As a single woman, am I insane to conisder using donor sperm?

[ThisIsNotMyLife]

I'm in my early thirties and always wanted to have a family. My love life has always been a disaster area and I've pretty much given up. Is there anybody else here doing this or at least considering it?

Not insane at all.

I haven't done it but my sister in law has - doesn't regret it one bit.

i'd recommend you hop over to a site called fertility friends where they have a single women section - lots of info/positive stories

Thanks! Looks interesting.

I think it would be bloody hard work on your own but if you feel you can manage it, in my view it's a good idea. Much better to take control of getting what you want if it's important to you rather than leaving whether you have a child to chance. I know too many 40-something women who don't have kids and are sad about it.

The London Women's Clinic seems to be a good option for this type of treatment.

Don't do it.

If you can't manage with casual relationships then your going to struggle with a child. Maybe get some pets instead until you mature up and get a handle on your life.

You'll probably struggle to get an adoption or be seen as a good foster parent too.

Don't think I'm judging you harshly as your probably a wonderful person who gets bad luck (it happens). Your probably lonely and thinking the child will bring comfort and a focus to your life but what you really need is some good advice and better friends instead.

If the child does not turn out as you wish and you become more disorganised then you will give up the child. It's not fair on that child and it's not a good path for you.

Many women these days go for IVF because their seen as too old for adoption and fostering or not suitable parents. Don't make that mistake and think of the childs needs rather than your own.

'If you can't manage with casual relationships then your going to struggle with a child.'

What does that mean??

OP, no you're not mad enough to consider it at all. Any one of us could end up a single parent anyway. In my case my youngest daughter's father may as well have been a sperm donor as he has never met her. We manage fine.

No not mad. More straight forward than adoption.

I don't think it is insane but, as I have said before, I do think you need to think hard about the network you can offer this child.

Will it have close family around it?

Do you have a network of long term, known for years, friends who can act as a family network?

What would happen to the child if something awful happened to you?

Can you afford some extra support eg nanny, nursery, etc?

Many mums end up going it alone with no network of support but to knowingly do this is another matter.

If you have a large supportive family or large VERY close network of supportive friends then you are not doing the child a diservice.

Please do set up a clear, legal guardian for the child if you have one though.

Being single is not a reason to be turned down as a foster parent at all!

I say go for it if you think you can manage it. Doing it on your own is easier than with a rubbish partner. Good luck.

I really don't see why not, if you're sure its what you want.

I have a huge extended family.

And niether of the two men I've been with were casual. What a childish remark to make!

If you have a family around you then I don't see the problem. As others have said, it is a better arrangement than many find themselves experiencing.

Have you spent a lot of time around children?

I am aware that I went into motherhood with a rose tinted view of what parenting was and it is much tougher than I anticipated. That said, it is the most rewarding experience of my whole life

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Before I had DC I would have said go for it, who needs a man, single parents do a great job all the time.... etc etc.

Within a few weeks of having DS1 it became clear that having a family is flippin' hard, wonderful but oh so hard. It's not just all the practical stuff that needs doing, but the emotional stress of having little ones (and later not so little ones) completely dependent on you. I have a wonderful supportive partner and it's hard, I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to do it on your own, to be on your own when 6mo has a sky high temp or 13yo has been caught shoplifting...

I know there are loads of fantastic single mums nearly killing themselves to be everything that a father would be to their DC, but I also know that DH and I are completely different to each other in the way that we deal with our DC. We're consistent and work as a team, but we each bring something different to their upbringing. Mostly though we support each other with all the difficult decisions.

That said I also think that "it takes a village to raise a child" is true and Grandparents, friends of all ages, sports coaches, elderly and teenage neighbours, church and scout leaders etc are vital, so if you have a good network of those people around you, you might be better off that couples doing it all on their own.

I echo what carrots said, lots of parent end up single and work hard to do a good job, but to set out doing that deliberately, especially when you have no real idea of what it is to be a parent or how that will affect you physically and emotionally is an altogether different matter.

To be fair on the OP - Thos baby is more wanted and planned for than most born - and most end out ok

Go for it. You won't regret it - but you may if you dont

My DDs are little miracles and I could not imagine life without them. If you are prepared for the hard work (and to be fair I don't believe anyone - partner or no partner - is ever truly prepared) then I would say you should go for it or at least seriously consider it. Children are such a blessing and such a joy and your life will be more full than you ever dreamed possible when they are not beating the crap out of each other or awake for the 8th time that night or biting another child at nursery or projectile vomiting in the first hour of a transatlantic flight or peeing on a friend's expensive Persian rug

I'm in my 40s and DP and I are just ttc through donor ivf - I'd left it so late my eggs were knackered. in some ways I wish I'd had kids when I was younger, but my love life was never right soon understand where you are

Think about the pros and cons. It's not an easy decision but you have loads of options with donors etc is its totally feasible to do it. do you have friends and family for support?

Best of luck

Sorry didn't mean it an 'easy' decision as obviously it's not at all. What I mean is you do have options. If you have a good support network, you could make it work. I'm sure it would be hard work but worthwhile!!

I find it rather offensive blaming the woman that she can't hold on to a casual relationship. A lot of men these days are not ready in their thirties to settle down and have children and if you want that you both want different things and there is no point in continuing in the hope the could change their minds. Yes ofcourse we could all be doormats, it does not make you the perfect parent though.

As for having a sperm doner, why not? I suspect there will be many more as time goes by and less and less men ready to commit at a young enough age to have children before your too tired and set in your ways.

Im a single parent and its fine, I work and we go on nice holidays. I have not had many problems to be honest, although I was tired first year (went back to work after a week). You do feel sorry for the child though not having a Dad. You will discover the time you really need a man is pregnancy, I moved house in my ninth month whilst still working and it was tough, but you manage, as long as your not expecting to be one of those over indulged mothers you will be fine.

Go for it. I was considering something similar before I met DP (co-parenting with a gay friend)

No, not insane. Your baby will be loved and wanted. Friend of mine has just done this in her 40s - she has close family and her baby will have plenty of relatives as well as friends who can be aunts and uncles. Yes, it's tougher than having a loving Dad, but not as tough as being born to parents with a shitty relationship, which some are.

My daughter was conceived by using donor sperm.
She is wonderful.
We manage fine.

Good luck. Be brave. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family.

OP No, you are quite sensible to use donor sperm AS LONG AS you can support yourself and the DC. Not just support financially but physically and emotionally too. it's a tall order, but quite doable, as people on here have already said.

Great idea as long as you have strong network of friends (pref with kids) and family around you. I was going to do the same but gave myself until the age of 32 to find someone. I did - phew! But wouldn't have hesitated if I hadn't, though may have picked aged back to 34.

My sister did it when she was heading towards 40 with no partner and she felt, no prospect of having children. Speak to your doctor, you can do it on NHS, not too expensive, and you seem to get lots of counselling before making decision. My gorgeous nephew has just turned two and is the light of my sister's life. Good luck :)