while everyone around me got pg, I would say you need to behave as normal. It sounds like she tried to do the right thing and is just processing it (I cried for a day when my little sister told me she was pregnant, but i was pleased for her too and told her so). Don't avoid the subject, that is really patronising, but don't overshare unless she asks.

Difficult for you, but you sound really lovely and caring and am sure she will appreciate that.

When I was TTC (for 4 looong years) I always found it was the initial announcement that came as a blow, though I'd normally sussed them out already (infertility seems to give you some sort of pregnancy-high-alert-detection-sense) and that I'd keep myself to myself for a bit but actually seeing them helped and I could move past it and be happy for them. Hopefully when you catch up this will be the case.

We had infertility treatment and miscarriages and I honestly found people not treating me as normal patronising. I didn't want sympathy and I definitely didn't want shielding from announcements.

I also didn't want people to pretend pregnancy or early motherhood were a dream either - some people I think felt it was wrong to moan when I was around.

Also coped with years of IF. Announcements hard but pg ago as long as mums to be didn't moan about pg woes that I would have given my right arm to experience.

X-posted with mole!! Shows you just can't get it right!

Surprisingly-I think actual "woe is me aren't I unlucky to be pregnant moans" annoyed me but a close friend mentioning morning sickness or swollen ankles in a "I'm glad to be pregnant but this bit is a bummer" way was okay. And in a funny way I wanted them to moan, ie treat me like anyone else, whilst not exactly enjoying hearing the moan, iyswim tricky business!

Be sensitive to her feelings. Don't go on about it too much. Talk to her about her day, week etc.

Mole, I agree. I had one colleague who knew all about my IVF and subsequent m/c who then sat in the staffroom and loudly complained that she didn't want to be pg anymore as she hated feeling so fat, etc, etc . It broke my heart .